Not sure this will fit here, but here is my note, thus far. Any critiques welcome.
February 26, 2022
To whomever it may concern (which isn't many):
So, well, I guess, if anyone is finding this letter then it's safe to assume that I've actually come to the end of my life, or, more accurately, finally brought an end to my life. And yes, I brought it about by my own hand, so rest assured there wasn't any nefarious act perpetrated against me. It's only February 26, so it will, most likely, be some time, yet, before I go through with my plans. I just wanted to start writing this letter to get a jump on things and I'll probably make some changes or additions over the next several months. Maybe. So, here we go.
I guess the first thing I wanted to say is that I've thought about, and planned, to do this for longer than the past twenty years. Yeah, that's right. It would be wrong to think that my mother's death is actually the cause. Actually, she was the reason that I "toughed it out" over the past many years and didn't do it much sooner. I knew she needed my help and there was, literally, no one else to help her. I mean all of her friends have died over the years, as well as her sister. She was alone and would have been even more alone. I'll say one thing and that is it's good to be needed, but when that needing comes to end, well...... So, right now, as I start to write this letter, I still have some things that I need to do. My mother's estate needs to be finalized and closed and I'm the executor of that. I'm still waiting on the monument I purchased for her resting place and that will be, at least, several more months. I need to do some things on my end, too, like try and get rid of as many things of mine as possible, just to make it a little easier for whoever has to deal with my stuff. There's no way I'll be able to get rid of all of my shit by the time I'm ready to go. And I apologize to whoever for that. I need to get a will drafted, yet, and just get a few other things in order as best as I can. Hopefully, by the time I go, I will have all of these things accomplished and bring this life to fruition. Originally, I was hoping to have it all in place by July of 2022, but I reevaluated and I don't think that's going to be possible. So, I'm going to go for as long as possible, and, I guess, when you find me and this note, that was as long as I could hang on.
I'm lonely, I'm tired, I'm hopeless, I'm alone. Looking ahead, I see nothing but more of the same. Each day I get up is basically like the day before it. Half the time I don't even know what day it is. The only thing keeping me going right now is trying to do right by my wonderful mother and get her estate to finality. After that, I'll be dealing with some of my stuff to get ready for you know what. At ** years old right now, I know that this is when things start to happen to oneself, like health issues for example. Well, I have absolutely no one to look out for me, or help me in any way as I get older, and who the hell would want that? That's a scary proposition and one that I just can't envision going forward. It's better to get out now, I think. It's hard getting up every day with nothing good to look forward to. It's been like this for years. Too many years. Well, the years have worn me down that's for sure. I just don't see myself in this world anymore. There's just no need for me to be here, anymore. I haven't really gotten anything out of life, at least not the things that really matter, like a wife who loves me, or children, or anything.
As I write this letter right now, I'm trying to figure out the best way. I don't want to shoot myself, because that can go really wrong, and I could end up in worse shape than I am now. I could be maimed, unable to move or feed myself, or walk, or whatever, but still alive and unable to end my misery. That would be no good. I'm leaning toward some type of asphyxiation. I'm not sure about hanging. I don't want to use natural gas, either, because it poses a danger to others if there were some type of explosion. Right now, I think, the best way is going to be through carbon monoxide poisoning. That's really the reason I kept an old car around for so long. It's an old vehicle with bad emission controls that, I'm sure, emits far more CO and other pollutants than newer vehicles. I have to get rid of another car first in the garage, this Spring or Summer, so that I can do it in my garage, at night, so it would be less likely to be noticed by neighbors, should some of the exhaust gases escape from under the garage doors and windows. But, if I do it this way, I plan on building some type of enclosure inside the garage around the vehicle, so more of the CO will be contained and keep leakage escaping out of the garage to a minimum, and, hopefully, speed things up on my end. I need to do some more research on this method because I don't want to suffer in pain while going through with this. The other way I've been thinking about is building some type of box, large enough for me to get in it. I'd seal it very well and reinforce it around it's perimeter with steel, so that it can't be broken out of. Obviously, locked from the inside, as well. To this box, I'd install some type of "port" to which I could attach a ShopVac in order to suck out all of the air inside the box, effectively creating a "vacuum" inside of the box. I think that would work if I built it correctly and that way I could do it in my basement. These are jobs for this Spring and Summer. I'll have it figured out before then so I can get to work on the most effective, and painless, way. Whichever way I choose, I have to be 100% sure that it won't fail. I have to think about any possible ways that something could go wrong and devise mitigating steps to ensure complete success. Since weeks go by without hearing from anyone, although at this point in my life there is no one to hear from really, the only way that I can think of to ensure that I eventually do get found is to write a letter to the local Police Department explaining what I have done. I don't know if they'll take it seriously or not, but I can't come up with anything else. I guess the mail will start overflowing from the mailbox, eventually. I don't know who would receive the letter at the Police Department, but as soon as I mail it, that's when I'll go through with my plans. I would think that would give me a couple days before anyone would find me. That's better than weeks or even longer. It's probably best not to start rotting and stinking, but, then again, I'm dead, so in the big scheme of things at that point, I guess it really doesn't matter.
I think my work is done here in this world. I have no idea what I was even put here for. When I think about things, the only reason I can come up with was to help my dad when he needed me during his end of life stage, and my mother during hers. It seems that was what I was put here for. And I didn't even do as good a job as I should have helping either of them. I should have, and could have, I think, done a better job caring for both of them. I loved them both with all of my heart. I've got too many regrets and should have done much, much better helping both of them and with life in general. It's hard to be your best when, for so long, regrets, sadness, loneliness, and guilt for not being everything I should have, weigh so heavily on one's mind on a daily, even hourly, basis. It's like a constant crushing weight on your soul. And I don't take all the blame for everything not working out for me. Maybe it has been me, but it sure has seemed that I could never catch a break. But, eventually, there does come a time when one realizes that it's simply too late and not worth trying anymore. Or, when one realizes that their work is done. And mine is done. There's just no reason for living anymore that I can come up with for me. Living has become a chore for me. There's nothing to look forward to and when one loses hope completely, as I have now, that's the sign that one's time is up. I used to be able to hope that things would get better, but as time goes on and nothing gets better, that hope starts to wane.
I guess that's it. I guess the last thing I would ask is that whoever finds me and this letter to notify someone of my death. I really don't have anyone anymore since everyone in my life has died. I had a small circle of family, really, and have watched each one die over the last three years, which has left me alone. As far as friends, I really don't have any, since the ones I did have long ago were "party-type" friends and when I decided to stop drinking and partying a long time ago, well, those friends kind of just faded away. And I just never made any other friends, even at work, because all they ever wanted to do was drink and that wasn't for me. And now this is just too much alone, not that there's any good kind of alone. It's hard to imagine anyone more alone than I am. My mother spent the last 15 years of her life basically alone. Well, except for me. And I wasn't much. Not what I should have been. I don't know how she did it. I wasn't everything I should have been. I should have been there more for her and talked to her more and that's something I can't forgive myself for. My mom's estate is still open right now and the only phone calls I get are from the Realtor and the estate attorney on occasion. That's it. And when my mom's estate is eventually closed, the only phone calls I'll be getting are robocalls. Sad, isn't it. I don't understand how it got to this point. I'm an honest, decent guy, albeit not much to look at. Maybe that's it. Anyway, as far as notifying someone about my death, REDACTED. There's really no one else. REDACTED and her family were kind enough, or felt enough pity on me possibly, to let me share in some of their lives over the past couple years, but they have lives of their own and it's not their jobs to make any kind of life for me, and it's really just not enough, anyway. I have a will made out (at least that's my intention by the time I carry out my plans) and didn't (or won't) burden either REDACTED or REDACTED with having to deal with my estate. It'll be in my will that they can have whatever material stuff they want, though. They have enough going on in their lives. The court can just hire someone to deal with all of my shit. I've had to deal with two estates, my father's and my mother's, and it's just too much, but, at least, I had a little help with my father's estate since my sister REDACTED (father's daughter) was still around then. I'm sorry for whoever has to deal with my shit, since I have way too much. Most of it is junk anyway. Hopefully, I'll have gotten rid of a few things by the time my end comes.
So, that's it. This is really it. I'd like to say that it's been a good time here. I honestly wish I could say that. But, it hasn't. There's nothing good I can think of about this place or my life. Life's been miserable. I've been miserable. I have no idea where I'm going, or even if there is somewhere to go after I've departed from this fucked-up place. It's been like a hell here for me and I just can't go on with the way things turned out for me and how they'd be going forward as I get older, all alone. Alone is not a good place to be and I don't wish it on anybody. Goodbye and good luck to you all.
Signed,
REDACTED
