Discussion Suicide note - maybe an angry one??

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Deciding what to do about writing a note or last messages….
On here, I write long rambling messages.
And I'm very sorry.
I'm definitely not gonna do that.
I'll have an advanced care directive filled in with me (but not legally filed because you need signatures of the person you appoint & if I do that, it's a giant red flag that I'm planning to die).
So that'll cover DNR, cremation, what I want to wear, but also that as an atheist, they can't really fuck it up in any way because I'll be dead & that if it makes them happier, do whatever the fuck they want except stopping me from dying.
And to say, that although I've suffered depression in the past, & will surely again in the future if I live, that I am not currently depressed in any way & that it is a rational decision - this part is to get my 2 docs off the hook for not picking up this was coming, I worry about them having consequences.
I wrote an angry rambling one to my husband so he'd know how much he was responsible for but then didn't want to go ahead with that. I think I just needed to spew it out of my system, that me knowing the reasons is enough.
I'm thinking of "maybe" just printing out a quote & that'll do it. I've got one or 2 in mind, just single sentences.
Or nothing at all.
I feel a lot of compassion for my docs & some other people in my life but I also have a burning rage in my gut, fuelled & refuelled over time & I've been thinking about this a lot - I know I can happily leave no note, I know I can resist sending rants or making my husband feel guilty, I can rise above over & over & over because I have over & over & over. It's who I am & also who I've been trained to be by abuse.
But what if??? What if I just sent one person a message about how I really feel - I've already written it, it's concise.
Every time I think how it would impact them, I just think they're a narcissist & never wrong so it won't affect them. I really really want to do it. I try to change my mind but it's just unshakable.
Every time I think " would you regret sending this?" the answer comes back that I'd regret NOT sending it.
I assure you it's a concise message - I hand wrote it, it only took 2 drafts, it says what needs to be said
Anyone got any thoughts on this??
Am I allowed to do one selfish thing in death? Something I can't really do in life??

 

[Felodese]

I don't know what the guy did. Blaming him could be a cruel thing to do, but then again, maybe he deserves it. If he's the reason you want to die, then he probably does.
Either way, you can't really regret anything once you're dead.

Maybe leave a nice note for the people you care about, just to let them know that your death was intentional.
Try giving it a few days and see if you still want to crush your ex. If you do, and he really is the one who drove you to this, then you can write something short and to the point.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

The ex is part of the reason I want to CTB not the whole reason. I felt bad about the one I wrote for him, even though he deserves it, so I decided against it. The other one that I'm talking about isn't to lay blame, I made this decision to CTB by myself.
I think maybe it's about closure??? Maybe I need to say what I've pushed down for so long.
I don't have it in front of me, but I think it's roughly 3 sentences. I could write a book - a trilogy of books - about this person. I thought I'd change my mind but I think it's just getting reinforced. Will continue to think about it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do sympathise with how you feel. I first became suicidal when I was 10 in response to growing up with a (suspected) narcissist. I'm not sure I was ever that committed to actually attempting but, I did draft a note for catharsis I suppose and in it, I did blame them.

I guess, even now, if I do it one day, I still feel like they were the ones who initiated these thoughts and set me on such a mal adjusted path. That's not to say they didn't suffer too. Honestly, it's a shame we were ever put together. I likely wouldn't mention them at all now. Other than to say I'd had ideation for a very long time- it wasn't some impulsive decision.

For me, what brings me a strange sort of comfort is my oldest friend who lived through that period with me. Somehow, it does reassure me that they know my story.

I don't really know the answer to be honest though. I guess there is the concern that your attempt may fail and you'll be left with the aftermath of them having read that letter. If they are a narcissist, I expect they'll manage to flip the narrative to make themselves out to be the victim too.

 

[Apathy79]

My 2c. They say the truth shall set you free. If you believe it's the right thing to do, do it.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

My mother was a narcissist. I started wanting to die in late primary school too. The relationship with this person (another narcissist) is never going to recover, even if I had a thousand lives. I know they'll rewrite the narrative - it's one of their key moves, but if I'm gone, it can't touch me. For once.
I think the reason I don't want to write a note in general is that there's either too little to say or too much to say & that the people pleaser in me would waste valuable time trying to make sure everyone's alright, putting them first.
And letting perfectionism win & write a thousand drafts.
I think all I need to say is DNR, cremation etc.
And they'll be able to see from the date of purchase of the advanced care directive that it wasn't spur of the moment.
And when they see it's SN poisoning, they'll probs assume that came from overseas & took a long time too.
I feel petty & vindictive but I also think if I can rise above saying bad things to my husband or anyone else, but just can't seem to let go of this one person, - it's been weeks since I wrote the message, probs over a month - maybe it's time to somehow stand up for myself in death that I couldn't in life.
And if they were a "normal" human (not a narcissist or sociopath etc) I would never ever ever inflict this, would never want someone to live with guilt etc - I've put a lot of work into keeping my doctors clean & planning for emergency services to find me rather than civilians & I'm timing my CTB date to benefit someone else - I'm always bottom of the list - but I don't think it's possible to hurt them, they're just too far gone

My 2c. They say the truth shall set you free. If you believe it's the right thing to do, do it.

You might be on to something there - I don't need to air all my grievances to the world or anyone else in particular, even the husband.
But when I pictured what you said, that the truth shall set you free, I felt a weight lift rather than a guilt added.
Maybe I can CTB with a tonne of loose ends but this one either needs a nice bow or be burned to the ground.
I'm still weighing it up, seeing if anyone can change my mind - but I think I want & deserve that freedom. Thanks so much