Suicide not as a last resort?

[agentgeez]

It's common to hear that you should only consider suicide after all other possible options have been exhausted, even among people who advocate suicide as a choice. But I've noticed that I don't feel the same way in my own experience; this is only personally, of course. I've considered that a cause of my depressive feelings could be some unnoticed biological disorder of some kind, one that requires an obscure method of treatment that I haven't yet tried. Or maybe it's an external problem, some problem that's dragging me down that could turn everything around. Even with these potential sources of hope, though, I still prioritise suicide over anything that might grant me a 'happier' life, whatever that may be. Whenever I get a burst of energy or an urge to do something, my mind briefly considers doing one of many tasks recommended to improve my life before thinking that the effort would be better used organising my suicide and putting an end to everything. It's as if no matter the circumstances, existing is inherently not worth the trouble to me. I suppose it would be illogical to say I don't really care for happiness, since happiness implies I'd be satisfied with everything, but I feel as if non-existence and permanent happiness were offered to me guaranteed, I wouldn't really care which one I chose, as both would result in satisfaction, either by removing my desires along with my entire existence or fulfilling them for me. And since in reality suicide looks to be a much more achievable option, any effort I can muster is best spent trying to organise it.

Now I'm not sure if all that made sense since I'm still doubtful if I've even discussed the thoughts I had when I begun making the post, but what do you think? I know a lot of people consider suicide because of poor circumstances, or even perhaps because of a different issue that could still theoretically be resolved, but I suppose what I'm saying is that even theoretically and even considering the best case scenario, there's nothing I can't get from suicide and better, too.

 

[rhiino]

Your words make perfect sense to me. I could never understand the sentiment of doing everything possible to get better first before suiciding. It misses the point of lacking energy to pursue those tasks. There will nearly always be options left to somehow get better, but that does not mean you have the willpower and energy to use those options. Furthermore you might be better then, but still suffering.
After all, suicide is also an option to get better, in the sense of not suffering anymore. If I tried every possible option to get better before I suicide I would die of old age before I tried everything. In order to stop my suffering I have to draw the live at some point.

 

[agentgeez]

Your words make perfect sense to me. I could never understand the sentiment of doing everything possible to get better first before suiciding. It misses the point of lacking energy to pursue those tasks. There will nearly always be options left to somehow get better, but that does not mean you have the willpower and energy to use those options. Furthermore you might be better then, but still suffering.
After all, suicide is also an option to get better, in the sense of not suffering anymore. If I tried every possible option to get better before I suicide I would die of old age before I tried everything. In order to stop my suffering I have to draw the live at some point.

I think your point definitely touches upon a 'blind spot' in the advice many people give to depressed people. Theoretically, you might as well do something rather than nothing, or things won't change, right? But humans don't work so efficiently. Actions require energy, intention, motivation, and this is all multiplied when you're told an action must become a habit. The solution requires tools that the problem has taken away from you. But say you are inspired by these words; what do you actually do? I know in my experience that the most common advice people have given me simply hasn't worked. And this is where the second problem comes in; if you get no results, you simply didn't do it for long enough. Or you were doing it wrong. Or you need to do something else. This, of course, can go on infinitely. There is no end to the amount of 'solutions' there are to your problems, especially when the duration is brought into the equation. If you were to keep this habit for one more day! It can be used to excuse all suffering. But when all these solutions seem as daunting and useless as the other, what do you do? You can't trust yourself, because apparently you make bad decisions. You have to do all these other things instead. The things that feel horrible and tiring are apparently what will save you, and the continued assurances of others are your only guidance. It's so confusing and so, so tiring. The absolute uncertainty of not only not knowing what the solution is, but not knowing what your problem is, too.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Suicide is basically a cheat code.
Being dead is the ultimate solution, especially if you are not winning the game.
Let's just hope suicide does not go wrong for anyone.
That's one of my major concerns.

My disadvantages trap me inside from what I want to achieve.
I disconnect my emotions very often.
But without your problems you wouldn't be the same person.
It'd be a parallel universe where you are basically someone else.

I'm partially against suicide also because when we talk about situations that theoretically can be resolved,
Suicide ends your consciousness,
there's no real prize to be won when you lose your consciousness forever.
You become nobody.

This may sound ignorant or delusional,
and I know for people who are suicidal,
Life is like a stupid game,
the saying goes play stupid game win stupid prizes.

Well, I want my prizes.
It may sound greedy,
But "you only live once", like what else am I supposed to do,
Besides wanting to win prizes?
Become a monk? It's comparable to suicide in my book.

With all that being said,
However I may still resort my problems to suicide,
Because situations are desperate,
and there's no doubts I'll be impulsive when I'm desperate.
When you are desperate and impulsive,
Suicide tends to look especially an easy way out..

 

[agentgeez]

I'm also going to get a thought off of my mind that's only sort of related but not really worth a new thread. It's pretty stream-of-consciousness because I wrote it in a notepad file, but I suppose I just want my thoughts to be 'out there' in some way, even if in a wall of text.

Lately I've been struggling on whether I should commit suicide or if I should try and 'fix' my brain considering the amount of things that could be wrong with it that I've identified, as well as the fact that I keep doing 'progressive' things like going to the gym and thinking about the future consequences of things. But I don't even know the extent of my problem or what my problem is, let alone how to fix it, and there are so many uncertainties and potential diagnoses that simply describing my situation or asking someone to take a look at me doesn't make me any more sure.

After looking on r/brainfog it's a serious possibility that I have some sort of inflammatory problem or gut problem or some silly biological problem, I don't even really know, it feels like it could be anything and nothing at the same time. I have Crohn's disease which makes it all the more likely and my diet is full of things that can potentially cause problems like gluten, sugar, processed things. Plus I see a lot of symptoms of ADHD in myself so maybe there are even more avenues to go down there in regards to ways of fixing whatever the hell the state of my existence is, even I'm not sure how things are supposed to be. And that's the thing; what if this is how things are supposed to be already, or alternatively, what if fixing my brain fog doesn't even matter? Like, you see all these people going through years of therapy and 'finding themselves' and all these semi-spiritual, psychological things that aren't really a precise problem, but most people seem to understand 'self-growth' of this almost story-like thing where you change your mindset and way of life by realising things and changing behaviors over time. But then what about all this biological and chemical talk that could be the root of my brain fog like when I read stories about people fixing certain aspects of their body and suddenly their existence feels a lot better? Did all these other people simply take the 'hard way' when it came to solving their mental problems? Or were they separate problems altogether; some people have biological brain fog, whereas some people are how they are 'supposed' to be and yet need to change themselves by simply acting better?

Which brings me to my next question; how do you differentiate the two? Aren't behaviours ultimately chemical/biological anyway? And finally, does brain fog even matter if the 'standard' state of living is almost the same anyway? Like, I'm thinking that when my brain fog is gone I'm suddenly going to become more intelligent, more motivated, full of energy, like I've finally 'unlocked' myself and I can move through life unimpeded. But I know for a fact that a majority of people in life are nothing like this, and they should be how they're supposed to be if they're the majority, right? So is everyone else suffering from brain fog or is life just difficult anyway? So what's going to change if I get rid of brain fog or depression or whatever it even is that I have? I'm not going to start becoming interested in this and that if everyone else lives pretty standard basic lives with low points and sort of high points and all that. There will probably be a whole new host of problems that I constantly have to keep trying to overcome if I become 'normal'. I don't even know what the standard mode of existence is; I don't think there is a 'standard' but essentially I just want to know what to expect. I want to know if how I feel and think is a 'problem' or just a natural result of who I fundamentally am, because otherwise I don't even know if I have a problem at all.

Also, I've been thinking about going to the GP for a blood panel and to get my thyroid and hormones checked and all that (even though surely it's not that easy even if I've read success stories about people finally solving their brain fog). I can't even get myself to go to the GP in the first place, honestly. When I tried a month ago I called the wrong GP like a fool, somehow. Then I called the right one and after bumbling through the reason why I wanted a blood test by saying I have 'fatigue' (I don't want to say that I have depression) they said that they'd call me back; then they called me back on the house phone where me and my mother live instead of the mobile that I called them on. It's a good thing that I didn't say I have depression because it's my mother who picked up and was confused about why the doctor wanted me. I called them up since I missed their call and they said the 'nurse practitioner' (I didn't even know who that was, I sort of just assumed I could call them up and make some sort of appointment and just walk in when it came) I needed to talk to was busy and would call me back another time but it's been a month now so unless I call them up again (which I don't have much faith in) I should just go up there myself when I can actually get myself to do it.

But then all these thoughts collapse on themselves when I realise that suicide is the ultimate solution to all of this, and that running around in circles and trying to get myself to do the most basic stuff is a waste when solving brain fog might not even do anything. And if it does, then suicide also solves my problems by stopping my existence and removing the need for fulfillment. But then I realise I do stuff like exercise and go to the gym and wonder why I'm doing that and wonder how I'm doing that when I can't even go to the doctor's. I started exercising without the gym 10 months ago somehow and I did only come to the gym because my friend asked me to although I put up very little resistance; sometimes I think that if I had an outgoing and energetic person who dragged me around with them and included me then I'd be a lot more functional, although of course I think it's unreasonable for someone else to want to do that so I don't really dream about it, especially since 'doing more' doesn't necessarily translate to a better life like I've been talking about with my brain fog/depression.