NotStrongEnough
Nihilist extraordinaire
- Oct 3, 2021
- 85
So I don't know if this is even appropriate for this forum, but I wanted to get it out of my brain. This is my first actual post here, so if this doesn't fit, I apologize in advance.
I'm watching a video on suicide and what suicide survivors think.
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and I get to the question of "Is suicide selfish". That question always takes me down an almost angry path. Is suicide selfish? Sure it is. Am I only thinking of myself by wanting to leave this plane of existence? Sure I am. But I argue that it's just as selfish on others' part to think I should stay here for them. They don't know what it's like to live every day, every hour, wishing you didn't exist. They don't understand that this isn't just something that comes and goes, at least for me.
According to my therapist, this pattern of thinking may just be how my brain is wired. It's been like this for literal decades at this point, and she thinks it will probably never change. It's a pain, literally. It's a feeling in my gut that I will never be happy. Why is it that people understand someone wanting to die if their in physical pain, but they completely disregard the mental and emotional pain that people are in?
I'm having a "good" day today. I am in college, and I was doing homework this morning. Twice I said out loud "I want to be dead". There was nothing preceding it, it's just an overwhelming emotional feeling that popped out of my mouth. There were no major bad thoughts preceding it, it just comes out. And that's how I feel all the time. I can be laughing, and still want to not exist. I can't make anyone understand it, probably because if you don't have this type of... disordered (not sure if that's the right word anymore) thinking, you can't understand the depth of it.
About 10 years ago I was with my ex husband and we went to Disneyland monthly, had annual passes, etc. Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, and I do truly believe that. When you walk through the gates, the world, the entire world outside Disneyland just disappears. At least it did for me. But even in my happiest of times, in the happiest place on earth, not one visit, not one day, went by where I didn't think about how much I hated existence and wished I weren't in it. I thought about how, if one of the rides I was on derailed and I would die, how that could literally be the happiest way I could die. Mind you, I never wanted that to happen because I don't want OTHERS to die - just me. I mean, I told my husband an entire elaborate plan that I wanted him to enact when I died (it had to do with taking a ring that would hold just the tiniest amount of ashes in it, going onto the Haunted Mansion, and during the part where you see the ballroom, the birthday celebration, he could open the ring, fling his arms out like he's excited, and have me fall to the floor where I could stay in the haunted mansion forever). The fact that I'd be that morbid about my death, how I thought about that every time I was in the ride... I'm going to assume that isn't normal for someone who doesn't have my broken brain.
If, supposedly, "suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem", then when is this bad brain function going to stop? Because 40+ Years now, it hasn't stopped. Instead of getting better, the cut gets deeper. The hurt at just existing gets deeper. And I'm just tired. I've never been so tired in my life. I'm ready to be done. Living is such a pain.
Anyway, I wanted to vomit this out somewhere, and I hope it's ok I posted it here...
I'm watching a video on suicide and what suicide survivors think.
-
and I get to the question of "Is suicide selfish". That question always takes me down an almost angry path. Is suicide selfish? Sure it is. Am I only thinking of myself by wanting to leave this plane of existence? Sure I am. But I argue that it's just as selfish on others' part to think I should stay here for them. They don't know what it's like to live every day, every hour, wishing you didn't exist. They don't understand that this isn't just something that comes and goes, at least for me.
According to my therapist, this pattern of thinking may just be how my brain is wired. It's been like this for literal decades at this point, and she thinks it will probably never change. It's a pain, literally. It's a feeling in my gut that I will never be happy. Why is it that people understand someone wanting to die if their in physical pain, but they completely disregard the mental and emotional pain that people are in?
I'm having a "good" day today. I am in college, and I was doing homework this morning. Twice I said out loud "I want to be dead". There was nothing preceding it, it's just an overwhelming emotional feeling that popped out of my mouth. There were no major bad thoughts preceding it, it just comes out. And that's how I feel all the time. I can be laughing, and still want to not exist. I can't make anyone understand it, probably because if you don't have this type of... disordered (not sure if that's the right word anymore) thinking, you can't understand the depth of it.
About 10 years ago I was with my ex husband and we went to Disneyland monthly, had annual passes, etc. Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, and I do truly believe that. When you walk through the gates, the world, the entire world outside Disneyland just disappears. At least it did for me. But even in my happiest of times, in the happiest place on earth, not one visit, not one day, went by where I didn't think about how much I hated existence and wished I weren't in it. I thought about how, if one of the rides I was on derailed and I would die, how that could literally be the happiest way I could die. Mind you, I never wanted that to happen because I don't want OTHERS to die - just me. I mean, I told my husband an entire elaborate plan that I wanted him to enact when I died (it had to do with taking a ring that would hold just the tiniest amount of ashes in it, going onto the Haunted Mansion, and during the part where you see the ballroom, the birthday celebration, he could open the ring, fling his arms out like he's excited, and have me fall to the floor where I could stay in the haunted mansion forever). The fact that I'd be that morbid about my death, how I thought about that every time I was in the ride... I'm going to assume that isn't normal for someone who doesn't have my broken brain.
If, supposedly, "suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem", then when is this bad brain function going to stop? Because 40+ Years now, it hasn't stopped. Instead of getting better, the cut gets deeper. The hurt at just existing gets deeper. And I'm just tired. I've never been so tired in my life. I'm ready to be done. Living is such a pain.
Anyway, I wanted to vomit this out somewhere, and I hope it's ok I posted it here...