• Hey Guest,

    An update on the OFCOM situation: As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. OFCOM, the UK’s communications regulator, has singled out our community, demanding compliance with their Online Safety Act despite our minimal UK presence. This is a blatant overreach, and they have been sending letters pressuring us to comply with their censorship agenda.

    Our platform is already blocked by many UK ISPs, yet they continue their attempts to stifle free speech. Standing up to this kind of regulatory overreach requires lots of resources to maintain our infrastructure and fight back against these unjust demands. If you value our community and want to support us during this time, we would greatly appreciate any and all donations.

    Read more about the situation here: Click to View Post

    Donate via cryptocurrency:

    Bitcoin (BTC): 39deg9i6Zp1GdrwyKkqZU6rAbsEspvLBJt
    Ethereum (ETH): 0xd799aF8E2e5cEd14cdb344e6D6A9f18011B79BE9
    Monero (XMR): 49tuJbzxwVPUhhDjzz6H222Kh8baKe6rDEsXgE617DVSDD8UKNaXvKNU8dEVRTAFH9Av8gKkn4jDzVGF25snJgNfUfKKNC8
loveable_lamb

loveable_lamb

Member
Jan 20, 2025
48
Hey, first post here. I created an account because I know I'm dying. Nearly everything is planned out. I just really need someone to talk to that isn't gonna drive me towards recovery. I tried contacting some selfhelp lines yesterday. Not cuz I need help, but just cuz I have no one to talk to. They tried to talk me out of killing myself instead of listening to my thoughts around death. Killing yourself is fucking scary. It's like taking a jump into an unknown place. Of course I wanna talk to someone then but no one seems to get that suicide is just more peaceful than feeling this pain any longer.

It's so unfair that people with terminal illnesses get all this counseling before they die, get to say goodbye to their families and are just prepared for the moment they pass. Not saying that isn't hard on someone's wellbeing either. But I'm gonna die by myself in my bed after planning some secret mission for weeks.
 
  • Hugs
  • Love
  • Like
Reactions: Joarga, kvorumese, bigbang33 and 12 others
JustHere1

JustHere1

In a way, in a shape, in a form.
Dec 21, 2024
148
I understand the feeling of loneliness, and also the feeling of receiving support when you find people who really listen. This forum has so many good people who feel similarly in most cases and if you take a look around and read and participate in some of the topics, you'll find compassion and companionship regardless if you die alone or with a partner. There is a megathread for methods, and a partner megathread as well if you want to check out the possibility of CTBing with someone. Additionally there are people here that like to just speak openly back and forth about health and their personal perspectives regarding life, religion (if that's your tea), suicide, family, experiences, and methodology. Recovery and support, too. You can find advice here too, so if you feel the need to stay a while, or for good, or not for long, there are people here to talk to that are genuine. You aren't alone here.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: ijustwishtodie, loveable_lamb and APeacefulPlace
loveable_lamb

loveable_lamb

Member
Jan 20, 2025
48
I understand the feeling of loneliness, and also the feeling of receiving support when you find people who really listen. This forum has so many good people who feel similarly in most cases and if you take a look around and read and participate in some of the topics, you'll find compassion and companionship regardless if you die alone or with a partner. There is a megathread for methods, and a partner megathread as well if you want to check out the possibility of CTBing with someone. Additionally there are people here that like to just speak openly back and forth about health and their personal perspectives regarding life, religion (if that's your tea), suicide, family, experiences, and methodology. Recovery and support, too. You can find advice here too, so if you feel the need to stay a while, or for good, or not for long, there are people here to talk to that are genuine. You aren't alone here.
Appreciate the reply! I've been lurking here for over a year so I saw tons of people supporting each other in whatever their wish was. I picked my method and prefer to die without a partner in the comfort of my own home. I'd love to just talk to anyone in a similar situation about anything. I've got too much spare time being in the psych ward now, but as soon as I'm out I'll take the final steps in my plan.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: JustHere1 and APeacefulPlace
Luminous_

Luminous_

Puss-Eating-Pot-Princess
Jan 20, 2025
25
Hey! I don't plan to die for some time as I have certain conditions I would like to happen before I do it, but I can get your frustration in the general publics lack of understanding. I may not even understand myself but if you'd like to vent out everything you need to say, I will be here to listen without encouraging you to recover. This is your choice to make and only you can decide it, because nobody else will truly understand your thought process behind it. If it's anytime soon, I may even cry for your death as I'm a rather sensitive person lol and I find I'm often crying for those who have now passed that were apart of this site and even those who werent ( mentioning this as I, and I know some other people, would find comfort in others mourning them when they pass)
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: loveable_lamb, JustHere1 and APeacefulPlace
HenryHenriksen_6E

HenryHenriksen_6E

Member
Oct 19, 2024
89
It really is lonely. Carrying around something you can't mention to anyone else, because it'll be heavily discouraged, is a burden which is really hard to handle. Even if you're lucky enough to have friends or other people around you, it's still isolating to be a completely different individual on the outside than the inside. Acting is hard; acting for years on end is agonizing. And if those around you know about your struggles, they'll likely not completely understand you, which is -- guess what — lonely. I'm glad I've found others here who understand me, my wishes, and choices, and who are willing to keep me alive for so long, but also willing to let go when it's gone on for too long. I hope you find someone.
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: JustHere1, loveable_lamb and APeacefulPlace
loveable_lamb

loveable_lamb

Member
Jan 20, 2025
48
I'll just yap for anyone that is interested in the full story of why I chose death.

The first time I've wanted to kill myself was 9 years ago, when I was 11. I grew up as the only mixed-race kid in an all-white, cows and meadows, no supermarket village. I faced racism and alienation from around the age of 5 by classmates, teachers and neighbors. A seed was planted in my brain that because of the fact I was different I was undeserving of friendship. Every friendship I've had since elementary school has followed the same pattern: I'm lonely, they give me friendship, I get too attached, they want more distance, I will try every crazy attempt to make them stay until they eventually leave permanently. I know that's borderline now, got diagnosed this month.

My insecure self went to middle school and developed anorexia. At first it wasn't even about losing weight. I just didn't want people to make fun of me and eating felt like a very vulnerable moment for others to pick at me. When I lost some weight, the realisation came that not eating also fixed an ordeal of other problems: I didn't have to go through female puberty (I'm non-binary), it numbed my feelings, gave me something I was good at and on top of it all it did make me skinny, which by that point was the idealisation of a skeleton. The combination of my bpd, anorexia, depression and supposed autism made me unable to function properly. I dropped out of school twice, got admitted numerous times and just never felt happy or sane.

I met the person who I've had the longest friendship with 4 years ago. We opened up so quickly to each other. Maybe too quickly. At some point he became somewhat of a therapist to me, which of course isn't a healthy friendship, but we really believed he could help me. Because of my bpd (or the way my brain is wired) the friendship got to a pushing-and-pulling manipulative mess at many points. We took breaks, which were hell for me, but somehow always resolved it in the end. I think somewhere in that limerence I must've developed feelings. I don't think I've ever been so honest to myself then in the last weeks. For some reason it's always been easier to lie to myself saying I didn't love him romantically but was just extremely attached. Romance was something that wasn't supposed to happen between us. It couldn't. I know he didn't want that and that was fine as long as I could live in the illusion of keeping him just close enough while convincing myself I didn't love him. It didn't help that our friendship got sexual after around a year. We were each other's first times. We fucked for 3 years until he left for an Erasmus exchange semester in October.

That Erasmus changed so much. He was gone for two weeks when he called me to tell me he had sex with someone else. Theorethically he did nothing wrong. We were never exclusive, but that wrecked me. I still remember the afternoon he told me. I got sick to my stomach, couldn't swallow anything and had diarrhea for two weeks straight. The awful thing was that their sexual encounters kept happening so after every update I'd get on that, I'd just be ill again. Really had to drag myself through life. I was a wreck. But in the back of my mind I believed that everything would be back to old as soon as his Erasmus was over.

I visited him when he came back home for the Holidays. That's when I lost all hope. He looked at me with the most dead eyes. I just couldn't recognize him anymore. Every connection we had built seemed to have been flushed down a drain. I got commited that day. Let me tell you that celebrating Christmas, NYE and your birthday in a psych ward is an experience. I spent 3 weeks in the psych ward before leaving to the country my friend's exchange is in, the day after my release. We had a mutual agreement that this would be our last week before we both went our own ways. I had so much fun, but also constantly fought my triggers, had crises, felt like having to suck up my own tears and I did some messed up stuff too. I destroyed some of the girl's stuff that was still lying around in his dorm. I threw it out the window and flushed some things. What I meant by "going our own ways" wasn't just ending the friendship. I had plans to kill myself as soon as I got home. Stupid me told him and he informed his parents who came to pick me up at the airport and drove me straight back to the ward. So that's where I'm at while writing this.

Little did I know that, just like I was repressing romantic feelings these years, my best friend would be repressing his romantic interest for the girl he fucked. They're at a point where he gets depresssed if he doesn't hear from her, they call each other all kinds of cute names and organised a secret meet-up in February where he'll be visiting her in her home country. I just can't be alive anymore by the time he goes to see her. I don't know how to process having him be in love with someone while leaving me lonely. I might sound stupid killing myself over a man, but it's more like a series of unfortunate events for the past 9 years where this is the last drop.

So the plan?

As soon as I'm released from the hospital, most likely this or next week, I'll be going through a 3-day plan.

Day 1:
- Contact my dealer to bring me H. "Are you really killing yourself with opiates??" I know, I know, I would've also preferred SN, but it's pretty inaccessible in the time span I have. I've never used opiates before, I'm as light as a feather so I think 1g of even the most impure stuff will be enough for an OD.
- Read the letters I wrote to my loved ones one more time.

Day 2:
- Clean my dorm (aka the place of my passing)
- Supermarket for ingredients for my last meal
- A good long everything shower

Day 3:
- Call/text people that I care about but aren't getting a letter
- Cook my last meal: pumpkin ravioli with tomato sauce, sweet potato chunks and grana padano with a side of yellow pickled radish and beets, an Ikea cinnamon bun and jasmine tea and eat that while watching Her by Spike Jonze.
- Put on a cute outfit, do my makeup, just get ready for the last moment I'll be looked at
- Play the Her score while putting my letters in sight, prepping my stuff to then die on my bed between my plushies after a per-rectal H OD at age 20
Hey! I don't plan to die for some time as I have certain conditions I would like to happen before I do it, but I can get your frustration in the general publics lack of understanding. I may not even understand myself but if you'd like to vent out everything you need to say, I will be here to listen without encouraging you to recover. This is your choice to make and only you can decide it, because nobody else will truly understand your thought process behind it. If it's anytime soon, I may even cry for your death as I'm a rather sensitive person lol and I find I'm often crying for those who have now passed that were apart of this site and even those who werent ( mentioning this as I, and I know some other people, would find comfort in others mourning them when they pass)
I can tell you're a warm-hearted person. Thank you!
It really is lonely. Carrying around something you can't mention to anyone else, because it'll be heavily discouraged, is a burden which is really hard to handle. Even if you're lucky enough to have friends or other people around you, it's still isolating to be a completely different individual on the outside than the inside. Acting is hard; acting for years on end is agonizing. And if those around you know about your struggles, they'll likely not completely understand you, which is -- guess what — lonely. I'm glad I've found others here who understand me, my wishes, and choices, and who are willing to keep me alive for so long, but also willing to let go when it's gone on for too long. I hope you find someone.
The friend that I spoke about above, was the only one who seemed to understand. I remember he held me last week while I cried and told me: "of course I don't want you to die. But I also know you're suffering. So if dying is the only way you believe to find rest, then I can only support that and hope the best for you." Little sad that he did inform his parents about it right after...
 
Last edited:
  • Hugs
Reactions: Luminous_ and JustHere1
C

ClippedWings

Member
Nov 30, 2024
71
Well, I totally relate. I would say, try to focus on the good aspects of being dead, or even, not alive. That's generally what I try, in between seething and wanting to slit my throat every other second. I for example am excited to stop waking up. The chance of achieving literally anything I desire is higher after death for me, so that's exciting as well.
 
Luminous_

Luminous_

Puss-Eating-Pot-Princess
Jan 20, 2025
25
I'll just yap for anyone that is interested in the full story of why I chose death.

The first time I've wanted to kill myself was 9 years ago, when I was 11. I grew up as the only mixed-race kid in an all-white, cows and meadows, no supermarket village. I faced racism and alienation from around the age of 5 by classmates, teachers and neighbors. A seed was planted in my brain that because of the fact I was different I was undeserving of friendship. Every friendship I've had since elementary school has followed the same pattern: I'm lonely, they give me friendship, I get too attached, they want more distance, I will try every crazy attempt to make them stay until they eventually leave permanently. I know that's borderline now, got diagnosed this month.

My insecure self went to middle school and developed anorexia. At first it wasn't even about losing weight. I just didn't want people to make fun of me and eating felt like a very vulnerable moment for others to pick at me. When I lost some weight, the realisation came that not eating also fixed an ordeal of other problems: I didn't have to go through female puberty (I'm non-binary), it numbed my feelings, gave me something I was good at and on top of it all it did make me skinny, which by that point was the idealisation of a skeleton. The combination of my bpd, anorexia, depression and supposed autism made me unable to function properly. I dropped out of school twice, got admitted numerous times and just never felt happy or sane.

I met the person who I've had the longest friendship with 4 years ago. We opened up so quickly to each other. Maybe too quickly. At some point he became somewhat of a therapist to me, which of course isn't a healthy friendship, but we really believed he could help me. Because of my bpd (or the way my brain is wired) the friendship got to a pushing-and-pulling manipulative mess at many points. We took breaks, which were hell for me, but somehow always resolved it in the end. I think somewhere in that limerence I must've developed feelings. I don't think I've ever been so honest to myself then in the last weeks. For some reason it's always been easier to lie to myself saying I didn't love him romantically but was just extremely attached. Romance was something that wasn't supposed to happen between us. It couldn't. I know he didn't want that and that was fine as long as I could live in the illusion of keeping him just close enough while convincing myself I didn't love him. It didn't help that our friendship got sexual after around a year. We were each other's first times. We fucked for 3 years until he left for an Erasmus exchange semester in October.

That Erasmus changed so much. He was gone for two weeks when he called me to tell me he had sex with someone else. Theorethically he did nothing wrong. We were never exclusive, but that wrecked me. I still remember the afternoon he told me. I got sick to my stomach, couldn't swallow anything and had diarrhea for two weeks straight. The awful thing was that their sexual encounters kept happening so after every update I'd get on that, I'd just be ill again. Really had to drag myself through life. I was a wreck. But in the back of my mind I believed that everything would be back to old as soon as his Erasmus was over.

I visited him when he came back home for the Holidays. That's when I lost all hope. He looked at me with the most dead eyes. I just couldn't recognize him anymore. Every connection we had built seemed to have been flushed down a drain. I got commited that day. Let me tell you that celebrating Christmas, NYE and your birthday in a psych ward is an experience. I spent 3 weeks in the psych ward before leaving to the country my friend's exchange is in, the day after my release. We had a mutual agreement that this would be our last week before we both went our own ways. I had so much fun, but also constantly fought my triggers, had crises, felt like having to suck up my own tears and I did some messed up stuff too. I destroyed some of the girl's stuff that was still lying around in his dorm. I threw it out the window and flushed some things. What I meant by "going our own ways" wasn't just ending the friendship. I had plans to kill myself as soon as I got home. Stupid me told him and he informed his parents who came to pick me up at the airport and drove me straight back to the ward. So that's where I'm at while writing this.

Little did I know that, just like I was repressing romantic feelings these years, my best friend would be repressing his romantic interest for the girl he fucked. They're at a point where he gets depresssed if he doesn't hear from her, they call each other all kinds of cute names and organised a secret meet-up in February where he'll be visiting her in her home country. I just can't be alive anymore by the time he goes to see her. I don't know how to process having him be in love with someone while leaving me lonely. I might sound stupid killing myself over a man, but it's more like a series of unfortunate events for the past 9 years where this is the last drop.

So the plan?

As soon as I'm released from the hospital, most likely this or next week, I'll be going through a 3-day plan.

Day 1:
- Contact my dealer to bring me H. "Are you really killing yourself with opiates??" I know, I know, I would've also preferred SN, but it's pretty inaccessible in the time span I have. I've never used opiates before, I'm as light as a feather so I think 1g of even the most impure stuff will be enough for an OD.
- Read the letters I wrote to my loved ones one more time.

Day 2:
- Clean my dorm (aka the place of my passing)
- Supermarket for ingredients for my last meal
- A good long everything shower

Day 3:
- Call/text people that I care about but aren't getting a letter
- Cook my last meal: pumpkin ravioli with tomato sauce, sweet potato chunks and grana padano with a side of yellow pickled radish and beets, an Ikea cinnamon bun and jasmine tea and eat that while watching Her by Spike Jonze.
- Put on a cute outfit, do my makeup, just get ready for the last moment I'll be looked at
- Play the Her score while putting my letters in sight, prepping my stuff to then die on my bed between my plushies after a per-rectal H OD at age 20

I can tell you're a warm-hearted person. Thank you!

The friend that I spoke about above, was the only one who seemed to understand. I remember he held me last week while I cried and told me: "of course I don't want you to die. But I also know you're suffering. So if dying is the only way you believe to find rest, then I can only support that and hope the best for you." Little sad that he did inform his parents about it right after...
I don't know your friend or your relationship, or the things that have happened and the way you both speak to each other… but I do think he's kind of ass….. maybe it's just because I'm only hearing it from your side, but I find it hard that he would be so oblivious, and the way he backstabbed you despite saying he understood your need to die. Do you think you'd ever confess your feelings to him before you go? If not at an attempt to form a relationship, just to get closure before your passing.

30-40 mg is all it takes, so a gram would be plenty. Plus it's a very peaceful and euphoric way to go, you inspired a new method other than sn!! Infact heroin od would probably be even better
 
floop

floop

sadboi
Jan 29, 2025
68
But I'm gonna die by myself in my bed after planning some secret mission for weeks.
i felt this in my core, what an accurate way of saying this. i'm hoping to CTB myself very soon and not being able to talk about it with people, especially IRL is very hard and isolating. i just want to talk with people who recognize this wasn't a decision i made over night or impulsively. this has been planned and thought out for a very long time. i don't need to be saved. i hope whatever your future may bring, you're able to finally find peace <3
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: loveable_lamb
soonnotkoei

soonnotkoei

got my foot in the grave
Sep 24, 2024
177
well ive been lonely most of my life so i guess i can be lonely one last time.
 
  • Aww..
Reactions: loveable_lamb
AssmanDIK

AssmanDIK

New Member
Jan 31, 2025
1
That's sad, no one deserves to be rejected and abandoned like that. Especially when this someone was there for you for so long and you have many memories together. You can feel worthless, insecure and just dead inside because how can you feel? This someone is supposed to be there for you now, when you need him or her the most and turns out you are not worthy anymore. That's just people for you, they say all kind of things, promise you everything but when you truly need them they just look at you with dead eyes like you mean nothing to them. I hope you will be able to trust someone in the future and find your happiness. I was in a place like that after my failed attempt with opioids, morphine so I know how it is. It isn't bad place at least mine wasn't but you can see all kind of people in there and can be scared for life definitely. Huges for you and and every kind soul here. It's sad that we are here under this circumstances but at least we can find someone who knows what pain are we in ❤️
 
  • Love
Reactions: loveable_lamb

Similar threads

nails
Replies
6
Views
309
Suicide Discussion
Jadeith
J
3FailedAttemptss
Replies
5
Views
750
Suicide Discussion
Cauliflour
Cauliflour
O
Replies
25
Views
740
Suicide Discussion
Soontocatch
S
DavideKals
Replies
1
Views
67
Suicide Discussion
pauly369
pauly369
blackIronPrison
Replies
6
Views
409
Suicide Discussion
lilurki
lilurki