Venting Suicide is all that makes sense to me

[FuneralCry]

It is because I have awareness of how existence could never be a desirable state, existence was never something worth enduring in the first place. To exist means to be burdened with the ability to suffer in this harmful world filled with endless cruelty and I know that only death can bring relief, only the thought of eternal non-existence appeals to me.

I just don't have any interest in pointlessly decaying from age in an existence that leads to one ceasing to exist anyway. Existing is always meaningless and just leads to more suffering so as a result suicide feels like the only true rational thing to wish for.
I see it as something so terrible being trapped inside the flesh prison that is the human body, we are literally slaves to it, trapped with our own thoughts all while it can potentially torture us to extreme extents.

Existence truly is a curse, it's so evil to me and it's evil how there isn't the option to just instantly free ourselves. It's tiring being a conscious being, only death can truly bring peace from the suffering caused by existing, it's insane to me how people continue to procreate into this hellish existence, I wish the non-existent were left alone in peace.

 

[The Burning Fool]

Our nonexistent children are in absolute safety and peace; one with everything. There is no greater gift than never being born.

 

[squirley]

Doomer poets unite !

 

[telw84]

Agreed, its a complete wanker to achieve with any degree of success, tho if it werent for shitty si and crappy suicide prevention and whateva else, sorry for some of negativity you are gaining here funeral cry, to me your on point, and vocal about your feels, that rubs some the wrong way, but what is the alternative ?, Being somebody your not ?, in order to accommodate others ? Nah, just do you, Too many of those fake sorts about as is, we encounter em daily, thanks for being you, and just speaking your mind, refreshing in this time period !, Take care of yourself man, rock on, your posts as always hit the proverbial nail on the head.

 

[squirley]

It is because I have awareness of how existence could never be a desirable state, existence was never something worth enduring in the first place.

I'm actually a little curious about you @FuneralCry what has brought you here and what has brought you to the state of mind you portray.
YOUR awareness might mean existence could NEVER be desirable.
So by saying this do you mean you've NEVER had ONE OUNCE of a pleasurable time.?
Never laughed? Never fucked?
Never party? Never enjoy a good sandwich? Or even just sit and watch a sun rise?
I agree the world's a shit hole. But what's that saying. Tis better to have live and lost than never to have lived at all?

To exist means to be burdened with the ability to suffer in this harmful world filled with endless cruelty and I know that only death can bring relief, only the thought of eternal non-existence appeals to me.

I agree. You do need to have tough skin to make it. Without getting into politics and everything else. Like i said world is shit.
Up to you how you play the game and the game is not fair and rigged as fuck..
It's good people have a choice to say fuck it or other wise.

I just don't have any interest in pointlessly decaying from age in an existence that leads to one ceasing to exist anyway. Existing is always meaningless and just leads to more suffering so as a result suicide feels like the only true rational thing to wish for.

ALWAYS meaningless? Damn you must have lived a completely sheltered horrible dark life then ? If so sorry to hear.

I see it as something so terrible being trapped inside the flesh prison that is the human body, we are literally slaves to it, trapped with our own thoughts all while it can potentially torture us to extreme extents.

Deep.

Existence truly is a curse, it's so evil to me and it's evil how there isn't the option to just instantly free ourselves.

There are options? But I do agree not instantly available for everyone. Unfortunately.

It's tiring being a conscious being, only death can truly bring peace from the suffering caused by existing, it's insane to me how people continue to procreate into this hellish existence, I wish the non-existent were left alone in peace.

I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news but they're are people who procreate and go through the trenches come out broken but ok or even stronger. Others such as my self are done fighting. And it's great that people have the option to fight or not.

Doomer poets unite !

This was a joke / satire btw before anyone gets too excited lul.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never felt at peace or content with existing, something so pointless and harmful as existence could never be enjoyable, in general existing doesn't interest me and isn't for me, I don't desire it, ever since I was aware of what death was it comforted me. I just find existing in general and having the ability to be aware as something so dreadful, there's no peace in being conscious, existing is very meaningless and I don't think it's abnormal thinking in such a way, I see existence for what it truly is.

 

[squirley]

I've never felt at peace or content with existing, something so pointless and harmful as existence could never be enjoyable, in general existing doesn't interest me and isn't for me, I don't desire it, ever since I was aware of what death was it comforted me. I just find existing in general and having the ability to be aware as something so dreadful, there's no peace in being conscious, existing is very meaningless and I don't think it's abnormal thinking in such a way, I see existence for what it truly is.

ok you answered one of my questions with your cryptic code. And I appreciate that.

You've never felt peace or content with existing.
Got it.
Are you a theater kid? or a English major by chance ?

I guess one could ask. Why do you put up with the suffering then ? Have you tried therapy or meds or do you want to ctb one day ?

But what about the other things I mentioned.

You don't eat food? Or drink liquids?
Do you yell at a delicious salad when you eat it ? Because it tastes good but also you exist.

When did you become aware of what death was 5? 8? 10?

And what would you describe as seeing existence as it truly is?
Pointless ? Harmful?

Definitely not abnormal to think this way.
I guess I'm just curious why.
Just the world as a whole? Or some type of extreme trauma. ( don't need details if so. )

I agree with most of what you say to an extent.
But without reason it seems vague and empty.

Do I want to ctb. Yes.
Have I attempted and failed. Yes , unfortunately.
But did i just enjoy the MAMA spicy noodles I just ate. Yes.

one person can say I've had peace and fun at times and now I want to ctb. Years later.

But what you're saying is you've never experienced one little drop of happiness ever ? And have always not wanted to exist. ?

Just trying to understand.

 

[H4ku._.]

Death brings relief but it brings even more relief if you are older and sometimes the pain is just bigger that the relief, especially when we are still young.

 

[SpiritualDeath]

ok you answered one of my questions with your cryptic code. And I appreciate that.

You've never felt peace or content with existing.
Got it.
Are you a theater kid? or a English major by chance ?

I guess one could ask. Why do you put up with the suffering then ? Have you tried therapy or meds or do you want to ctb one day ?

But what about the other things I mentioned.

You don't eat food? Or drink liquids?
Do you yell at a delicious salad when you eat it ? Because it tastes good but also you exist.

When did you become aware of what death was 5? 8? 10?

And what would you describe as seeing existence as it truly is?
Pointless ? Harmful?

Definitely not abnormal to think this way.
I guess I'm just curious why.
Just the world as a whole? Or some type of extreme trauma. ( don't need details if so. )

I agree with most of what you say to an extent.
But without reason it seems vague and empty.

Do I want to ctb. Yes.
Have I attempted and failed. Yes , unfortunately.
But did i just enjoy the MAMA spicy noodles I just ate. Yes.

one person can say I've had peace and fun at times and now I want to ctb. Years later.

But what you're saying is you've never experienced one little drop of happiness ever ? And have always not wanted to exist. ?

Just trying to understand.

Do you mind me answering some of your questions? (personally I completely understand and agree with FC) Sorry and just ignore me if this appears abrupt or interrupting.

Surely there are moments of happiness in life but only scraps of them, and all of them are conditional. Also, what brings you happiness can bring you more suffering. For example, delicious food you mentioned doesn't just appear in front of you whenever you want without any cost. To get them you need money. To get money you need a job. To get a job you need to be trained to behave and fit into a socially accepted standard, which involves discipline and punishment, starting from a very young age (no one wants that, not in any kid's nature). You also need to acquire certain skills (which involves learning things that you don't like or at times when you don't want to) and win when competing with others if you want to secure your job and therefore your money. And it doesn't end here. You can't possibly enjoy that delicious food if you're sick to the bones and suffering greatly from your sickness. You wouldn't be happy when you're hungry but that delicious food is not always available. If you don't have money, the existence of delicious food would only make you suffer more (you want that but can't get that). If you're a kid that's even worse. It seems like you're getting that delicious food for free (from your caregiver) but when they're unhappy they can always refuse to do so and yet you don't have another source of income (or any freedom at all) because you're too young. The list goes on...

happiness exists but it doesn't sound like "happiness", more like a long-desired (yet temporary) relief from all the pain and frustration you have endured in order to gain it when you think about it. You would find out that happiness fades very quickly, and the only thing it does is continuing your existence which has no inherent meanings (and you keep desiring and keep suffering). That's just how we live. With non-existence it's not a problem at all because you have neither desires nor the ability to suffer. To me it's more than reasonable if someone thinks that this existence is hellish enough to be despised under all circumstances.

 

[squirley]

Do you mind me answering some of your questions? (personally I completely understand and agree with FC) Sorry and just ignore me if this appears abrupt or interrupting.

Not at all thanks for reply and input.

Surely there are moments of happiness in life but only scraps of them, and all of them are conditional. Also, what brings you happiness can bring you more suffering.

I agree. And that's how.i ended up were I am now. " the bigger they are , the harder they fall " type thing.

For example, delicious food you mentioned doesn't just appear in front of you whenever you want without any cost. To get them you need money. To get money you need a job. To get a job you need to be trained to behave and fit into a socially accepted standard, which involves discipline and punishment, starting from a very young age (no one wants that, not in any kid's nature).

I agree. The way that money controls everything its sickening.
And coming from someone that has had a bunch and zero all at the same time. I get it.

The social acceptance is also a brutal concept which I've struggled with and eventually stopped giving a shit but its hard to escape. If even possible.
and why I couldn't ever find my self in an office environment and why I chose the trades. Before getting injured.
And yes that is a good point. The amount of pressure that some people / kids go through is brutal.
But would you compare this to having a
"life skill" such as fishing.
Or do you mean forcing kids to go to school.

You also need to acquire certain skills (which involves learning things that you don't like or at times when you don't want to)

Your not wrong. And that's what life is, learning experiences. Or is this the point you're making. To learn also comes unnecessary suffering?

I've had horrible experiences trying to learn things and said fuck that it's not for me. Carpentry was hard but satisfying.
Or do you mean daily skills, cooking , cleaning etc.

and win when competing with others if you want to secure your job and therefore your money. And this is not the end.

The "rat race" in other words. ? Yah this I 100% agree it causes huge problems and trauma for people , hence alcohol and drug abuse. From me personally at certain points in my life.

You can't possibly enjoy that delicious food if you're sick to the bones and suffering greatly from your sickness.

True.

You wouldn't be happy when you're hungry but that delicious food is not always available.

Also true and ive been there.

If you don't have money, the existence of delicious food would only make you suffer more (you want that but can't get that). If you're a kid that's even worse.

True.

It seems like you're getting that delicious food for free (from your caregiver) but when they're unhappy they can always refuse to do so and yet you don't have another source of income (or any freedom at all) because you're too young.

Not me personally but as a child I get what you're saying. It upsets me when people that are not ready for kids have kids.

happiness exists but it doesn't sound like "happiness", more like a long-desired (yet temporary) relief from all the pain and frustration you have endured in order to gain it when you think about it.

Well said.

You would find out that happiness fades very quickly, and the only thing it does is continuing your existence which has no inherent meanings (and you keep desiring and keep suffering). That's just how we live.

Also we'll said.

With non-existence it's not a problem at all because you have neither desires nor the ability to suffer. To me it's more than reasonable if someone thinks that this existence is hellish enough to be despised under all circumstances.

No desires.
But also no ability to suffer.
I get it well said.

 

[SpiritualDeath]

But would you compare this to having a
"life skill" such as fishing.

Surely you can choose have a life skill instead of having to go to the social slave producing machine systems called schools, hoping to have more freedom, but the real problem actually lies in neither of the two. If you can choose from these two options, that's good, but you can never choose to do nothing because suffering is guaranteed if you do nothing (even if money is not a problem you'll be plagued by emptiness and boredom). Also, no matter what you choose to do, you'll face the same threats of suffering: you suffer from hunger, thirst, loss, boredom, disease, etc, if you don't do things "correctly". The change in how you live doesn't free you from suffering.

Or is this the point you're making. To learn also comes unnecessary suffering?

To desire comes unnecessary suffering. In existence you must learn or else you suffer. In general people adapt to this kind of things in order to keep living but if you think carefully about it, the adaptation to it doesn't mean it becomes less unreasonable.

I think that generally it's possible for people to agree on these points even if they're fairly happy and content in their own lives, because everything here's based on observation (and everyone can simply look around to get these details themselves).

 

[squirley]

Surely you can choose have a life skill instead of having to go to the social slave producing machine systems called schools, hoping to have more freedom, but the real problem actually lies in neither of the two. If you can choose from these two options, that's good, but you can never choose to do nothing because suffering is guaranteed if you do nothing (even if money is not a problem you'll be plagued by emptiness and boredom). Also, no matter what you choose to do, you'll face the same threats of suffering: you suffer from hunger, thirst, loss, boredom, disease, etc, if you don't do things "correctly". The change in how you live doesn't free you from suffering.

To desire comes unnecessary suffering. In existence you must learn or else you suffer. In general people adapt to this kind of things in order to keep living but if you think carefully about it, the adaptation to it doesn't mean it becomes less unreasonable.

I think that generally it's possible for people to agree on these points even if they're fairly happy and content in their own lives, because everything here's based on observation (and everyone can simply look around to get these details themselves).

Very well said and thanks for the outlook
It's appreciated more in depth looks.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

'm actually a little curious about you @FuneralCry what has brought you here and what has brought you to the state of mind you portray.
YOUR awareness might mean existence could NEVER be desirable.
So by saying this do you mean you've NEVER had ONE OUNCE of a pleasurable time.?
Never laughed? Never fucked?
Never party? Never enjoy a good sandwich? Or even just sit and watch a sun rise?
I agree the world's a shit hole. But what's that saying. Tis better to have live and lost than never to have lived at all?

I feel a similar way to FC (well at least about how I view my own life, I wouldn't say life is horrible for everyone) and I've asked so many people what they get out of life to try and find out what I'm missing. For instance, how does a sunrise make you feel? I can see a nice sunrise, it doesn't really make ME happy though. Food is not especially pleasurable, it's nicer than starving but having to go through life and death so you can enjoy a sandwich? I'm not having a go, I'm the one that can't understand life (well me and FC lol) and have always had depression, I just don't get it I just wanna be open-minded but it's hard to relate when it comes to life, nothing appeals to me. I suppose you either understand life or you don't and it's not something you can really explain. It'd be like someone trying to explain their hobby and how amazing it is when you know you'll just never find it interesting.

 

[squirley]

I feel a similar way to FC (well at least about how I view my own life, I wouldn't say life is horrible for everyone) and I've asked so many people what they get out of life to try and find out what I'm missing. For instance, how does a sunrise make you feel? I can see a nice sunrise, it doesn't really make ME happy though.

Exactly! I'm glad a few other posted to this thread in a little bit more in depth about
suffering/different views etc. It made.me think.

Yah I just said a few random things that came to mind as I was eating.
but I guess that's because at times I don't have a lot of food. So I'm happy about it in the moment.
but also this creates only a temporary happiness which can possibly lead back to "wanting or suffering" this thread and the other one have some good reads and info.

Now I could care less about a sunrise. As well.

But at the same time when I was fishing on a lobster boat at 3-4am on the ocean I can say it was extremely beautiful. And did make me happy in that moment. This was long ago.

I guess now I'm at ease and I know I'm.done.
not sure exactly what to call it.
But "my care" level is zero. I just don't give a fuck to be blunt.
I just want to enjoy a few good snacks and a couple joints before.my next attempt and hopefully it goes properly this time. I won't get so fucked up like last time.

Food is not especially pleasurable, it's nicer than starving but having to go through life and death so you can enjoy a sandwich? I'm not having a go,

Hahaha makes sense. Bad example. I was eating one ATM.

I'm the one that can't understand life (well me and FC lol) and have always had depression,

Same. But I've masked it forever. And when i went to talk to a shrink i got ridiculed for it.

And I think from what FC said they have a good understanding of it , I just wanted to know why they have that POV and the other post explained it pretty well I think ?

I just don't get it I just wanna be open-minded but it's hard to relate when it comes to life, nothing appeals to me. I suppose you either understand life or you don't and it's not something you can really explain.

Yeah I hear you. I'm not sure. It is hard to explain. You're not wrong. But that was one of my questions like how can NOTHING appeal to you? You know ? Ever ? It's not that I don't belive you I just have a hard time understanding that or maybe I want to understand it? Not sure....
But at the same time I feel that in this point of my life. So I do get it. But how could have it always been ?
Hence why I've thrown in the towel.

Before injuries and life events.
I can say I was at my happiest when I was.... besides work/money .. or social life / sex
All that.

It was when I was at the gym. a lot.
I could just play music block out everything work out 2 hrs and everything else kind of didn't matter.?
Mentally I still wasn't at my best. Even worse now. But... gym then BBQ and a joint. I was happy. Or maybe it was just a mask of happiness who knows.

It'd be like someone trying to explain their hobby and how amazing it is when you know you'll just never find it interesting.

Yah exactly like someone trying to invite me to a sewing club for hats , like yah that's cool but I'll never get enjoyment from it.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@squirley thanks for explaining. I think where me and FC differ is that I'm desperate to understand what it's like for happy people whereas FC is just like "being happy is delusional" etc. I actually used to think like that until I got a bit older (FC will hate me for saying that!) but there's only so many times other people can tell you they're genuinely happy being alive before you have to actually believe it I guess.

Yah I just said a few random things that came to mind as I was eating.
but I guess that's because at times I don't have a lot of food. So I'm happy about it in the moment.
but also this creates only a temporary happiness which can possibly lead back to "wanting or suffering" this thread and the other one have some good reads and info.

Yeh I guess I don't really know how it correlates to happiness but I can appreciate a sunrise. Part of me just thinks if that sun didn't exist I wouldn't have to be here tho.

But at the same time when I was fishing on a lobster boat at 3-4am on the ocean I can say it was extremely beautiful. And did make me happy in that moment. This was long ago.

Yeh I can imagine that was very beautiful and tranquil.

I guess now I'm at ease and I know I'm.done.
not sure exactly what to call it.
But "my care" level is zero. I just don't give a fuck to be blunt.
I just want to enjoy a few good snacks and a couple joints before.my next attempt and hopefully it goes properly this time. I won't get so fucked up like last time.

I suppose I don't ever think I'll get anything out of life, it sounds like you've had some good times. It's not like I'm saying everything has been awful for me, more like I just know I don't get the same effect out of experiences that other people do. But I mean that's depression in a nutshell! It really sucks if you are in the situation you're in due to injury and life circumstances when you previously enjoyed life.

Same. But I've masked it forever. And when i went to talk to a shrink i got ridiculed for it.

And I think from what FC said they have a good understanding of it , I just wanted to know why they have that POV and the other post explained it pretty well I think ?

Sounds like a shitty shrink! I haven't been to one yet, wondering whether to take the plunge or not. I think I would give up if I had that experience-That's just really awful of them, like in what way is it professional to ridicule people going to you for help? SMDH

Before injuries and life events.
I can say I was at my happiest when I was.... besides work/money .. or social life / sex
All that.

It was when I was at the gym. a lot.
I could just play music block out everything work out 2 hrs and everything else kind of didn't matter.?

Yeh I wish I had the motivation for that! It sucks you're not in that place anymore and can't still do that because of injuries etc.

Yah exactly like someone trying to invite me to a sewing club for hats , like yah that's cool but I'll never get enjoyment from it.

Haha exactly good example! Maybe I just expect too much. The only thing I could genuinely enjoy or look forward to would be rare events like concerts or Christmas or something. I can't see daily life as enjoyable if you know what I mean.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

I completely agree.

 

[squirley]

@squirley thanks for explaining. I think where me and FC differ is that I'm desperate to understand what it's like for happy people

ok I gotcha , and yah simular thoughts but also a difference. And that's a hard one to explain.
Even though I knew at times of "happiness" the world is a fucked up dark place. I didn't care. Even though I agree existing is fucked. At that time in my life I would be toxic and say ...yah life is dark play the game or don't pussy . Take a shot and do a rail then go back to work lol.
But I'm a little more understanding now. Even though I've thrown in the towel On my life.
Those 2 articles in the other thread explained it better then I can.
Even though it some what exaggerated on life is pointless and even existing is fucked. I get it.
Happiness is fake etc. - I won't lie I've enjoyed that fake happiness. But also see the other side as well.

whereas FC is just like "being happy is delusional" etc. I actually used to think like that until I got a bit older (FC will hate me for saying that!)

Ah right exactly kind of what I meant by what I said up there. I can see both sides of it. Cause I've experienced both sides. Society norms / personal goals / darkness / etc.

but there's only so many times other people can tell you they're genuinely happy being alive before you have to actually believe it I guess.

I know people , sorry KNEW people. I keep to my self now. I've known people that are genuinely happy , that have worked hard and broken out of the system or played the system well to not be wage slaves or bank slaves anymore.
Brings back the " rat race " type theory and how it's fucked up that people need to compete vs each other. Hence the existing at all is torture.
True.
I understand the argument.... oh that's just society brainwashing they're not really happy they just think they're happy. But I can't agree with that.

Yeh I guess I don't really know how it correlates to happiness but I can appreciate a sunrise. Part of me just thinks if that sun didn't exist I wouldn't have to be here tho.

True ! A nuclear type winter would be great. Just a hard reset on the planet lul. Yah I'm not sure what example would be good to say. When I've gone on dog walks with an old friend. That I can say was clean sober , and genuinely good vibes.

Yeh I can imagine that was very beautiful and tranquil.

it's odd now though. Coming at ease with my choice not to be here ive been able to see things as they are. Reality etc. And no longer care about those things. Just want to exit asap when things are prepared again.

I suppose I don't ever think I'll get anything out of life, it sounds like you've had some good times. It's not like I'm saying everything has been awful for me,

Yeah I've had , Ups and Downs. Now I'm just content. And accepting.
I hear yah , but I think that's where I misunderstood most of FC posts. And I'm glad those 2 others , can't remember the names damnit. Went into further detail and explained a little more.
like how can EVERYTHING be so TRAGIC and AWFUL, but it was from more of a over all out look and philosophy type out look. Based on some facts though as well.
And I was looking at it in a more personal way.
Also that's the difference you can say not everything is has been awful, but you can agree the world is shit. ( I think )

more like I just know I don't get the same effect out of experiences that other people do. But I mean that's depression in a nutshell!

Very true , I agree. And I think that's why I self medicated for a long time and went to the gym so much. At least then things were bearable?

It really sucks if you are in the situation you're in due to injury and life circumstances when you previously enjoyed life.

c'est la vie. I could if I wanted to go get all doped up and stay in a locked up ward for a month , all cranked up on pills. Therapy etc.
Not saying this doesn't work for some people. Even though its fucked up at times.
I just don't want to this time. Don't have the energy. Nor the care. Fucked up world has won and I accept the defeat. And thanks.

Sounds like a shitty shrink! I haven't been to one yet, wondering whether to take the plunge or not. I think I would give up if I had that experience-That's just really awful of them, like in what way is it professional to ridicule people going to you for help? SMDH

Yah I've heard so many stories some good some bad it's pretty all over the place I don't really get it. Mine was ok. Talked , listen. Gave a 3rd party outlook on certain things. I could agree or disagree. Only thing I didn't agree with was the amount of meds they wanted me to take. Like 8-10 pills a day. Ridiculous.
What I meant was a few of my "friends" I told completely turned and where like wow bro you're fucked up going to therapy/soberity and all this shit.
True friends will be ok good man whatever you need to do.

Yeh I wish I had the motivation for that! It sucks you're not in that place anymore and can't still do that because of injuries etc.

Yah at one point it did suck. But now I don't really think about it.
at that point I realized certain people I was around and shit I was doing , was very draining. Few dudes gave the motivation/sober Even without the meds. I do feel a little guilty at times because me being gone will upset them. But I think they'll understand. Eventually.

Haha exactly good example! Maybe I just expect too much. The only thing I could genuinely enjoy or look forward to would be rare events like concerts or Christmas or something. I can't see daily life as enjoyable if you know what I mean.

Concerts etc . Sure great happiness but then that can go back to the other "argument" of temporary "fake happiness" and then on Monday you're back to dark reality.
Yah I hear you this is why everyday before work I would smoke a fat J because even though I'm like yay work build stuff , in the back of my mind it's like ok , rent , food, bills, gas , etc . And that's the cruelties of it all. How can you obtain a daily "happiness" if we are all set up for failure the second we pop out the womb.

 

[outlook56]

I was browsing this forum and I always saw your posts. You are a kind soul. I am truly sorry, but life is crushing and has no mercy.

 

[annointed_towers]

I wouldn't be so sure.