purplemoon
I Have the Light Inside, Surrounded by Darkness
- Sep 22, 2019
- 394
SUICIDE Continues to reveal itself as an indicator that a person, and even animals, as well as children very sadly, become inclined towards suicide when their system has been overloaded with too much trauma or stressful events, especially ongoing danger, and/or previous damage rendering the neurological and brain circuitry, culminating in a physiological reflects of self-destruct mode.
I understand that because of purposes for linguistic communication, we use the terms "mental illness, psychiatric illness, psychological issues", etc. to communicate thoughts, ideas, concepts, etc but truly from everything I've researched and experienced myself throughout my lifetime, in addition to also observing friends and how they either fall apart, people become very angry, or become very depressed...
all because of too much damage whether it's from violence, medical problems, threatening atmospheres to maneuver through with not enough stealth because of numerous stressors, or even just having no one of value to connect with.
As humans, we are not designed for this so called modern world that is so fast pace, we are not getting the rest that we need to regenerate, to have the balance of emotional needs met instead of work, work, work, and think that that's normal or even healthy. It's not. It's a human idea that we're supposed to be working the majority of our waking lives and at what cost exactly?
We are not getting the vitally important physical and emotional rest that we desperately need to regenerate, to have the balance of emotional needs met instead of work, work, work, and think that's "normal" or even healthy. It's not.
Humans' forced modern society of survival has become treacherously long hours enduring unnatural stress, unnatural crowds, around shocking levels of dangers nearly continuously, whether people are consciously aware or not. It's too much for many people to endure. It's analogous to putting a dolphin in a small uncomfortable pool instead of freely roaming the ocean like it's designed to be, and then irrationally expecting it to simply be relaxed/happy.
Even dolphins kill themselves as they can actually consciously choose to stop breathing and beach themselves when they have been separated from their pod family, or become very physically sick.
Many animals in nature end up killing their own offspring because they know that the environment is too treacherous for any kind of decent survival or quality of life. It is almost like a physiological reflex, much like when the doctor uses that little rubber hammer to put pressure on your knee suddenly, and your leg kicks out automatically; it's a reflex that has been designed by nature.
You can also look at worldwide examples sadly, with children also committing suicide or at least trying to, especially when they live in violently abusive homes, or horrific war torn /refugee environments, even as young as 5 years old they could be seen banging their head, jumping into rivers, all out of complete despair and absolute exhaustion.
For me, if it's a child, I become extra protective of them, especially if I think they are being abused in anyway, or frightened, the mother in me would do anything to protect them, even if it meant losing my own life to save a stranger's child. Part of the reason is because I myself was severely abused throughout my life, starting in childhood by my own father, and then by a few very dangerous men who were monsters.
Can anyone here relate to that?
when you inherently recognize suffering and others, when you can feel it as a gut instinct, that something is very wrong, that certain person is giving off very dangerous vibes, or that someone in front of you, whether it's a child or an adult or an animal, that their system is so traumatized that they are a walking time-bomb ready to explode?
When did you all reach your breaking point?
Or a moment of clarity that you can no longer tolerate additional stress, or an experience that pushed you to the very edge?
I have been suicidal since i was 8 years old. My first real suicide attempt was at age 8 when i tried to hang myself in my closet with 2 jump ropes.
I tried to kill myself on my own birthday when I turned eight, because after I put on the present from my mother (a purple swimsuit), and I was so happy and excited to go play outside in the backyard in the sprinkler, my father became angry, and I didn't understand why.
He punched me in the stomach twice as I fell to the floor and my joy of the moment was destroyed, when I stood up and asked him why?!? was he so angry at me on my birthday? he would say irrational things that made no sense. I look back now and realize that part of it was probably because he himself was so empty inside and never gave genuine love, only resentment and jealousy of those that do love truly and genuinely.
This is the same father that my mother and sister told me (when I was older), that he repeatedly punched my mother in the stomach when she was pregnant with me, and also punched me when I was a baby and toddler, Sometimes because I somehow interrupted his day? My mom said one time he slapped me so hard when i was 1 year old because i interrupted him... i was only ONE... and she said he left part of his hand imprint on my innocent little toddler face...
and When I was a baby?
Who the hell punches a little baby?!?
Only monsters do...
Between My father's unpredictable violence at home with me, my sister and my mother, and then kids at school bullying me because I was too sweet, too loving, too nice to everyone,
even at that young and innocent, tender age, I just wanted to escape all of the stress, and physical and emotional pain. I just wanted to free myself from the chaos called "life".
I've always wondered, why did they bring me into this world? Why?
All I've ever known is abuse, still trying to love and trust people, then regretting it more than half of the time, and trying to survive all the damage. Then hiding, trusting very few, feeling like i'm safer physically and emotionally to simply avoid 80% of the human population. It's sad. Yet i'm happier and more relaxed when i'm very selective with friendships or relationships.
Anyone else feel that way?
My point in sharing that as an authentic example, is that Even in the very young, people can be driven to the point of potential self-destruction, especially if they have No Relief...
There are so many scenarios it seems, with this natural instinct or reflex kicks in:
abuse, violence, injuries/medical suffering that causes so much stress that the brain / neurological system starts to break down. People ( & animals) become 'grumpy' or even violently agitated, when yet another stressor is piled on their already far stretched system that is bursting at the seams.
Or in other types of people or animals, they become extremely depressed, lethargic, and are avoiding interactions because they can't handle any extra potential stress on their system. Or the organism/person sees that Because of trauma caused by another, they are startle response is extreme, indicating that they have experienced something very traumatic.
I think this is part of the reason why there is so much ignorance by so many so-called medical personnel, or family, friends, etc. because if they have not personally experienced such traumatizing events, they don't understand your anxiety, or your depression, or your anger. Then you have to contain all of your natural reactions and put on a damn performance half the time, just to survive.
To some the environment is just fine because maybe they've been sheltered, or they been lucky enough to avoid being physically assaulted, for example.
We are all walking around other people that have completely different experiences and see different levels or layers of reality, either naïvely or expertly.
So to some people, it seems 'weird' or strange, but to other people that I've experienced similar types of Trumatic events, or they're in a dangerous neighborhood, etc. then they understand each other. They only know and understand what they personally have experienced or believe to be true.
That's part of the reason why there is so much ignorance by so many so-called medical personnel, or family, friends, etc. because if they have not personally experience such traumatizing events, they don't understand your anxiety, or your depression, or your anger.
To them the environment is just fine because maybe they've been sheltered, or they've been lucky enough to avoid being physically assaulted, for example.
So to them, it seems weird or strange, but to other people that also have experienced similar types of traumatic events, or they're in a dangerous neighborhood, etc. then they understand each other.
They don't think the other person is "crazy" Because they know personally from experiencing it or witnessing it themselves, that IS the REALITY as there is a tremendous amount of danger in the environment at any moment, depending on who you're around etc.
A few years ago when my car was not functioning well and I had to go to a chiropractor that was very good but very far away. I was just standing there and brought daylight and not the best part of town at a bus stop by myself, and I noticed a white van was starting to slow down near me on the street. I immediately started getting suspicious, called a friend of mine and ask her to stay on the phone with me until I got on the metro bus.
She said I was being "paranoid and sensitive", although my intuition has always proven correct unless i'm emotionally invested. So I got off the phone with her I thought well, maybe she's right, but why is that van circling around the second time? Within the next few minutes the white van came around a 3rd time, swung Open their van side door and a creepy man started reaching for me and grabbed me, they were going to pull me into the van... just like that, in brought daylight. Who's 'paranoid' now?!
I pushed him down into the street and took off running, called the police, but of course the van was gone and I didn't get a plate number. Just like that.
One minute you think reality is one thing, listening to your music, or thinking what you might buy at the mall later, and suddenly a couple of rapists see an opportunity, pull up and try to kidnap you.
That's the reality I've lived with most of my life.
Monsters among normal people.
They've been there the whole time, the entire time, you just may not see it, sense it, recognize it.
Instead of the sweet person who deep inside feels like this....
instead i have to be more like this symbolic dragon protecting her spiritually too often...
i've dated/had relationships/friendships with a lot of cops and As they got to know me and vice versa, it was amazing and even easy for us to almost instantly understand each other. I also dated a Marine that was in the Iraq war, and he and I instantly understood each other almost from day one. Every dating relationship or friendship i've ever had with military men or police officers it's like we pretty much think the same way, have the same humor, just like birds of a feather flock together...
It's not the uniform, it's their perspective, intelligence, and that they understand me so well, and I understand them. Intuitively. Not a word needs to be spoken, just a knowing glance, the way they walk, I see them so clearly, and they see me.
When I tried a domestic violence survivor support group, the majority of the other women there seem to understand each other, almost instantly. It was not "mental illness", it was damage that we were trying to heal together.
I use these examples to point out how often people who have been damaged and/or experienced violence have the same type of perspective, vigilance & continuous awareness of our environment & sizing up/assessing threat level every person around us, and the knowledge that reality is what it is.
Sheltered people, or people that have never experienced violence in their life, have no idea what I just mentioned.
To them, the lucky or well-protected... the environment seems safe enough, NOT because it is necessarily safe, but because they have been lucky enough to never have experienced the underlying truth that There are a tremendous amount of predators out there that are opportunistic, etc.
I'm very understanding and empathic, that any person, of any age and any circumstance, as they are unique and cannot be put in a simple box, who may also feel suicidal.
i've had a lifetime loving all different kinds of friends, all races and ethnicities, many cultures, many religions, and I don't discriminate, ever. I've been good to so many people, but now I need it seems it's so rare and precious in this world.
And I am struggling like many of you to try to stay in this bizarre chaotic world;
I want God to finally let me go home to heaven soon... hopefully to finally be finished with my spiritual work here, at least for my eternity, i already know where i'm going, how beautiful and peaceful it will be for me in heaven.
(Not today, but sometime soon.)
I think this SS forum is so amazing and helpful to the majority of people from what I understand, because it gives us a safe space to talk about our feelings, experiences, and the urge to self-destruct. Whether we will eventually ctb or not, We made a difference somehow, to express our feelings we usually have to hide from those around us.
Suicide is one of the most serious topics, and I think some of us need a little bit of cathartic release, along with some dark humor, around one of the most profoundly important decisions of our lifetime.
Suicide is never funny, it's never a joke, it should be respected and taken extremely seriously. Yet i think myself and many others may use that dark humor about ctb not because it's some sort of joke, but because dark humor can provide momentary relief from sadness about it.
Some of us may be on here for a short time and either leave this life, or recover.
But I do want to thank all of you From my heart, for your sharing, for your support for you that you are, I wish everyone could find the PEACE that they need, whether it's on this earth or in heaven.
I understand many of you may not believe in heaven or hell, God or demons, evil versus good.
That really doesn't matter as we are all sharing here. But for me, I feel like the evil energy works through people's weaknesses, and I wonder what we've done to each other throughout human history and how most of this species is spiritually corrupt, selfish, cruel, or unable to create & generate love from within...
it's very sad and I just wish it would stop... but it won't...
I cry so much of the time in my life here just wishing...that I could just trust everyone... and love everyone... that i would never have to doubt or be scared, but that's not the reality is it?
I just want to escape and be safe 100% of the time, be loved 100% of the time... Is that so wrong? Is it?
To love myself enough to free myself?
For me, Suicide is about liberating myself, so when I see other people expressing that need, I understand you.
I understand ALL of You...
I recognize your pain, I recognize your suffering. I wish I could make it all better for all of you.
Different people have different strengths and weaknesses, support systems or the lack there of, different collections of traumatizing experiences, and it seems that this self-destruct mechanism is triggered when the neurological system & brain circuitry has been too overloaded.
I think for most people that are suicidal, it's not that they're so-called "crazy", it's that they have physiological REFLEX that is triggered and designed by nature.
I cried as I wrote a lot of this, I shared this from my heart and my soul.
I don't know when I'm going to finally have God let me be free...
maybe it will be 20 years from now, maybe next month, I don't know.
But I do know that I wish everyone on here Peace...& for the whole world, to finally be free from all of the suffering.
To be kinder to each other...
& to hold fully accountable those monsters that hurt, and abuse, and traumatize the innocent.
stepfeed.com
www.pbs.org
www.independent.co.uk
I understand that because of purposes for linguistic communication, we use the terms "mental illness, psychiatric illness, psychological issues", etc. to communicate thoughts, ideas, concepts, etc but truly from everything I've researched and experienced myself throughout my lifetime, in addition to also observing friends and how they either fall apart, people become very angry, or become very depressed...
all because of too much damage whether it's from violence, medical problems, threatening atmospheres to maneuver through with not enough stealth because of numerous stressors, or even just having no one of value to connect with.
As humans, we are not designed for this so called modern world that is so fast pace, we are not getting the rest that we need to regenerate, to have the balance of emotional needs met instead of work, work, work, and think that that's normal or even healthy. It's not. It's a human idea that we're supposed to be working the majority of our waking lives and at what cost exactly?
We are not getting the vitally important physical and emotional rest that we desperately need to regenerate, to have the balance of emotional needs met instead of work, work, work, and think that's "normal" or even healthy. It's not.
Humans' forced modern society of survival has become treacherously long hours enduring unnatural stress, unnatural crowds, around shocking levels of dangers nearly continuously, whether people are consciously aware or not. It's too much for many people to endure. It's analogous to putting a dolphin in a small uncomfortable pool instead of freely roaming the ocean like it's designed to be, and then irrationally expecting it to simply be relaxed/happy.
Even dolphins kill themselves as they can actually consciously choose to stop breathing and beach themselves when they have been separated from their pod family, or become very physically sick.
Many animals in nature end up killing their own offspring because they know that the environment is too treacherous for any kind of decent survival or quality of life. It is almost like a physiological reflex, much like when the doctor uses that little rubber hammer to put pressure on your knee suddenly, and your leg kicks out automatically; it's a reflex that has been designed by nature.
You can also look at worldwide examples sadly, with children also committing suicide or at least trying to, especially when they live in violently abusive homes, or horrific war torn /refugee environments, even as young as 5 years old they could be seen banging their head, jumping into rivers, all out of complete despair and absolute exhaustion.
For me, if it's a child, I become extra protective of them, especially if I think they are being abused in anyway, or frightened, the mother in me would do anything to protect them, even if it meant losing my own life to save a stranger's child. Part of the reason is because I myself was severely abused throughout my life, starting in childhood by my own father, and then by a few very dangerous men who were monsters.
Can anyone here relate to that?
when you inherently recognize suffering and others, when you can feel it as a gut instinct, that something is very wrong, that certain person is giving off very dangerous vibes, or that someone in front of you, whether it's a child or an adult or an animal, that their system is so traumatized that they are a walking time-bomb ready to explode?
When did you all reach your breaking point?
Or a moment of clarity that you can no longer tolerate additional stress, or an experience that pushed you to the very edge?
I have been suicidal since i was 8 years old. My first real suicide attempt was at age 8 when i tried to hang myself in my closet with 2 jump ropes.
I tried to kill myself on my own birthday when I turned eight, because after I put on the present from my mother (a purple swimsuit), and I was so happy and excited to go play outside in the backyard in the sprinkler, my father became angry, and I didn't understand why.
He punched me in the stomach twice as I fell to the floor and my joy of the moment was destroyed, when I stood up and asked him why?!? was he so angry at me on my birthday? he would say irrational things that made no sense. I look back now and realize that part of it was probably because he himself was so empty inside and never gave genuine love, only resentment and jealousy of those that do love truly and genuinely.
This is the same father that my mother and sister told me (when I was older), that he repeatedly punched my mother in the stomach when she was pregnant with me, and also punched me when I was a baby and toddler, Sometimes because I somehow interrupted his day? My mom said one time he slapped me so hard when i was 1 year old because i interrupted him... i was only ONE... and she said he left part of his hand imprint on my innocent little toddler face...
and When I was a baby?
Who the hell punches a little baby?!?
Only monsters do...
Between My father's unpredictable violence at home with me, my sister and my mother, and then kids at school bullying me because I was too sweet, too loving, too nice to everyone,
even at that young and innocent, tender age, I just wanted to escape all of the stress, and physical and emotional pain. I just wanted to free myself from the chaos called "life".
I've always wondered, why did they bring me into this world? Why?
All I've ever known is abuse, still trying to love and trust people, then regretting it more than half of the time, and trying to survive all the damage. Then hiding, trusting very few, feeling like i'm safer physically and emotionally to simply avoid 80% of the human population. It's sad. Yet i'm happier and more relaxed when i'm very selective with friendships or relationships.
Anyone else feel that way?
My point in sharing that as an authentic example, is that Even in the very young, people can be driven to the point of potential self-destruction, especially if they have No Relief...
There are so many scenarios it seems, with this natural instinct or reflex kicks in:
abuse, violence, injuries/medical suffering that causes so much stress that the brain / neurological system starts to break down. People ( & animals) become 'grumpy' or even violently agitated, when yet another stressor is piled on their already far stretched system that is bursting at the seams.
Or in other types of people or animals, they become extremely depressed, lethargic, and are avoiding interactions because they can't handle any extra potential stress on their system. Or the organism/person sees that Because of trauma caused by another, they are startle response is extreme, indicating that they have experienced something very traumatic.
I think this is part of the reason why there is so much ignorance by so many so-called medical personnel, or family, friends, etc. because if they have not personally experienced such traumatizing events, they don't understand your anxiety, or your depression, or your anger. Then you have to contain all of your natural reactions and put on a damn performance half the time, just to survive.
To some the environment is just fine because maybe they've been sheltered, or they been lucky enough to avoid being physically assaulted, for example.
We are all walking around other people that have completely different experiences and see different levels or layers of reality, either naïvely or expertly.
So to some people, it seems 'weird' or strange, but to other people that I've experienced similar types of Trumatic events, or they're in a dangerous neighborhood, etc. then they understand each other. They only know and understand what they personally have experienced or believe to be true.
That's part of the reason why there is so much ignorance by so many so-called medical personnel, or family, friends, etc. because if they have not personally experience such traumatizing events, they don't understand your anxiety, or your depression, or your anger.
To them the environment is just fine because maybe they've been sheltered, or they've been lucky enough to avoid being physically assaulted, for example.
So to them, it seems weird or strange, but to other people that also have experienced similar types of traumatic events, or they're in a dangerous neighborhood, etc. then they understand each other.
They don't think the other person is "crazy" Because they know personally from experiencing it or witnessing it themselves, that IS the REALITY as there is a tremendous amount of danger in the environment at any moment, depending on who you're around etc.
A few years ago when my car was not functioning well and I had to go to a chiropractor that was very good but very far away. I was just standing there and brought daylight and not the best part of town at a bus stop by myself, and I noticed a white van was starting to slow down near me on the street. I immediately started getting suspicious, called a friend of mine and ask her to stay on the phone with me until I got on the metro bus.
She said I was being "paranoid and sensitive", although my intuition has always proven correct unless i'm emotionally invested. So I got off the phone with her I thought well, maybe she's right, but why is that van circling around the second time? Within the next few minutes the white van came around a 3rd time, swung Open their van side door and a creepy man started reaching for me and grabbed me, they were going to pull me into the van... just like that, in brought daylight. Who's 'paranoid' now?!
I pushed him down into the street and took off running, called the police, but of course the van was gone and I didn't get a plate number. Just like that.
One minute you think reality is one thing, listening to your music, or thinking what you might buy at the mall later, and suddenly a couple of rapists see an opportunity, pull up and try to kidnap you.
That's the reality I've lived with most of my life.
Monsters among normal people.
They've been there the whole time, the entire time, you just may not see it, sense it, recognize it.
Instead of the sweet person who deep inside feels like this....
instead i have to be more like this symbolic dragon protecting her spiritually too often...
i've dated/had relationships/friendships with a lot of cops and As they got to know me and vice versa, it was amazing and even easy for us to almost instantly understand each other. I also dated a Marine that was in the Iraq war, and he and I instantly understood each other almost from day one. Every dating relationship or friendship i've ever had with military men or police officers it's like we pretty much think the same way, have the same humor, just like birds of a feather flock together...
It's not the uniform, it's their perspective, intelligence, and that they understand me so well, and I understand them. Intuitively. Not a word needs to be spoken, just a knowing glance, the way they walk, I see them so clearly, and they see me.
When I tried a domestic violence survivor support group, the majority of the other women there seem to understand each other, almost instantly. It was not "mental illness", it was damage that we were trying to heal together.
I use these examples to point out how often people who have been damaged and/or experienced violence have the same type of perspective, vigilance & continuous awareness of our environment & sizing up/assessing threat level every person around us, and the knowledge that reality is what it is.
Sheltered people, or people that have never experienced violence in their life, have no idea what I just mentioned.
To them, the lucky or well-protected... the environment seems safe enough, NOT because it is necessarily safe, but because they have been lucky enough to never have experienced the underlying truth that There are a tremendous amount of predators out there that are opportunistic, etc.
I'm very understanding and empathic, that any person, of any age and any circumstance, as they are unique and cannot be put in a simple box, who may also feel suicidal.
i've had a lifetime loving all different kinds of friends, all races and ethnicities, many cultures, many religions, and I don't discriminate, ever. I've been good to so many people, but now I need it seems it's so rare and precious in this world.
And I am struggling like many of you to try to stay in this bizarre chaotic world;
I want God to finally let me go home to heaven soon... hopefully to finally be finished with my spiritual work here, at least for my eternity, i already know where i'm going, how beautiful and peaceful it will be for me in heaven.
(Not today, but sometime soon.)
I think this SS forum is so amazing and helpful to the majority of people from what I understand, because it gives us a safe space to talk about our feelings, experiences, and the urge to self-destruct. Whether we will eventually ctb or not, We made a difference somehow, to express our feelings we usually have to hide from those around us.
Suicide is one of the most serious topics, and I think some of us need a little bit of cathartic release, along with some dark humor, around one of the most profoundly important decisions of our lifetime.
Suicide is never funny, it's never a joke, it should be respected and taken extremely seriously. Yet i think myself and many others may use that dark humor about ctb not because it's some sort of joke, but because dark humor can provide momentary relief from sadness about it.
Some of us may be on here for a short time and either leave this life, or recover.
But I do want to thank all of you From my heart, for your sharing, for your support for you that you are, I wish everyone could find the PEACE that they need, whether it's on this earth or in heaven.
I understand many of you may not believe in heaven or hell, God or demons, evil versus good.
That really doesn't matter as we are all sharing here. But for me, I feel like the evil energy works through people's weaknesses, and I wonder what we've done to each other throughout human history and how most of this species is spiritually corrupt, selfish, cruel, or unable to create & generate
love from within...it's very sad and I just wish it would stop... but it won't...
I cry so much of the time in my life here just wishing...that I could just trust everyone...
and love everyone... that i would never have to doubt or be scared, but that's not the reality is it? I just want to escape and be safe 100% of the time, be loved 100% of the time... Is that so wrong? Is it?
To love myself enough to free myself?
For me, Suicide is about liberating myself, so when I see other people expressing that need, I understand you.
I understand ALL of You...
I recognize your pain, I recognize your suffering. I wish I could make it all better for all of you.
Different people have different strengths and weaknesses, support systems or the lack there of, different collections of traumatizing experiences, and it seems that this self-destruct mechanism is triggered when the neurological system & brain circuitry has been too overloaded.
I think for most people that are suicidal, it's not that they're so-called "crazy", it's that they have physiological REFLEX that is triggered and designed by nature.
I cried as I wrote a lot of this, I shared this from my heart and my soul.
I don't know when I'm going to finally have God let me be free...
maybe it will be 20 years from now, maybe next month, I don't know.
But I do know that I wish everyone on here Peace...& for the whole world, to finally be free from all of the suffering.
To be kinder to each other...
& to hold fully accountable those monsters that hurt, and abuse, and traumatize the innocent.
9-year-old Syrian refugee commits suicide after being 'bullied' in Canada
"She escaped war just to be faced with more hatred."
Police departments confront 'epidemic' in officer suicides
The deaths have come despite the department's mounting efforts to encourage officers to seek help for depression and other mental health problems. After two officers killed themselves on back-to-back days in June, Police Commissioner James O'Neill sent a note reminding the more than 36,000...
www.pbs.org
Desperate child refugees are trying to kill themselves in EU camps
EU-Turkey deal driving mental health crisis as more refugees die at sea than ever before
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