blackorchid
Facing the brink.
- Mar 27, 2026
- 5
this is the first time in a while were I've felt completely hopeless. I've spent a month sunk in depression. I used to force myself to do stuff just to keep a little sense of responsibility, but that no longer works. I gather most of my strenght to shower once a week and my life is just a complete mess.
meds no longer seem to work and suddenly a lot of effort to keep taking. the voices in my head are getting louder and the only thing that seems to help is a couple of sleeping pills a day which i'm running out of.
nothing seems exciting anymore, not even dumbscrolling on tiktok, not even listening to music, which used to be my favorite thing on earth.
I can't even get myself to cry, I'm not able to shed single tear in comparison to a couple of weeks before, where I cried to hours on end. now I just feel completely lonely despite being sorrounded by people. I feel like everybody's watching me. I'm terrified. this morning I had a panick attack and felt like I was passing out. my chest hurts as if the devil inside me was crushing it between it's hands. i'm constantly dizzy, my stomach cries for food but my body refuses solids. my head feels like exploding for all of the failed attempts of finding my carotids.
is this building tall enough? would this point hold my weight? should I just swallow all of the pills I have left and hope for the best? is it as easy as calling to the suicide hotline? or as stabbing myself and pray not to be found? those are questions I ask myself on an infinite loop to the point of exhaustion.
all of my recent and suggested tabs are SS related, and my research has only lead me to buy my rope por PHS.
I wish I wasn't such a coward and could end it all, not only being too miserable to do anything. I've tried to mask it with the excuse of leaving a explicit suicide note which clarifies my final statr of mind as a last favor to my family but truth be told, I might just be a fucking faint-hearted.
I hope to close my eyes and never wake up. but every morning I unfortunately do to repeat it all every single day.
I wish I could just CTB. I'm exhausted. I don't want this anymore.
meds no longer seem to work and suddenly a lot of effort to keep taking. the voices in my head are getting louder and the only thing that seems to help is a couple of sleeping pills a day which i'm running out of.
nothing seems exciting anymore, not even dumbscrolling on tiktok, not even listening to music, which used to be my favorite thing on earth.
I can't even get myself to cry, I'm not able to shed single tear in comparison to a couple of weeks before, where I cried to hours on end. now I just feel completely lonely despite being sorrounded by people. I feel like everybody's watching me. I'm terrified. this morning I had a panick attack and felt like I was passing out. my chest hurts as if the devil inside me was crushing it between it's hands. i'm constantly dizzy, my stomach cries for food but my body refuses solids. my head feels like exploding for all of the failed attempts of finding my carotids.
is this building tall enough? would this point hold my weight? should I just swallow all of the pills I have left and hope for the best? is it as easy as calling to the suicide hotline? or as stabbing myself and pray not to be found? those are questions I ask myself on an infinite loop to the point of exhaustion.
all of my recent and suggested tabs are SS related, and my research has only lead me to buy my rope por PHS.
I wish I wasn't such a coward and could end it all, not only being too miserable to do anything. I've tried to mask it with the excuse of leaving a explicit suicide note which clarifies my final statr of mind as a last favor to my family but truth be told, I might just be a fucking faint-hearted.
I hope to close my eyes and never wake up. but every morning I unfortunately do to repeat it all every single day.
I wish I could just CTB. I'm exhausted. I don't want this anymore.
