hypnotizing chickens
εκφυλισμένος εκφυλισμός
- Aug 24, 2020
- 34
I have been thrashing this flesh prison since I was 17?18?19?. Gradually more so as the years have passed and I've shed the small amount of lingering hope of an idealistic teenager detached from reality. The more time you spend detatched from reality, the harder it hits when you fall down from the clouds. My spirit is a caged wild dog gnawing at iron bars, its mouth bloody from a hopeless yet persistent determination to be free.
I am an idiot. No, not for this wish. But this wish has manifested itself in such careless and nonsensical decisions. Maybe it's the dissociation.
When I finally figured out that my soon-to-be wife had HIV, it was a little to late. I acted upset for a short period of time, but I realized that I was only acting. Of course I had to act that way, because....well,... isn't it rational to be upset that someone might have carelessly infected you? This is when I realized that i honestly was done with life. I didnt really, honestly care. Not one bit. Plus....she didnt speak english anyway and google translate can only do so much, so i couldn't be mad at her. I was drinking too much ever since I met her two weeks earlier to really think about what those pills were she was giving me daily were for...
It's been a year and a half since I spoke to her and a couple months away from two years since I left. I never got tested. I really dont care to know. Maybe the medication worked but she's not the only one I had unprotected sex with in the land of smiles and my immune system was certainly compromised from the daily drink and heavy drug use.
When I got back home, it was quite a sobering experience. It was as if I just woke up from a dream. None of it seemed real, but I was overwhelmed with a feeling of foolishness and guilt. Not just for the past 3 months, but for my whole life. Every. Single. Memory. That I have, makes me cringe. Every word ive said and action I've taken. I fucking hate myself with such a passion it's disgusting. So i took to using meth daily. I told myself it would speed up the virus aha
I could keep going but this is long enough and as is not for my memoirs. I quit smoking meth, and while I do feel closer to death, I don't feel close enough. I think I gave myself kidney disease and my mental state is at the point where I am unable to work without meth. Now I'm in limbo it seems. My lungs, my heart, my kidneys, my liver....they are all quite damaged but very resilient, but my brain.... I just cant take much anymore.
I am an idiot. No, not for this wish. But this wish has manifested itself in such careless and nonsensical decisions. Maybe it's the dissociation.
When I finally figured out that my soon-to-be wife had HIV, it was a little to late. I acted upset for a short period of time, but I realized that I was only acting. Of course I had to act that way, because....well,... isn't it rational to be upset that someone might have carelessly infected you? This is when I realized that i honestly was done with life. I didnt really, honestly care. Not one bit. Plus....she didnt speak english anyway and google translate can only do so much, so i couldn't be mad at her. I was drinking too much ever since I met her two weeks earlier to really think about what those pills were she was giving me daily were for...
It's been a year and a half since I spoke to her and a couple months away from two years since I left. I never got tested. I really dont care to know. Maybe the medication worked but she's not the only one I had unprotected sex with in the land of smiles and my immune system was certainly compromised from the daily drink and heavy drug use.
When I got back home, it was quite a sobering experience. It was as if I just woke up from a dream. None of it seemed real, but I was overwhelmed with a feeling of foolishness and guilt. Not just for the past 3 months, but for my whole life. Every. Single. Memory. That I have, makes me cringe. Every word ive said and action I've taken. I fucking hate myself with such a passion it's disgusting. So i took to using meth daily. I told myself it would speed up the virus aha
I could keep going but this is long enough and as is not for my memoirs. I quit smoking meth, and while I do feel closer to death, I don't feel close enough. I think I gave myself kidney disease and my mental state is at the point where I am unable to work without meth. Now I'm in limbo it seems. My lungs, my heart, my kidneys, my liver....they are all quite damaged but very resilient, but my brain.... I just cant take much anymore.
