Suicide because of a mental disability and the inability to find a dignified job.

[deflagrat]

I want to know if there are people here in the same situation as me. I have spent most of my life running away from responsibilities, mainly due to several mental health issues. Right now I am "stable", but I don't know if I will be able to stay like that for long.

Here is the thing: The odds are stacked against me. Most people with my illness can't maintain a normal job (as in, a "competitive" job), and most of them who work have been able to do so because they were chosen by social services for that job. There are a lot of people dealing with unemployment in my country, even people without disabilities. I have been able to get disability benefits for now (2 years), but I don't know for how long I will be able to keep the benefits. Just so you know my "benefits" are not enough to be able to live, they barely cover my basic needs. That being said, I still live with my parents and most of my expenses are paid by them. I am 30 years old right now, and I live in Spain.

10-20 % of people with my illness kill themselves, and from those people 75 % of them are men, which means I am at risk of suicide just by having this mental illness. To be honest, they are completely right to think I am at risk, because I have been thinking about killing myself for more than 15 years. The main reason why I didn't do it was because of lack of peaceful methods. Nowadays, it's because I don't want to hurt my parents. I am certain that my life will eventually end by suicide, but the question is WHEN.

Do you understand my reasons to ctb? Am I wrong thinking about suicide because I don't want to be homeless for the rest of my life?

 

[Half_lost]

What mental disability is it? You come across as very intelligent.

 

[Kassender]

I understand.

Given how close i am to taking the step, it wouldnt be right of me to answer as i am really biased.
But im facing the same odds.

I have been let go from my last job in december, and have not been able to find another.
In 4 months tops, im homeless.
I know i wont be able to handle it.

How is it going with your parents?

 

[deflagrat]

What mental disability is it? You come across as very intelligent.

How so? My english is not even that good to be able to come across as "intelligent". Either way, I can't keep a job unless they are aware of my disability and my problems, and that wouldn't be a problem if there were a lot of jobs like that, but there aren't. Also, qualified jobs are out of the question, unless they don't require abstract thinking or mathematics (I am plainly retarded when it comes to these tasks), and there are a lot of people without disabilities that can do that way better than me. I also have mild autism, which makes things worse. I can't drive either because I wouldn't be able to concentrate on the road.

How is it going with your parents?

My parents don't care about my disabilities, and they want to help me as long as they can, to be honest they are the best thing about my life.

 

[terry_a_davis]

Op are you schizophrenic? I am too and i'm unemployed but i'm studying. Do you have symptoms? I hope you dont ctb as it will really hurt your parents.

 

[Jumper]

You're insightful and analytical. You also express yourself well in writing. Not being able to work at a decent job would be especially terrible for you, given your cognitive talents. I'm assuming you have something like schizophrenia/ schizoaffective disorder. Those diseases are truly horrible. I'm sorry.

 

[Suicide_vampire]

I understand what you are saying, I have lifelong mental health issues and am also on the spectrum. I have had many jobs, never longer than 3 years. I'm 47 now. I have had a lot of sick time in previous employment and have normally changed jobs because I felt pushed out because of mental health stuff.
The problem is that I will have no references if I look for a job in the future. I too am on disability benefits for about a year, the worry is I will lose them in the future, I'm in the UK.
Also because of my many jobs employers will see my track record as very varied. On papar I guess I don't look like a good option, even though I'm well qualified.
It's just one of the added pressures of mental illness, that people without it don't see.
Having a mental health diagnosis, is not the end of struggling. It's the start and their are many other hurdles to cross and things that are not easy

 

[deflagrat]

Op are you schizophrenic? I am too and i'm unemployed but i'm studying. Do you have symptoms? I hope you dont ctb as it will really hurt your parents.

It wasn't hard to figure it out. Yes, I have symptoms even with medication (positive and negative), but the worst part about it is the cognitive impairments. Realizing that you will never be able to hold down a job you would want to do is tough.

You're insightful and analytical. You also express yourself well in writing. Not being able to work at a decent job would be especially terrible for you, given your cognitive talents. I'm assuming you have something like schizophrenia/ schizoaffective disorder. Those diseases are truly horrible. I'm sorry.

But I am not, that's the thing. I am very slow and I need a lot of real life time to write, specially if it's in english. I am sorry I don't meet your expectations.

 

[Jumper]

The cognitive problems must be awful. I'm sorry this disease has afflicted you, and I can understand your reasons for CTB. You seem like a kind person, too. ❤❤

 

[terry_a_davis]

It wasn't hard to figure it out. Yes, I have symptoms even with medication (positive and negative), but the worst part about it is the cognitive impairments. Realizing that you will never be able to hold down a job you would want to do is tough.


But I am not, that's the thing. I am very slow and I need a lot of real life time to write, specially if it's in english. I am sorry I don't meet your expectations.

Your typed english is virtually indistinguishable from a native english speaker. Do you speak good english too? Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[deflagrat]

Your typed english is virtually indistinguishable from a native english speaker. Do you speak good english too? Don't be so hard on yourself.

I am terrible at it. When I am trying to write in English I have to delete most of what I write after I realize I am making mistakes (because it's bad written), I can't do that in a conversation... If you listened to me speaking in Spanish you would probably notice my brain struggles to find the right words (hence the ackward pauses).

 

[Death.]

I am terrible at it. When I am trying to write in English I have to delete most of what I write after I realize I am making mistakes (because it's bad written), I can't do that in a conversation... If you listened to me speaking in Spanish you would probably notice my brain struggles to find the right words (hence the ackward pauses).

I'm from an English speaking country and even I can't seem to express myself with as much clarity as you do. You clearly write well so maybe consider poetry/journalism as a career option? These are fairly respectable and dignified careers. Alternatively you may choose to pursue a career involving the translation of Spanish to English? This would work very well with your identified strengths.

I'm autistic too but the way. Fortunately I'm highly functional so I can somewhat "hide" it from society. Only my family and close friends are aware of the real me lol

 

[TeenIdle]

I want to know if there are people here in the same situation as me. I have spent most of my life running away from responsibilities, mainly due to several mental health issues. Right now I am "stable", but I don't know if I will be able to stay like that for long.

Here is the thing: The odds are stacked against me. Most people with my illness can't maintain a normal job (as in, a "competitive" job), and most of them who work have been able to do so because they were chosen by social services for that job. There are a lot of people dealing with unemployment in my country, even people without disabilities. I have been able to get disability benefits for now (2 years), but I don't know for how long I will be able to keep the benefits. Just so you know my "benefits" are not enough to be able to live, they barely cover my basic needs. That being said, I still live with my parents and most of my expenses are paid by them. I am 30 years old right now, and I live in Spain.

10-20 % of people with my illness kill themselves, and from those people 75 % of them are men, which means I am at risk of suicide just by having this mental illness. To be honest, they are completely right to think I am at risk, because I have been thinking about killing myself for more than 15 years. The main reason why I didn't do it was because of lack of peaceful methods. Nowadays, it's because I don't want to hurt my parents. I am certain that my life will eventually end by suicide, but the question is WHEN.

Do you understand my reasons to ctb? Am I wrong thinking about suicide because I don't want to be homeless for the rest of my life?

I'm also from Spain and I understand you so well. It's so hard to keep a job and have a normal life suffering mental health issues... I suffer avoidant personality disorder/social anxiety and depression among other things and for me it's so hard to always come to work, specially since I changed jobs in January... My social anxiety went worse and I had tachycardias and headaches the first weeks, now I feel so uncomfortable here, I wanna quit. This disorder has fuck my life and I can't have a normal life, I started feeling suicidal at 13 and now 10 years later is the same and worse

 

[Alec]

Op are you schizophrenic? I am too and i'm unemployed but i'm studying. Do you have symptoms? I hope you dont ctb as it will really hurt your parents.

Please don't guilt trip people, nobody needs this.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

I can relate. I have like a 10-year gap in my CV/resume and I think the employers won't even bother checking the application after realizing it. I graduated during the last recession and couldn't find a job then and this experience fucked me up mentally even more. I'm on disability too and it's kind of living on the edge, because it's not permanent for me and they could reject my next application when extending it.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I am terrible at it. When I am trying to write in English I have to delete most of what I write after I realize I am making mistakes (because it's bad written), I can't do that in a conversation... If you listened to me speaking in Spanish you would probably notice my brain struggles to find the right words (hence the ackward pauses).

OP I have exactly the same problem, mild selective mutism or something. But I know there's a very intelligent, highly articulate person inside of me because I used to be that way and some days or when inhibited by alcohol he shows himself.

Your English really is indistinguishable from a native speakers. I have a cousin in Cleveland, native speaker, who wrote us a letter of condolences because of the rampant migrant-rape-crisis and assured us that Trump will save Europe from it's downfall lol. You should see his written (!) English

 

[Half_lost]

What mental disability is it? You come across as very intelligent.

The reason I'm wondering is because I've recently been diagnosed with dyspraxia, I often have to rewrite a lot of things I type, and in person I often get tongue tied and struggle to finish my sentences. But I'm at University and it hasn't prevented me from receiving A grades, please don't think you're 'stupid' because of these things, because that's just not the case. You have already proven you are very literate and you speak more coherently than most native English speakers!

 

[deflagrat]

I'm from an English speaking country and even I can't seem to express myself with as much clarity as you do. You clearly write well so maybe consider poetry/journalism as a career option? These are fairly respectable and dignified careers. Alternatively you may choose to pursue a career involving the translation of Spanish to English? This would work very well with your identified strengths.

I'm autistic too but the way. Fortunately I'm highly functional so I can somewhat "hide" it from society. Only my family and close friends are aware of the real me lol

It's possible for me to study English and french for free (it started being free after I was given disability back in 2018), both as a language and as a translator / teacher (4 year university degree). I have been so depressed (and for a long time) and I have had such a hard time dealing with real life problems... I will definitely have a look at it to see if there are job opportunities there.

The reason I'm wondering is because I've recently been diagnosed with dyspraxia, I often have to rewrite a lot of things I type, and in person I often get tongue tied and struggle to finish my sentences. But I'm at University and it hasn't prevented me from receiving A grades, please don't think you're 'stupid' because of these things, because that's just not the case. You have already proven you are very literature and you speak more coherently than most native English speakers!

Maybe you are right and that doesn't mean I suck at everything... When I was talking about abstract thinking I meant things like solving problems where you have to understand and use concepts you would learn in a technical degree (but I can do it if it's easy enough).

Thanks for the encouragement!

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Just out of interest OP, do you also have problems dealing with bureaucracy?

 

[terry_a_davis]

Please don't guilt trip people, nobody needs this.

I'm not guilt tripping OP, he said himself "I don't want to hurt my parents ", read his first post, I'm agreeing with him.

 

[Quarky00]

Yes yes yes yes yes !! Me !!

Give me 2 months to recover and I'll probably won't ctb . Sadly I can barely get a day of peace . Our stories are quite different but when you're at the bottom the system pushes you even further down . Whether you have mental illness or not a disabled person has high chances of spiraling down without family/support . It's just a question of "when" ... And currently getting help from the system causes much distress . It's not about proper assessment but abusing people .

There are many people with MA who can't get a dignified job ..... These days most job require 1h public transport + 9h work + 1h transport . Not really suitable for the disabled , is it ?

THAT WAS NOT THE CASE IN THE 90s. True mental health treatment was horrible , but otherwise benefits were enough and safe , medical treatment was guaranteed, and there were many part-time flexible jobs that paid enough. More disabled people worked, and did not need allowance. Things changed in 2008.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I'm not guilt tripping OP, he said himself "I don't want to hurt my parents ", read his first post, I'm agreeing with him.

It's just a dangerous sentiment, a bad suicide meme is you like. It shouldn't be about the parents; it was their gamble to create a person now they have to deal with it. But if he is truly concerned, loves them and doesn't want to hurt them you're right to bring it up.

 

[s1mplem3]

I live in US and here are a lot of people without a job, homeless and ask for money. And I understand why. Our social services are suck. If you can't find a job on your own and ask the to help, what they do? They gonna pay you up to 400 a month (could be much less depends on your circumstances), first month they pay nothing and force you to visit their job club which is about 5 hours everyday, after that you have to go outside and spend the rest of your day asking for a job and giving your resumes (you must bring at least 3 signs as a proof), and after a month if you have at least 40 resumes and still no job, they start to pay you that few hundred but give you a random job like cleaner or mover and it's full time. So basically they make you to work full time for 300-400$ a month as a slave. How all this people suppose to pay rent, buy food and meds? This is shame for such country as US.

 

[terry_a_davis]

It's just a dangerous sentiment, a bad suicide meme is you like. It shouldn't be about the parents; it was their gamble to create a person now they have to deal with it. But if he is truly concerned, loves them and doesn't want to hurt them you're right to bring it up.

OP's reason not to ctb is the same as mine I know how he feels. I'm not saying it should necessarily stop you, but it's normal to consider how your suicide will effect loved ones.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your plight and your reasons for wanting to CTB are more than valid. The environment and financial situation are indeed big factors contributing to wanting to CTB even for the masses. I understand your reasons for wanting to CTB and whatever you decide on doing, I hope you are able to find peace.

 

[diyCTB]

I have problem understanding what people say to me often. Phrases and small sentences are okay but the longer it goes the harder it is for me to memorize parts of conversation and analyze entire thing. It's like people talking to me and posted of conversation get lost.

I also can't study because of this and it's even harder with languages. I also can't do more than one thing simultaneously. Like doing something while listening. Can't focus on what people try to tell me. I can't drive car (never tried) because due to above problems.

In addition I think I have OCD because I tend to recheck everything I do fearing I missed important details. I have social anxiety too and selective mutism too I think.

When writing I can't write straight and I have to do a lot of editing because I can't convey my thoughts.

Anyone has something similar?

 

[epic]

I want to know if there are people here in the same situation as me. I have spent most of my life running away from responsibilities, mainly due to several mental health issues. Right now I am "stable", but I don't know if I will be able to stay like that for long.

Here is the thing: The odds are stacked against me. Most people with my illness can't maintain a normal job (as in, a "competitive" job), and most of them who work have been able to do so because they were chosen by social services for that job. There are a lot of people dealing with unemployment in my country, even people without disabilities. I have been able to get disability benefits for now (2 years), but I don't know for how long I will be able to keep the benefits. Just so you know my "benefits" are not enough to be able to live, they barely cover my basic needs. That being said, I still live with my parents and most of my expenses are paid by them. I am 30 years old right now, and I live in Spain.

10-20 % of people with my illness kill themselves, and from those people 75 % of them are men, which means I am at risk of suicide just by having this mental illness. To be honest, they are completely right to think I am at risk, because I have been thinking about killing myself for more than 15 years. The main reason why I didn't do it was because of lack of peaceful methods. Nowadays, it's because I don't want to hurt my parents. I am certain that my life will eventually end by suicide, but the question is WHEN.

Do you understand my reasons to ctb? Am I wrong thinking about suicide because I don't want to be homeless for the rest of my life?

You should make a new thread to include your qualifications and your strengths/weaknesses so people can suggest a suitable job for you.
There are plenty of work from home freelancing jobs on sites like upwork. You could give it a go. freehttps://www.upwork.com/freelance-jobs/

 

[deflagrat]

You should make a new thread to include your qualifications and your strengths/weaknesses so people can suggest a suitable job for you.
There are plenty of work from home freelancing jobs on sites like upwork. You could give it a go. freehttps://www.upwork.com/freelance-jobs/

Being a freelancer in Spain is hard, you have to pay a lot of taxes. In fact, this is the main reason why people prefer to find a job instead of becoming a freelancer. That being said, there seems to be a huge amount of translators working for less than 10 dollars / hour in that website, it doesn't seem to be a very realistic option. Maybe being a private tutor would be easier, but I don't know, working in general sounds hard to me.

 

[Alec]

I'm not guilt tripping OP, he said himself "I don't want to hurt my parents ", read his first post, I'm agreeing with him.

I know what the OP said, but that's only their thing and only they have a right to say it. There's no need for you to repeat it because it can make a person feel even worse. And no, the right thing here is not to agree with the person, it's to tell them that we can't live for other people and we have remember that this choice is about us, and while it might bring pain to some people around us, it is not our fault, and it is not something we can control or change, and most definitely it was never our intention to hurt anyone. But at some point we have to do what we believe is right for us, and we can't be responsible for how it affects others.