Venting Suicide because I am fat

[coppervomit]

I am 19 and have been obese for my entire life.

There has not been a moment since I was a small child that I was not fat. I developed an eating addiction when I was very young and since then I have had a number of eating disorders, but the one that has always stuck with me has been binge eating disorder. I rely on food for comfort and happiness. Food isn't just fuel to me; it's my heroin.

Being obese as a child through school is an extremely torturous experience. I don't want to go too far into detail on the events of how I was treated in school, but it definitely helped me down the path toward suicide.

I am an extremely insecure person, not just from my appearance but also my personality. Through disordered eating I managed to get down to slightly overweight in high school and at that point in my life I tried very hard to be attractive and liked. It really brought to the forefront of my mind that I am not only undesirable physically, I also have an unlikeable personality.

I was hospitalized twice during high school for arranging my suicide. I have wanted to kill myself since I was around 10 or 11 when I was being abused by my stepfamily, but it has really culminated in the last year.

The reason why I was spurred to write this post is because I looked at myself in the mirror as opposed to avoiding it as I usually do. It is excruciating to know that you will never be liked or even accepted by those around you. I know I will only find peace when they put my bloated cadaver in a bodybag.

 

[Soulless Angel]

This is hard to read, I know of someone who uses food as a comfort, say's its his only vice, his weight is too high, (not helped by meds)

CTB should always be the last resort, have you thought of other ways to maybe try and gain the confidence, even if you don't want to or can't lose the weight?
Please also don't forget, you will have a distorted view of yourself, and you will see yourself as bigger then you really are, its so hard, and I wish I had better words to reply with, but I don't, but didn't want to read and run.

 

[aneurysm]

I honestly find it disturbing how society thinks that obese people are by choice. It's just like when they tell a depressed person to just be positive.

Truly disturbing and sad.

 

[L951788]

I hear ya. Meds gave me gyno permanently and also stretch marks on my side. Every time I look in the mirror I'm unhappy.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Addiction's awful. I'm still not too sure about the twelve step ideology but I do know I got a lot out of AA meetings when sober. Have you ever looked into Overeaters Anonymous or support groups? Otherwise, I'm just sorry to read this but glad you can share.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Anyone that is actually worth having in your life is going to value you based on who you are as a person; not for your weight. Being overweight is one of those problems that have realistic solutions and are solvable if it's your main reason for wanting to end your life.

 

[MrBlue]

I'm sorry that you are in so much distress over this. As others have said, you'll likely see yourself/feel larger than than you actually are. As someone that used to have disordered eating and still worries alot about how I look, I can definitely relate. You're not alone in feeling unlikable or unaccepted, but you seem like a decent person from your posts. If you ever want to talk, please send me a PM :)

 

[nerve]

I've had a shitty time with food too and have spent my entire life trying to change the way I look to no avail. Maybe I just don't have the willpower and I hate myself for that. I feel stupid and ungainly and ugly and like I'm wasting the life and body given to me. In situations like this sometimes people will say something like "you can either change your situation or accept it" and it seems like I can't do either.

Getting to exit this ugly, traitorous body is one of the things I'm most excited for as far as suicide goes. It's caused me so much pain that I just want to be rid of it and never have to look back.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

A huge problem is that the food manufacturers hire chemists to work in the lab to develop and incorporate additives, chemicals, salts, sugars, fats, and flavors to maximize sales. These substances are highly addictive.

I eat only whole and unprocessed foods, and lost 70 pounds in the process. I've kept the weight off for 12 years, and my BMI is in mid range.

I used to buy huge bags of Dorritos, and I would carefully turn the bag upside down to maximize seasoning consumption. Then, I could not stop until eating the entire bag. Once done, I would use my fingers to get every spec of seasoning off the bottom (top) of the bag.

I would periodically buy three packs of Double Stuffed Oreos and would start eating the first pack the second I left the store and wouldn't stop until all three packs were gone. Friends at work used to get a kick hearing about my Oreo consumption.

These past 10 years on a whole food diet has been great. No more binges. No more out of control cravings. No more addictions to products developed by clever food scientists.

Highly recommend getting off processed foods. Use tons of herbs, spices, and natural seasonings, other than too much salt, to help you baby step away from the toxic, processed, addictive crap being sold as food.

Apparently, studies show over weight individuals usually prefer spicier foods compared to others, so cooking with lots of garlic, onions, and peppers might be a wise step.

With time, your taste buds will adapt, your preferences will change, and your addictions will vanish.

No one on this earth ever loved Big Macs more than I. Now, I oftentimes go to McDonald's for my coffee, and I can sit there for hours seeing others eat with literally zero desire to eat that garbage. Today, I can walk down the cookie isle and see the Oreos without buying any. This took several years to get this point, and if I wasn't mindful to avoid the Oreo section inside the store, I would lapse and grab three packs.

With time, once my body started getting properly nurshied with whole foods, my ravenous appetite vanished.

 

[fishtacos4me]

I can relate @coppervomit. I'm fat and have been my entire life and I'm 51. If there is a diet out there, I have tried it. I lost my money at nutrisystem, my gall bladder at jenny craig, my dignity and sanity with medifast. Mediterranean, Atkins, Paleo, just everything. I have lost weight at times just to put it back on. I can relate to hellish school, too. Even at my age, the cruelty is still with me.
I've been eating mostly organic whole foods for 3 years now - and still fat. In fact I gained 15 pounds last year. I'm 5'6" and weigh 235. The best I've ever done is battle it down to 200. I haven't been under 200 since I was a child.
I'm a short fat transguy - that translates to 'freak.'

Sending you a big fat hug @coppervomit

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Have you tried these @coppervomit ? They worked for me ! Sending you a Hug and my dog sends you a friendly woof :-)

 

[Pluto]

Opposite end of the spectrum here: underweight and no amount of effort changes it.

Firstly it sucks to be denied love because of uncontrollable factors, and secondly it proves that people's 'love' is worthless and shallow anyway.

 

[Canon1]

Why not trying appetite surpresser?

 

[Fish Face]

Addiction's awful. I'm still not too sure about the twelve step ideology but I do know I got a lot out of AA meetings when sober. Have you ever looked into Overeaters Anonymous or support groups? Otherwise, I'm just sorry to read this but glad you can share.

P

A huge problem is that the food manufacturers hire chemists to work in the lab to develop and incorporate additives, chemicals, salts, sugars, fats, and flavors to maximize sales. These substances are highly addictive.

I eat only whole and unprocessed foods, and lost 70 pounds in the process. I've kept the weight off for 12 years, and my BMI is in mid range.

I used to buy huge bags of Dorritos, and I would carefully turn the bag upside down to maximize seasoning consumption. Then, I could not stop until eating the entire bag. Once done, I would use my fingers to get every spec of seasoning off the bottom (top) of the bag.

I would periodically buy three packs of Double Stuffed Oreos and would start eating the first pack the second I left the store and wouldn't stop until all three packs were gone. Friends at work used to get a kick hearing about my Oreo consumption.

These past 10 years on a whole food diet has been great. No more binges. No more out of control cravings. No more addictions to products developed by clever food scientists.

Highly recommend getting off processed foods. Use tons of herbs, spices, and natural seasonings, other than too much salt, to help you baby step away from the toxic, processed, addictive crap being sold as food.

Apparently, studies show over weight individuals usually prefer spicier foods compared to others, so cooking with lots of garlic, onions, and peppers might be a wise step.

With time, your taste buds will adapt, your preferences will change, and your addictions will vanish.

No one on this earth ever loved Big Macs more than I. Now, I oftentimes go to McDonald's for my coffee, and I can sit there for hours seeing others eat with literally zero desire to eat that garbage. Today, I can walk down the cookie isle and see the Oreos without buying any. This took several years to get this point, and if I wasn't mindful to avoid the Oreo section inside the store, I would lapse and grab three packs.

With time, once my body started getting properly nurshied with whole foods, my ravenous appetite vanished.

 

[loopylou]

Why not trying appetite surpresser?

I tried to lose weight for years. Doctor would only prescribe a fat binder which I tried for 3 months knowing it wouldn't do anything as I have low fat content food. Just to prove a point really that my mental health meds slow my
Metabolism down and tell me I'm still hungry even after a decent portion. So I bit the bullet and paid £280 for 5 pens of Saxenda. An injectable appetite suppressant. It's only available on the nhs to people who are diabetic and over weight from that so I know it's safe to use. I have lost 12lbs in 3 weeks from doing nothing different but jab in the morning and I'm eating smaller portions of food. Im
Hoping by the time I'm on pen 5 that I would of shrunk my stomach and had better eating habits
I got a digital Bluetooth scale and I'm 37 and my metabolic age is 42.

 

[WornOutLife]

It was one of my main reasons to be suicidal when I gained weight but thanks to this pandemic, I don't have to be around so many people so now, I just don't give a damn.
However, in spite of not exercising, I haven't been getting fater these months. I hope things stay like this lol.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

my english is bad so I hope someone still understands what I'm trying to say.

I have same story and now I'm plus size woman with eating disorder which is like anorexia. How ironic.

And that's why doctors are going to put me in hospital. Because I'm fat I don't want to eat (still weight don't go down anymore, because my body is mess). If I eat, it's wrong. Eating is something what don't belong to me because my size.

I have tried every diet what I can, and lost weight about 80kg in my life. That's a lot and gradually with weight loss, I became ill with an eating disorder. First I vomited, then I fasted and finally there are more days a week when I don't eat than that I eat ...

Everybody say that eat less than you burn calories, it doesn't work when you eat max 200 calories in day and sometimes 0. Still you can be fat and end to be like me, heart is going to stop and my internal organs are not well.

Still I'm thinking that I'd rather to die than eat normally. I know that's sick way to think, but it's how I feel. I'm so afraid of getting more weight if I eat.

I hate when people think they know what fat people do, how they eat etc. They are so wrong.
This whole dieting culture is so wrong. Everyone has the right to eat and live, regardless of weight. I know that I'm not only one who ends like this and it's sad.