Help Suicide As Back-Stop

[Into The Wild]

Hello everyone,

Today I think I have hit the nail on the head for me and this whole obsession with suicide. Whilst I consider myself in recovery and am taking steps to try and live free of these kind of thoughts; I now know why they happen. I want some advice, if anyone has any or experiences this problem, that could help me. If not then just typing my thoughts really does help me a lot as well. Basically it is this: whenever anything goes wrong that is slightly major, I cannot really handle it and my solution is simple: suicide would solve all my problems.

So, for an example. Tonight...I was seeing the girl I love and I said something stupid in bed that made her stop and think twice. It was just a moment of stupidity and "laddishness" that I know is not really me. I was too focussed on myself and I fucked it up. Suddenly things are a bit awkward and she shuts off for a bit. She then says "it is fine you apologised" but she left to go back to hers cos she has an early start tomorrow (we live close-ish in university accommodation)...But then, once she is gone, my mind starts racing. That I have fucked it up totally and she will never come to see me again (we are in an early dating period I guess)...we have had a few teething problems & she was still here tonight, but I really did fuck it up.

ANYWAY...I am here for a reason typing this...Basically my brain jumps straight to suicide or self-harm (at least) as a solving tool. I get fixated on suicide because fighting those urges means any other problems are not important...I am fighting to live in that mode, which means I can just see any other problem as inconsequential. I've seen this pattern before and it will probably go on for a week or two, hopefully no more.

Does anyone sympathise with this or am I legit cracked? I would not be surprised if it was the case.

Best, as always, ITW.

 

[Pallf]

Generally if I make a social faux pas, which is all the time, my mind immediately jumps to suicide. I think it's because I can't bear the shame

 

[WhiteDespair]

That is kinda me. It took a long time for me to realize that no one makes an issue out of it unless you do and to grit your teeth and push through regardless.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Generally if I make a social faux pas, which is all the time, my mind immediately jumps to suicide. I think it's because I can't bear the shame

This. Or just any faux pas in my life. Ah suicide will fix it.

 

[Soul]

Suicide is my go-to solution, whether I do something disgraceful or lose my way or have to do a hard math problem. I've always thought it's because my mother committed suicide when I was a baby, so I've always seen it as an option people can take any time.

 

[JustLosingMyself]

Same here. All problems pale next to or will be solved by suicide.
It gets problematic as you get older. Eventually you forget to try to solve anything because CTBing anyway; and any life drains down the sinkhole. Everything loses interest, curiosity vanishes, everything is too much effort as I'll be gone soon anyway.
If you can break this habit, do it today rather than tomorrow.