Suicide as an act of self love

[stillweary]

Sometimes I feel like a bit of an odd duck on this forum. It seems like a lot of people here actively hate themselves, which makes me sad. There are a lot of beautiful souls here.

I'm here because, despite the lifelong depression and hallucinations... I actually like myself. I like my interests, the way that I view the world, and even though I'm not exactly a stunner, I like my appearance. I'm here because I know I deserve better than this world, and I know the rest of you do, too.

Suicide would not be an act of self hate for me. It would be an act of self love. I don't understand this bizarre endurance test. Life is like putting your hand on a hot stove, only to have someone say, "Tsk, tsk, I guess you couldn't cope," the second you remove it. Well, no, actually, I probably *could* cope-- but the greatest prize that could come from playing this weird little game is a mangled hand. I value myself more than that.

I don't know what salvation is from a theological standpoint, but I do believe that checking out of this place is a form of salvation. I know many of us deserved better than this, and for me, it's better to check out now while there is still something left to save.

 

[Superdeterminist]

People have different perspectives, their minds tell them different things. Like you, I don't hate myself, rather I feel I deserve better than all of the torments which life throws at us.

 

[yetme]

Believe it or not, but some of us love life and don't want to die. I would trade everything I own, to just go back in time and live my life again, but not making the same mistakes I made.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I see it as the biggest act of self care I can perform. Finally putting myself, my needs and my feelings first.

 

[RedDEE]

I hate and love myself, so I can see it from both perspectives. I want to kill myself out of hate, because I can see the monster inside, and I hate the monster that life has turned me into. At the same time, I want to kill myself out of love, because I can see that deep down I'm an innocent victim of life, and I'm really just a child on the inside. I really just want mercy for myself.

Your right that life is a sick and twisted game. The sick game we're playing is called war. Life = war and conflict. All things exist in a state of opposites - black and white. That's to say, all things exist in a state of opposition. So conflict and war is inherent within the duality of life. Everything is a fight. Every. Single. Thing. The fight I'm facing now is the tug of war between life and death. Death is tugging at me and urging me to kill myself, while life pulling me in the opposite direction and urging me to live.

The thing that is cruel, is that life stops me from killing myself by using pain. I woke up the other day, so happy because I was finally going to kill myself that night. Then the pain started, and the hallucinations and voices. By the end of the day, I was so exhausted by all the pain and hallucinations, that I had no energy left to kill myself. Life doesn't keep me alive by positive reinforcement. Life doesn't say "it's okay buddy, everything will get better" and give me a big hug. Life keeps me alive by beating me down until I'm on the ground, too weak, exhausted, and too scared to kill myself.

And that's the game. It's called torture. You're given two options - 1. Live in a life that you don't want to live or 2. Face your deepest fear, death. I don't want to do either, I don't want to be afraid, and I don't want to live this life. I'm too scared to kill myself - I'm too scared to face that fear. And I'm too exhausted to go on living. So I'm forced to stay stuck in this in-between limbo, where I'm not really living and I can't move on. That's the game, and that's how the devil designed it.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Maybe the only shred of self-love I can show myself is to end my misery.

 

[Alec]

Sometimes I feel like a bit of an odd duck on this forum. It seems like a lot of people here actively hate themselves, which makes me sad. There are a lot of beautiful souls here.

I'm here because, despite the lifelong depression and hallucinations... I actually like myself. I like my interests, the way that I view the world, and even though I'm not exactly a stunner, I like my appearance. I'm here because I know I deserve better than this world, and I know the rest of you do, too.

Suicide would not be an act of self hate for me. It would be an act of self love. I don't understand this bizarre endurance test. Life is like putting your hand on a hot stove, only to have someone say, "Tsk, tsk, I guess you couldn't cope," the second you remove it. Well, no, actually, I probably *could* cope-- but the greatest prize that could come from playing this weird little game is a mangled hand. I value myself more than that.

I don't know what salvation is from a theological standpoint, but I do believe that checking out of this place is a form of salvation. I know many of us deserved better than this, and for me, it's better to check out now while there is still something left to save.

I love the way you think about this. I like a lot of things about myself too, though there are some things that I hate. But suicide for me wouldn't be an act of self hate, it would be because I want to spare myself pain and misery. It would be because the reward of living a life is just not worth it for me and I'm not interested in it so I don't think suffering through life would be worth it in the end. It's the same as with you, I would rather spare myself this misery and pain for something I don't actually even want and something that could never make me feel happy anyway. Suicide for me would be because I deserve better than this life, better than my personal circumstances, better than this world, and also because going through all these things is simply not worth it for me personally.

 

[Ximon]

I'm in both sides. I really like some of my features, i have a good opinion on myself as a human being, i think i'm *better* than the average human being. But i also hate myself for my flaws, for not being able to be a functional human being in the current society.

It's like playing a videogame with a character you know that has some great strengths, but being unable to take advange of them in your context. Trying once and again to learn to take advantage of them and minimize your weakness, and failing once and again and returning to square 1 (or 0, or -1...)
I'm tired and bored to play my character. Call it Learned helplessness.

I dont feel sad or angry about CTB. I feel sad for the people i'd be leaving behind (specially my mother)
I'm afraid of dying (pain, fear) but not afraid of death.
I feel happy thinking about quiting the game.

Yeah, i deserve better.


"Sleep is good, death is better; but of course, the best thing would to have never been born at all."
Heinrich Heine

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i've never thought about suicide in such a way - it's like the ultimate form of self care, almost, because you're ending the pain that has caused you so much misery in the first place.

i mean, i don't exactly love myself either, but i'm not doing suicide because i know i deserve better. in my eyes, i only deserve what i am given. i guess i'm just doing it for selfish reasons, wanting it all to stop and whatnot.

 

[alexit]

Sometimes I feel like a bit of an odd duck on this forum. It seems like a lot of people here actively hate themselves, which makes me sad. There are a lot of beautiful souls here.

I'm here because, despite the lifelong depression and hallucinations... I actually like myself. I like my interests, the way that I view the world, and even though I'm not exactly a stunner, I like my appearance. I'm here because I know I deserve better than this world, and I know the rest of you do, too.

Suicide would not be an act of self hate for me. It would be an act of self love. I don't understand this bizarre endurance test. Life is like putting your hand on a hot stove, only to have someone say, "Tsk, tsk, I guess you couldn't cope," the second you remove it. Well, no, actually, I probably *could* cope-- but the greatest prize that could come from playing this weird little game is a mangled hand. I value myself more than that.

I don't know what salvation is from a theological standpoint, but I do believe that checking out of this place is a form of salvation. I know many of us deserved better than this, and for me, it's better to check out now while there is still something left to save.

Never thought of like that but I agree.

 

[Nymph]

For the me that I am and at my current state I agree but I wish I just didn't have mental health issues. It's probably the cause of most of my problems

 

[Deleted member 19654]

That's certainly an interesting way to look at suicide. I've certainly never thought that way and I didn't think anyone could feel that way. I'm kind of jealous I don't feel that way to be honest.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I agree. I don't hate myself, so ending it all would prevent decades of pointless misery. There really isn't anything self-hating about it but I suppose it really hinges on the context of one's suicide.

 

[tryingtoescape]

For me, it's an act of self care too. The pain of life is too much, so I want to leave. I can't cope, and even if I could, why would I want to go through the torture? The bad far outweighs the good. I don't hate myself (at the moment) either. I just hate life. I like myself, my interests, the way I view the world. If I wasn't physically ill and mentally ill and in constant anguish, I would enjoy the little things life has to offer. But I can't get through life at all because of the intense suffering. I can't cope. And I see no point in trying to cope either. And I've been trying to cope for years, to no avail. I don't see the point and I can't no matter how hard I try. I don't want to fight. I don't want to have my hopes crushed again and again. I don't want to struggle. I don't want to go through this torture. Because it never stops. For me, suicide is an escape from the suffering and an act of self care. A mercy.



I'm not pro-suicide. I believe in many cases, people should try their hardest to stay alive and can improve with therapy, medication, support etc. But in cases where you've been trying for a decade, and nothing works, and things only get worse, I'm only prolonging the suffering. I've been mentally ill and in treatment since I was 10. And then I became physically ill, and that exacerbated my mental illnesses. I was already sensitive to life's hardships and mentally ill. The addition of the physical issues made life unbearable. Suicide is my only way out now.

 

[heraclitus]

Suicide would not be an act of self hate for me. It would be an act of self love. I don't understand this bizarre endurance test. Life is like putting your hand on a hot stove, only to have someone say, "Tsk, tsk, I guess you couldn't cope," the second you remove it. Well, no, actually, I probably *could* cope-- but the greatest prize that could come from playing this weird little game is a mangled hand. I value myself more than that.

I don't know what salvation is from a theological standpoint, but I do believe that checking out of this place is a form of salvation. I know many of us deserved better than this, and for me, it's better to check out now while there is still something left to save.

Suicide - for me - is a rational choice, one of the few available in this insane world. The finality of the transition would be, I think, my salvation.

 

[Deleted-User-0]

I'm in both sides. I really like some of my features, i have a good opinion on myself as a human being, i think i'm *better* than the average human being. But i also hate myself for my flaws, for not being able to be a functional human being in the current society.

It's like playing a videogame with a character you know that has some great strengths, but being unable to take advange of them in your context. Trying once and again to learn to take advantage of them and minimize your weakness, and failing once and again and returning to square 1 (or 0, or -1...)
I'm tired and bored to play my character. Call it Learned helplessness.

I dont feel sad or angry about CTB. I feel sad for the people i'd be leaving behind (specially my mother)
I'm afraid of dying (pain, fear) but not afraid of death.
I feel happy thinking about quiting the game.

Yeah, i deserve better.


"Sleep is good, death is better; but of course, the best thing would to have never been born at all."
Heinrich Heine

Have you read the book "better never to have been" I read the quote you mentioned in that book for the first time.
Funny I also believe in the "game theory" kinda bored with my character in this simulation hoping next one will be more exciting lol

 

[noaccount]

Yes yes yes this. It's always been about self-defense and refusal to participate in my own exploitation.

 

[Emily123]

I agree . Some people think suicide is the result of the depression . Depression exists in the life when the life is going down . But I don't do it because I am dealing with depression . I will do it because my life is not fixable and being alive just gives me more more sadness/pain/failiur . it is simply the end of the game . I will do it because , I don't want to suffer anymore

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

I agree . Some people think suicide is the result of the depression . Depression exists in the life when the life is going down . But I don't do it because I am dealing with depression . I will do it because my life is not fixable and being alive just gives me more more sadness/pain/failiur . it is simply the end of the game . I will do it because , I don't want to suffer anymore

I can take over your text for myself without changing it.

I call it balance suicide

 

[woxihuanni]

It is enraging when somebody tells me I don't love myself. Just as you say, I love myself quite well. My resilience, hopeless hope, constant contribution to life are a reflection of both self-love and love of life. Since despite all of that I am not allowed to have the basics of life, It is the kindest thing I can do for myself to release myself. But you know why we cannot say this? Because accepting that the problem may not lie inside me but that circumstances might leave us helpless where the only thing there is is a burning stove to put our hands to, is scary. People are herded by the belief that if you love yourself, it will magically make your shitty life better. It won't.

Out of billions of people, only those with no intellectual capacity to speak of or the ones that are privileged have a chance to enjoy life. By privileged I don't mean a lot of money, etc. either. Look at all these people who have issues but also supportive spouses who fascinatingly love them, though they get no use out of them. That is a privilege, too. For some, it is not enough. For me, little is enough and I don't have that. It breaks my heart how I struggle and how everything I produce is stolen from me.

 

[TAW122]

I don't necessarily love life myself and I don't like existence. However, I've just went from wanting to die soon to postponing it, but at some point in the future, CTB is inevitable for me given the right circumstances and time. It is not a matter of "if" but "when" I will CTB. I had two occasions in 2019 where I would have absolutely CTB'd had things gone poorly in those two critical times (In March 2019 and October 2019). In hindsight, given how life sucked in 2020 (including the pandemic that we are in now), I would have CTB'd at end of December 2019.

 

[Ximon]

Have you read the book "better never to have been" I read the quote you mentioned in that book for the first time.
Funny I also believe in the "game theory" kinda bored with my character in this simulation hoping next one will be more exciting lol

I haven't read the book itself, but i have read/watched a lot about it and about David Benatar, antinatalism, pessimism and such.
I hope there's not next game. It's a rigged game anyway. I want nothingness.

 

[ExitStageLeft]

I am going to CTB as soon as I get my inheritance. I have plans for a downtown New York hotel, across from Times Square. I will spend two months there - the first month exploring New York City, and the second exploring myself, in the Hope's that there is something to come and that I will have gained from the experience.

I don't believe in reincarnation in a spiritual sense - though I think it's highly likely that the universe repeats itself, and me with it - but if there is such a thing, and it relates somehow to time and place of death, then I think dying in New York will give my spirit ample options to "walk into" another body under better circumstances, as it were. If reincarnation happens and I get a choice in the matter, I will become a Brooklyn musician.

Or at least that's how I'm going to justify my desire for what I take to be a romantic death.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I hate myself so much - most of what I do is just to please other people.

Sometimes I think I failed my attempts to CtB because I thought other people would be mad with me.