Venting Suicide and Sexual Assault. mostly a vent post.

[alienoforces]

i am so fucking tired, and angry, and hurt. at this point it feels like no matter what i do this is just a thing that is bound to happen to me in my life. i was sexually assaulted by someone i considered my friend, by someone who's been so involved in my life for the past year. i am so fucking confused. i am upset. i am scared. why would they do this to me? after i've done so much to help him, to be there, to support him through his hardships. this is what i get in fucking return? this is how he thanks me? after i kept him from being homeless in the dead of fucking winter? after i drove him 45 minutes to and from work every single day for 3 months? after everything i have done? I was raped. this happened about a week ago now. i dont really know what to do, or how to proceed, and even worse, i think i'm going to be pregnant. what the fuck am i going to do? i'm 19. i cannot be a parent. i cannot take care of another life let alone my fucking own apparently. all i want is a normal friend. all i want is someone who wont hurt me. i have done so fucking much for this person and without a fucking thought. this. i don't even have anyone i can talk to about this reliably. the last time i was sexually assaulted in february everyone fucking blamed me for it. what if that happens again? i cant talk to my mom about it. even if she knows its not my fault she'll still be angry. i should have been more careful. i should have kept my guard up. i had him over because he made me feels safe. i had him over because my roommate was on a trip and i didnt want to be alone. i had him over so i wouldnt be afraid in my own home. and look where the fuck that got me. i trusted someone enough, i felt safe around this person, and as soon as my guard is down i am fucking taken advantage of. AGAIN.
abortion is still legal in the state over from mine. i'm a broke young adult with no insurance in america so somehow i'll have to pay out of pocket for it but either way it will be done. i cannot do this. i cannot be a parent, much less to an unwanted child. i'm so afraid that if for some reason i do decide to keep it i'll be a horrible fucking mom. how can i raise and cherish something that brings me so much pain? how can i live with the reminder of what happened for the rest of my life? i cannot do it. i cannot do that to it or me. there is hope that this isnt the case, that i'm not actually pregnant, especially with how low cause i even am for pregnancy. but im not on birth control, and it was unprotected. if i cant get an abortion i will probably just end up killing myself. if i'm being realistic, those are my only two options. im just scared. im tired and scared and i have nobody i can go to about this. i am alone and this is probably the most terrifying and isolating experience i have ever had. holy shit. even as i type this i cannot stop fucking crying.
my whole life i have been sexually abused. in childhood, in my teenage years, and even now. it's a constant in my life that im afraid wont ever go away no matter how hard i fucking try to stop it. i dont even like sex. i dont even want anyone to touch me or look at me. i already struggle with physical touch in any fucking form. every single day i think about killing myself. every single day i contemplate when would be the right time. If this is what my life is going to be like, this is not a life i would even consider living. and truly, this is not something i would wish on anybody. this has become my own living hell and i'm not sure how much more i can take.

 

[deomlez]

First I hear you and I trust you. This type of men think we are theirs, these porks. You don t deserve it, nobody does. It is not your fault. It is his fault.
Your decision about a potential pregnancy is also yours, your body, your life, your choice.
You are not alone.

 

[SexyIncél]

I'm sorry & angry to hear that. If you don't mind me saying, all those enablers are complicit in these attacks against you. I see it all the time, all the onlookers who do virtually nothing — or worse. They enable attackers to do such things — a crucial part of the bully-enabler-victim system

No, they should be fighting for you!

You just acted according to basic human decency and morals, and got punished yet again for it. No wonder why great people quit. You had so little to give, yet you gave it. You did a wonderful & incredible thing, with real backbone... and I hope you're soon in a position of some power & defense

What really sucks is that it's so hard to help people unless you're basically secure & even wealthy

 

[FuneralCry]

That really is so horrible what you have to endure, it disgusts me how humans create so much suffering in this hellish world. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[FeyB]

I'm sorry and angry just reading that.
You deserve none of the shit you are going through and it's criminal to think that someone would blame you for being assaulted.
Imo CBT isn't the answer especially cause it's none on your fault but completely of that subhuman that raped you. I know it will be hard but I wish you would do anything in your power to make that bastard pay for it, and anyone that does such cruel acts.

May you find the strenght to go through this and get the best life cause you deserve it

 

[deomlez]

OP how are you today ?