Venting Suicidality & Trauma ruin relationships and the ability to really be connected. (Longish post)

[Livingvsdying25]

I needa express my thoughts to my friend but it's not just my trauma response. Im generally uncomfortable about the discord group for supporting me that my friends made... I don't feel like I really talk to the 3 other people enough for them to be getting updates & tryna figure out supports for me/needing a chat... if thats the purpose.

Like 2 of em haven't talked to in like almost 2 months?? That's just weird. Plus I'm not like actually engaging about anything regarding my own supports with em. It just makes me uncomfortable tbh.

I feel like at this point if I had to guess it's more so turned into a support for my friend. Which fair. Im a heavy person.

It makes me not wanna talk to em about anything tbh tho. I will communicate some things / my own feels & hear it out but im not... that trusting of hearing the full truth... my own trauma but also human nature is to get tired, annoyed etc etc...

Also I feel a shift with my friend and it's like the same shit with my worker talking to my bro about supporting me better but him not wanting to have any discussion like you can't apply certain ways of dealing or supporting without consulting the person. I am able to kno what I need and how I'd like to be treated. Like background talk but nothing direct and that REALLY bothers me. I'm gonna tell my brother that too. I expected a convo. I don't care about what exactly was said but how do u have no questions, nothing to go over etc. Like you can't have someone tell you what I need... I feel like my whole life has been this shit. Im able to communicate but it changes when in different states due to like selective mutism type of thing...

I don't like the concept of people passing over me instead of just talking to me. That's the exact feeling I've been getting lately.

I get the sense that to them it looks like I have so many options and im not doing anything. Not a lot of people understand freeze response and tbh most are understanding in the beginning but get tired bc it just looks like purposeful lack of effort in things...


I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore tbh. I don't really feel heard, understood and for awhile I've been noticing a shift in things. So, tbh... I'm not giving up anything or anyone but I'm kinda over it. I will discuss some of these thoughts and such with my friend but have a feeling she'll just feed me "its care/for u/to help" type bullshit like passing over and not saying anything per say.


Tbh it's kinda relieving to realize this... been wanting to possibly address some shifts and things im noticing & discuss but wasn't sure wtf per say to say?

Being suicidal changes relationships and imo just ruins them. People will say they are there and things are ok & it doesn't change the love or whatever but it does.

Compassion fatigue. Fatigue from the stress of interacting with someone in crisis. Many many aspects.


Honestly... I don't want any relationships anymore. I want to let this world go. I've been noticing for awhile now anyway but it's too late at least to me. Things feel ruined and I feel like I need to get to a wellness that I cannot get to for awhile for it to go back to before.


It's like when people get tired of the constant issues but for whatever reason wanna stay being "there" but barly. The deep connections I used to feel is just... not there.

Myself and my health issues have destroyed lots of connections. Im still learning how to deal and its a fucking mess. Im a mess.

I really hate the concept of being loved from a distance and I've experienced that in the past. It's super painful.


I knew I should've stayed isolated and that I wasn't healed enough to have any relations.

CPTSD alone just makes my life a tumultuous ride. Not perfect and far from it but I'm jist learning a lot of things/ being afforded the space & right of certain things like regulating emotions for example or taking care of my health. Its like im really only about 2 yrs old or so in the sense of living.


Have relationships only to fall and fall and fall like I have now and ruin the closeness and such. Usually I'd feel like a bag of dirt but I'm able to have some compassion for myself rn.

But I'm also just extra for sure done with living.

It's gonna be some cunning effort but I'm going to be dead by this time next yr. Im giving myself a year. This is my last summer & im glad I fucking hate summer.


Anyway this was just some reflection/ realizations...

Im done. I've watched all of my life fall from me this yr. I had like not even a full yr of some kinda balanced life/wellness. I was living, enjoying, laughing, etc. I'm basically at the place I was before I moved just more aware, less dissociated and a bunch of other differences but the suicidality is the same. The lack of stability is the same.

I'm done. I don't wanna watch my life slip from me while im grasping at straws. I don't wanna keep having these horrible times of emotional flashbacks and trauma stuff over and over again. Like its 1000% can get worse than this and I'm done now...


Gonna outline a very basic lifestyle for myself that keeps me going enough... but not gonna engage too much. Isolation might hurt me but at this point its hurting me to stay engaged

Trauma is awful. Theres a need for connections but a constant barrier in many forms that can stop one from that.... I thought I had healed a lot of this stuff. I have but I've been sinking. I can't expect myself to be really anything I actually am when I'm drowning & fighting the desire to kill myself.


My life is in ruins and I am way too tired to pick up the pieces and its an aspect of freeze response but having someone help with the pieces is important. I am losing those.

Tbh I can't really pretend much so I think ima just... isolate. I think im ready to give up my dreams and I guess they will be fine running the peer support network. Everytime I've even tried to engage with doing some work with my friend the last 2 week's been minimal. For whatever her reasons may be. Could be she thinks I'm not in the right headspace could be she just doesn't wanna collaborate anymore.

I'm... disheartened to realize I've slowly been watching people give up on me in ways.

Yeah... I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore at all. I'd hate myself but what's the point tbh. Im still learning, trying, acknowledging, seeing etc. But also recognizing how fucking severe trauma is. How much it cloaks everything. Plus other issues.

Honestly... shall check with MAID. See how long it would take but waiting a whole yr when I don't feel like engaging and the world is like slipping from me... hmm. Yeahh lemme start to look at SN.


The sooner the better. I'm sick of my tainting self upon the world. I'm sick of living with so much. Trying so much. Being overwelmed so much. & then not being able to be myself or anything other than trauma...

Thought I healed enough / started to but honestly this yr has just been... like I don't understand how things keep getting worse??? I've literally been doing all the things... ugh..

Life is shit honestly. I'm not gonna try too hard with anything. I'm gonna weigh my method options. The less I do tbh the better my body & brain will feel so. Will be able to like actually plan and execute if a more difficult method is needed.

Sighhhsss... rambles but I'm so disappointed in everything. Yeah I can live, grow, change etc etc but I may never get back to that connection level and tbh I just...

The idea of just spending time with myself when I am not hating myself completely sounds nice these days.

If anything... getting a cat, engaging in online groups but not getting too close, and whatever whatever at home sounds ok enough... but not for too long.

The interpersonal aspects hurt and stress me out. Its like another aspect of healing, trauma, coping, changing etc etc. Relationship struggles is an aspect of CPTSD anyway so.

Rushing my suicide to next month would be perfect. Noticing how many aspects of my healing & life has been destroyed in just like 6 months is discouraging to say the least.

 

[PeterThePizzaGuy55]

Very relatable post. Me having suicidal ideation has really made it tough to socialize. And it seems like most people just don't want the stress of hanging out with someone who's mentally ill/unwell. But like good friends who understand trauma would get that you can't just automatically be really open to them and all. And that annoyance or anger are normal reactions. I myself lash out with anger a lot irl as a "barrier" to keep my emotions safe[at least that's what a therapist told me].
Besides that, i hate when people act like they know what's best for you or speak behind your back as if you're some sort of odd patient. Sucks you gotta deal with that. Glad you're gonna bring it up to your brother. I know you said you're planning the SN and all but If you change your mind I do hope you can continue on that good path you had going

 

[MrDarkness]

I hate it when people talk about getting me help or caring about and yet they don't say anything to the last min, I could cut my wrists cut my face etc and then they finally notice, I've always liked death in a way, I still want to die but also live. Maybe it does get better or it doesn't, I'm still gonna buy sn and save it for when I need it. I hope your able to get better bro, I still remember that positive post where you sounded like life was getting good, maybe you need some time alone to find who you really are, learn some stuff I know it's hard when you have no energy but if you devote yourself to something you will find peace

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Very relatable post. Me having suicidal ideation has really made it tough to socialize. And it seems like most people just don't want the stress of hanging out with someone who's mentally ill/unwell. But like good friends who understand trauma would get that you can't just automatically be really open to them and all. And that annoyance or anger are normal reactions. I myself lash out with anger a lot irl as a "barrier" to keep my emotions safe[at least that's what a therapist told me].
Besides that, i hate when people act like they know what's best for you or speak behind your back as if you're some sort of odd patient. Sucks you gotta deal with that. Glad you're gonna bring it up to your brother. I know you said you're planning the SN and all but If you change your mind I do hope you can continue on that good path you had going

Thnx for this reply. Im lucky bc my friends have been very understanding and get trauma but ik for a fact they stil dont really fully get my trauma? Like the freeze response really isnt talked about enough but im heard/they listen and like no one is gonna understand fully so rn im ok with it. In the past I've def lashed out too. Its a protective thing of like hurting before ya get hurt kinda thing?

These days in tryna instead discuss the feels but have anxiety/trauma around that so it can be hard but its a lil better/getting easier.

And yee I really hate when people try to act like I'm somehow mentally incapable and they know better kinda thing its irritating. Like crisis and dif mental & physical health statss impact buttttt I still know myself ya kno? Im def starting to get those "odd patient" vibes probs less from my friends but def with my family soo im over it.

Sorry you've had to deal with that too

Im def gonna bring it up with him. I couldn't pinpoint what bothered me on like Friday but yeee it's like im not an odd patient and this is my care and if ur tryna support then its a convo that imo should be had plus we always discuss how he wants to be cared for, responded to etc etc so I think it should be an equal thing...

I hope I can continue/ find that good path again too..I feel it in moments and my physical health has been impairing me more than I realize so maybe things can look up.

Thnx again for the comment

I hate it when people talk about getting me help or caring about and yet they don't say anything to the last min, I could cut my wrists cut my face etc and then they finally notice, I've always liked death in a way, I still want to die but also live. Maybe it does get better or it doesn't, I'm still gonna buy sn and save it for when I need it. I hope your able to get better bro, I still remember that positive post where you sounded like life was getting good, maybe you need some time alone to find who you really are, learn some stuff I know it's hard when you have no energy but if you devote yourself to something you will find peace

Yee I don't really like that either bc it just gives off fake concern tbh.

And thats kinda where I am at too. Still like death and the idea and wanna buy things to have if thats the path I choose...

Cause that's the thing I do not know if it gets better or worse and I need options for both.

I was thinking that too not alone time in the sense of isolation but more so just doing whatever I want kinda thing? Engaging in a lot of dif things so its not always the same etc etc...

I'm hoping to find some of that peace in dif ways... its hard bc the health issues drain my energy and the energy to take care of em is all consuming but hopefully the supports can come into place/they have to I don't like not being able to enjoy life.

Thnx for the comment I hope thingd start to look up for you as well