Venting Suicidal while on 'vacation'.

[Circles]

Welp I'm too fucking numb after this. I know long posts don't get much advice so I'm just venting my thoughts out screaming at the dark so to speak. I was hoping something would maybe click in my head and give some hope or something but fuck no as always. I knew I shouldn't have come and now I feel even worse than I did before I left. I can honesty see why most suicides happen around this time especially after seeing all these people having fun and enjoying simple things. I haven't even went to the beach because I can't handle seeing so many people enjoy themselves when I can't even do it. Only went to the pool once and couldn't even bother to get in because I'm too self conscious of how hairy and chubby I am plus I was sketched out over the thought of piss in the pool. So I've been basically in the room for most of the time feeling too debilitated to even bother. I know I may not be the only suicidal person at this beach but it sure feels like it. Plus I believe this may be my last 'vacation' with my mother whether I ctb or she dies before me. So having thoughts like that has overpowered any ability for me to enjoy the moment with her when she's senselessly suffering and plus when we get home she has to work 5 fucking days straight which I'm sure would only make her get more sick or whatever. She sleeps a lot which I've been doing also but it's like what's the point of this 'vacation' when we just switched one place for another just to sleep? I can't help but think of the expression 'no matter where you go, there you are' meaning I can't runaway from my problems. I would go into all the bitching and arguing that my sister did or all the bullshit hassles and little problems that's happened getting here or to the room, but I'm just so fucking done. I cried for over an hour silently last night while they were asleep and now just cried some more again when I woke up and when they left for the beach I tried to hang myself with a bet out of desperation or even thinking of jumping over the balcony even though I know I'd fail and ruin everyone's day. Plus my dreadful birthday is coming up and I'm going to Colorado with my brother for a few days in a couple weeks but I'm sure I'll fuck that up too. And to top it off I have to go back home with my depressing room where I'll be thinking about suicide every day so yep I'm so fucking fucked. I knew nothing would change from already feeling dead inside and it's just made me want to kill myself even more. Please something kill me and end this, but I know can't even have that when it matters most.

Here's some stupid pics atleast, the bars over the balcony makes me think of how trapped I am. Going to cry some more and stare off into oblivion.

 

[SinisterKid]

Saddened to read its not gone very well.

 

[Circles]

Saddened to read its not gone very well.

Yea, Thank you for atleast hearing me out.

 

[pole]

Welp I'm too fucking numb after this. I know long posts don't get much advice so I'm just venting my thoughts out screaming at the dark so to speak. I was hoping something would maybe click in my head and give some hope or something but fuck no as always. I knew I shouldn't have come and now I feel even worse than I did before I left. I can honesty see why most suicides happen around this time especially after seeing all these people having fun and enjoying simple things. I haven't even went to the beach because I can't handle seeing so many people enjoy themselves when I can't even do it. Only went to the pool once and couldn't even bother to get in because I'm too self conscious of how hairy and chubby I am plus I was sketched out over the thought of piss in the pool. So I've been basically in the room for most of the time feeling too debilitated to even bother. I know I may not be the only suicidal person at this beach but it sure feels like it. Plus I believe this may be my last 'vacation' with my mother whether I ctb or she dies before me. So having thoughts like that has overpowered any ability for me to enjoy the moment with her when she's senselessly suffering and plus when we get home she has to work 5 fucking days straight which I'm sure would only make her get more sick or whatever. She sleeps a lot which I've been doing also but it's like what's the point of this 'vacation' when we just switched one place for another just to sleep? I can't help but think of the expression 'no matter where you go, there you are' meaning I can't runaway from my problems. I would go into all the bitching and arguing that my sister did or all the bullshit hassles and little problems that's happened getting here or to the room, but I'm just so fucking done. I cried for over an hour silently last night while they were asleep and now just cried some more again when I woke up and when they left for the beach I tried to hang myself with a bet out of desperation or even thinking of jumping over the balcony even though I know I'd fail and ruin everyone's day. Plus my dreadful birthday is coming up and I'm going to Colorado with my brother for a few days in a couple weeks but I'm sure I'll fuck that up too. And to top it off I have to go back home with my depressing room where I'll be thinking about suicide every day so yep I'm so fucking fucked. I knew nothing would change from already feeling dead inside and it's just made me want to kill myself even more. Please something kill me and end this, but I know can't even have that when it matters most.

Here's some stupid pics atleast, the bars over the balcony makes me think of how trapped I am. Going to cry some more and stare off into oblivion.

sorry about what ur going through, sometimes even the happiest things in life such as vacations for others cant be used as a place to escape for us.

we have sadness living in places where sadness shouldnt live. till we clear our sadness out of those places, only then will be able to think and live without feeling some sort of negativity till then, sadly it goes everywhere we go :(. thats how i feel i guess. hope somehow you can enjoy this vacation and hope things turn around for you.

 

[Icarus]

Is that Destin?

 

[GAKitty]

I hear you. I can actually relate to this somewhat. My experience isn't the exact same (had friends instead of family), but I had the same suicidal thoughts and depression. I was at Disney World and every time I saw a happy family or happy couple, my chest hurt so badly. I felt like I was about to scream it hurt so badly. I've always just wanted a normal relationship and for people to see me as a normal person, but I know that will never be the case. Thanks for sharing, I hope that venting like this helps, because I know for me it can be somewhat therapeutic and good to know there are others out there!

 

[Halo13]

I'm so sorry, Circles. I feel this in my bones because I used to travel so much. No matter where I went, everything went with me and I'd cry in the hotels, too. I can only imagine the anxiety and stress you feel - just looking at those pictures made me shudder from all the people. And the impending doom of doing it all over again for your birthday, no less! Wish I could do more to help. Glad you let it out and vented and I hope it helped, even just a little bit.

 

[Letmego. Please]

So sorry Circles, If i think arsebook is bad enough for seeing other people living their lives, feeling things I've long since forgotten, then your 'holiday' i can understand some of what you are feeling, or more to the point not feeling.

Please rant away whenever you need to, i will always listen/read & offer a ((Hug))

 

[AutumnEmbers]

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through, Circles. You're such a kind soul and don't deserve to be suffering like this. I can relate to some of what you've written here, so I understand your pain. I truly hope that things get better for you.