Venting suicidal thoughts creeping in

[Tsundere]

Hello all! This is my first time posting here. Nice to meet you. I was mostly lurking for the past few days, but I wanted to post tonight for once.
For almost a year, I've been living far away from home as I wanted to escape my sister as my mom unfortunately let her come back to stay and it really fucks me up being around her. She used to physically abuse me for most of my childhood, in addition to me being bullied at school. Not a very pleasant experience to say the least. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was 15 and I would self-harm or take medication to keep it under control, but money has been tight now so I've fallen back to the unhealthy option.
My anxiety been manageable up until now, as next month, I will have to leave where I've been living as the lease will be ending and my roommate and I are going our separate ways (they don't want to room with me again) and there hasn't been good jobs due to the pandemic so I wouldn't be able to afford to live alone.
So then the next and only option would be to go home, but I don't think I'll able to handle being around my sister this time. when I was 15-19 years old, it was fine being at home as my mom had kicked her out so it was only us two. Unexpectedly, I guess her and my mom talked something out and she came back and still lives there to this day.
She would still verbally abuse me and tell me to kill myself before I left home to stay away from her, and my mom dismissed it as sibling squabbling lol.
I just have this dreadful feeling stuck with me, thinking about the day I have to leave and going back to living with someone who made my life a living hell. Lately, thoughts of just ending it seem preferable. :(
Is it too much to ask for a hug? I wish someone would hug me ugh

 

[Lordsudbury]

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story :) we all have our own reason for being here and all are valid. Feel free to rant and talk about any of your feelings and experiences anytime

 

[Ghost2211]

Hello, it's nice to meet you. It must be awful to have to live with your abuser. I'll always listen, and you can always have hugs.

 

[Tsundere]

I appreciate your replies <3 thank you both. I'm always needing hugs. I'm unsure of what'll happen, but I still have a tiny bit of hope for something good. :9

 

[AJ95]

Welcome sorry you're here.

It's okay to have thoughts about suicide, they're normal. Let them in.

 

[Garbage Person]

Welcome, unfortunately. Fortunately, this community is quite alright. Your sister sounds very toxic, sorry that has been part of your life. Would staying at a shelter be an option you would consider?

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry that you have to decide between dying and living with an abusive person. Maybe it's possible that your mom will kick her out again at some point? It's possible that when they "talked it out", this process involved your sister using a sob story of some kind that convinced your mom to let her stay there. Sooner or later, your mom will probably realize that letting her move back in was a bad idea (especially if you go back there). If she was kicked out once, it can happen again.

I really do hope that you can find a way to get through this without dying, but we will always support your decision, no matter what it is. Hugs never seem to be in short supply around here either. We've got a whole warehouse full of them, so you are in a good place.

 

[sadworld]

Welcome to SS Don't give up when you're still having hope! Life could change everyday. At least you have found this place to share your feelings and I will always be there to listen. All virtual hugs in the world for you my friend