Suicidal people work so hard to prevent others from suffering, but we never receive the same dignity

[february in alaska]

This has been genuinely pissing me off tonight.

Over the last few months I have gone through so much internal conflict over hurting people I care about when I CTB. I've done everything I can to plan ahead and make sure I'm mitigating damage where I can, making sure they'll have good memories, writing notes, taking pictures, leaving voice recordings, apologizing, moving the date around.... the only reason I even hesitate now is because I don't want to hurt anyone else. Hell, the reason I didn't CTB ten years ago is because I don't want to hurt them.

But the fact of the matter is I'm the one who ends up suffering more for it. I live for others instead of myself and it doesn't make my life more bearable in the slightest. It feels like I've been stretching myself out over stolen time, trying to force myself to keep going, and I'm finally reaching the breaking point. It's my life, isn't it? The people I care about shouldn't want me to suffer. So why am I the one who has to go through all of this alone, deal with mental illness, plan it all out, die, alone, and I still have to have their grief weighing on my shoulders?

Suicidal people have so much shit to deal with already, but that's not enough, no. We have to worry about how everyone else is going to feel about us killing ourselves. Why is that on us?

Suicide hotlines and support groups and therapists and institutions and psychologists and everyone else will tell me the "right" thing to do is to keep living. That the "right" thing to do is to keep suffering, day after day, to keep being miserable for years to come. So maybe deciding to CTB is selfish and cowardly and immoral and all the things the world says it is, but even if it is, I just don't fucking care anymore.

 

[stxrdustprincex]

honestly i wanna fight whoever says suicide is selfish. it's not. it's selfish of ppl to think that their needs are more important than those of the suicidal person. i think killing yourself and letting yourself finally be at peace is selfless, and so is letting a suffering person do what they need to do. this doesn't apply to everyone, but if you're absolutely certain you don't want to go on, i do genuinely believe that letting people go if they're certain is the best thing you can do. no matter how sad i would be if someone i loved killed themselves i also wouldn't want to keep them here against their will in a world that they don't fit into. id rather they be free and at peace, and if dying is the only way to go about that, i would rather they do that than suffer every day in this hellhole of a world. i see suicide as a person's final act of self care.

 

[SuddennSuprizzee]

Honestly i think worrying about how your death affects others is kind of nonsense. Take the Epicurean view on death:
"Death is nothing to us. For when we exist, death is not; and when death is, we are not. It is nothing, then, either to the living or to the dead."
Its pretty similar for the grief caused by suicide, as long as your alive that grief does not exist, and once it exists you are dead. Never is there a moment where you could experience any guilt for causing grief. But i definetly feel it too, even though ive found this seemingly rational argument to disregard it. Dowside of being a living human i guess. I fully blame myselfe for feeling guilty about CTB, i dont blame others for trying to guilt me. Im falling for it, they are just following their natural tendency to avoid being reminded of their mortality.

 

[BlockHammer]

I think one of the reason why therapist and goverment think it's "good" to keep you alive is because they affraid that this's going to set a bad precedent in the future. Like, the affraid if they let one people die of ctb or suicide assisted program, many people who share the same fate will also want to ctb themself, also dont forgot that the goverment want you to pay your taxes as well

About the "precedent" that i said, i think i can understand that, but regardless if they actually want to make this suicidal person feel better, then change the condition that make them feel like this.

 

[SilentSadness]

I think most suicidal people only care about themselves, the same as most pro-lifers. The only suicidal people I see willing to help others have been suffering by themselves for a long time. But it's true that suicidal people are treated especially poorly, I guess it's just human nature to be selfish.

 

[february in alaska]

Honestly i think worrying about how your death affects others is kind of nonsense. Take the Epicurean view on death:
"Death is nothing to us. For when we exist, death is not; and when death is, we are not. It is nothing, then, either to the living or to the dead."
Its pretty similar for the grief caused by suicide, as long as your alive that grief does not exist, and once it exists you are dead. Never is there a moment where you could experience any guilt for causing grief. But i definetly feel it too, even though ive found this seemingly rational argument to disregard it. Dowside of being a living human i guess. I fully blame myselfe for feeling guilty about CTB, i dont blame others for trying to guilt me. Im falling for it, they are just following their natural tendency to avoid being reminded of their mortality.

That's a beautiful quote, I'll have to remember it. I wish we all had some higher level of understanding. Humans, myself absolutely included, just feel so emotional about everything for the wrong reasons. We're all just stupid and tiny and not nearly as significant as we think we are. It would be nicer if we all had already come to peace with that, so we could let things die/live without all the extra pain

I think most suicidal people only care about themselves, the same as most pro-lifers. The only suicidal people I see willing to help others have been suffering by themselves for a long time. But it's true that suicidal people are treated especially poorly, I guess it's just human nature to be selfish.

That's understandable. I really don't think most suicidal people only care about themselves, especially given how many suicidal people have chosen to keep going purely for other people (the number we will never know how high, since I figure a lot of people are miserable in life and keep it to themselves for years or decades). It's just a matter of how much you can take before you can't anymore

And for all I just ranted about them in the original post, I do think a lot of pro-life people have good intentions, or at least, they think they do. Particularly if they're just family members who don't want their loved ones to die. I can understand that, even though I do think it is selfish. I guess you're right in that case, we are all selfish