Venting Suicidal in denial?

[SleepWell]

I am afraid of dying, I am afraid of what's next after death. I am not religious so I think in the end is literally just nothingness, back to without a conscious. Yet every waking moment I've had I've been gravitating to the thought of CTB and every movement moving closer to that becoming a reality. I have ordered SN it's arriving. Today I've started prepping by configuring my email so that it does what I want when my accounts becomes inactive. I feel like I'm suicidal but still I don't want to die. I have these hopes and wants before I CTB but looking closely into them I find it impossible to achieve them. I have no motivation to do anything but prepare to CTB. Even going to work is a drag but I keep going because I need the money for the rest of the CTB supplies. Helpless and lost is what I am. I wish I could just disappear.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think what you said describes the majority of people here. If you want to share, what are your hopes and dreams and what are the main obstacles?

 

[Mimi_]

There's no reason to be afraid, you will only find peace

 

[Yuki K]

I am afraid of dying, I am afraid of what's next after death. I am not religious so I think in the end is literally just nothingness, back to without a conscious. Yet every waking moment I've had I've been gravitating to the thought of CTB and every movement moving closer to that becoming a reality. I have ordered SN it's arriving. Today I've started prepping by configuring my email so that it does what I want when my accounts becomes inactive. I feel like I'm suicidal but still I don't want to die. I have these hopes and wants before I CTB but looking closely into them I find it impossible to achieve them. I have no motivation to do anything but prepare to CTB. Even going to work is a drag but I keep going because I need the money for the rest of the CTB supplies. Helpless and lost is what I am. I wish I could just disappear.

I get where you're coming from. I have a loving family and friends, but upon hearing my ctb they're bound to be devastated and I don't want them to be. They will feel like they're the reason for my ctb but that's absolutely not true. In contrary they're the reason why I'm here, without them I would've ctb a long time ago. I don't really care about what's beyond death as no one really knows. But I'm scared that once I leave, I know I will be free from my suffering but I will also not have been able to fulfill my duties and promises that I've made to other people. And I'm scared after my death I'll be remembered as "that crazy dude", I don't want to remembered at all

 

[SleepWell]

I think what you said describes the majority of people here. If you want to share, what are your hopes and dreams and what are the main obstacles?

Undoubtedly the biggest obstacle would be myself. If I tried I would probably be able to achieve it but I just can't even lift a finger to do so. Second issue is money. I'd like to travel the world explore it's beauty and see it in it's entirety, have a day month or year camping at different places and just run away from perceived problems. I'd like to move out of my current residencies where I am controlled 24/7. The perfect arrangement for me is literally just a small apartment, I'll fill it with plants and adopt a cat, maybe start streaming/Yt and try living off of that. I've had far fetched dreams of trying to help humanity with inventions I come up with but that was little. When I didn't know how the world works.

I get where you're coming from. I have a loving family and friends, but upon hearing my ctb they're bound to be devastated and I don't want them to be. They will feel like they're the reason for my ctb but that's absolutely not true. In contrary they're the reason why I'm here, without them I would've ctb a long time ago. I don't really care about what's beyond death as no one really knows. But I'm scared that once I leave, I know I will be free from my suffering but I will also not have been able to fulfill my duties and promises that I've made to other people. And I'm scared after my death I'll be remembered as "that crazy dude", I don't want to remembered at all

I think my friends would be devastated but it's not like they didn't see it coming. I've stopped complaining to them about my feelings and after my exbestfriend cut me off I realized that I didn't even feel hurt or sad that I lost another important person in my life, this time I just felt nothing. I'm sure that they won't think you're crazy, if they're truly your friends they'd be hurt and conflicted but in the end I think they'll understand. Whatever your decision is I wish you goodluck

 

[FuneralCry]

To me nothingness is the most ideal thing possible, one should never fear death as they cannot be harmed by it, only life is the source of all harm instead and as long as we exist in this horrific world we can suffer to unimaginable extents. So therefore I only fear life, the thought of being gone is the only comfort for me. But anyway I wish you the best, I also just wish to disappear and I guess that after all, only you know when the time is right to exit this world.