Here I am again after being away and actually feeling relatively happy for several months. It seems that I feel rather bad and get suicidal ideation (almost) every november. I guess it has partly to do with the dark and gloom of the season. But I suspect it also has something to do with my birthday being in november. Every time my birthday is coming up I can't help remembering my 17th and 18th birthday. My 17th birthday was the first time ever I considered klling myself. On my 18th birthday I hid in the dark of my room from my flat mate, because I was too embarrassed not to have friends to celebrate my birthday with. Back then I had only 1 close friend, so I couldn't really do anything for my 18th birthday. Ever since I avoided organising anything for my birthday in order to not face the embarrassement of not having enough friends who would celebrate with me, although after turning 18 I have never again be so socially isolated. It just makes me so sad that I always act like my birthday means nothing to me, that I try to avoid others knowing the date so I won't be disappointed by people choosing to ignore it. In the end it still feels weird, if I am around people (for example because I go on holidays with them around my birthday) and they ignore it, because they don't know the date (I also hide it on social media, so I actually do everything I can that noone knows). I know I could celebrate and it would probably be ok. After all friends of mine who have less friends than me still invite their friends for their birthdays and it's all right. But I always choose not to celebrate my birthday, because I don't want anyone to feel pressured to hang out with me, just because it is my birthday. Because I suspect that my friends and my boy-friend don't really like me and so I don't want to force them to be around out of politeness. A couple years back my boy-friend actually completely forgot my birthday once (he was very sorry and he forgets things all the time, but it still felt weird).
Anyway the whole thing always reminds me of the fact that it was actually better, if I didn't exist, because noone would miss me anyway. However, I can't really get myself to ctb as I know that I didn't feel like that just a few weeks back and experience suggests that I will probably feel better in a month or 6 weeks. I mean it's a good thing that usually these horrible feelings don't last more than a month or 2 (at least not during the last 10 years or so). Still, the older I get, the more I question myself, if it wasn't a good idea to have some drugs on hand (i.e. fentanyl plus a stash of benzodiazepines) that would make it easier to act on my suicidal ideation. I mean, I don't have any family and I can't imagine that my friends or my boy-friend would care much, if I wasn't around any more. And now that I'm not young any more I really dread getting old and frail and I also fear that in old age I will be completely isolated, when my boy-friend and my friends die before me. So far my way of coping is just taking lots of drugs during fall. I just hope it doesn't spiral out of control. I don't really know why I even bother to write this, it's mostly just venting I guess. So sorry for bothering you.
Anyway the whole thing always reminds me of the fact that it was actually better, if I didn't exist, because noone would miss me anyway. However, I can't really get myself to ctb as I know that I didn't feel like that just a few weeks back and experience suggests that I will probably feel better in a month or 6 weeks. I mean it's a good thing that usually these horrible feelings don't last more than a month or 2 (at least not during the last 10 years or so). Still, the older I get, the more I question myself, if it wasn't a good idea to have some drugs on hand (i.e. fentanyl plus a stash of benzodiazepines) that would make it easier to act on my suicidal ideation. I mean, I don't have any family and I can't imagine that my friends or my boy-friend would care much, if I wasn't around any more. And now that I'm not young any more I really dread getting old and frail and I also fear that in old age I will be completely isolated, when my boy-friend and my friends die before me. So far my way of coping is just taking lots of drugs during fall. I just hope it doesn't spiral out of control. I don't really know why I even bother to write this, it's mostly just venting I guess. So sorry for bothering you.
