NSFW Suicidal because I'm trans

[NoHalfMeasures]

This post is kinda long, so buckle up.

Here we go. I can't believe I'm suicidal because I'm trans.
Transitioning was one the best decisions I made for myself, because I could finally express myself the way I've felt since I was a child; I felt like a boy. I always knew transitioning wouldn't solve all my problems. It's unrealistic to think that it would. But I never expected that it would make some of my problems worse as time went on.

With that said, I should probably write a little bit about me to give you an idea of my situation. I am FtM, female to male. I was born female and have transitioned to male. After going through counselling, I started taking testosterone injections sometime in late 2017. I did those injections for about 4-5 years until stopping, partially due to health concerns and partially because I did not have access to a doctor anymore at the time who could prescribe the testosterone. I haven't had any surgeries yet for a few reasons. I am lucky that I barely have breasts. Testosterone deepened my voice and gave me facial and body hair, though I keep myself clean-shaven.

I'm stealth (that is, not open about being trans) except for a few close people I've come out to. When I have opened to these close friends, the reactions were typically of shock, not because they had issues with me being trans, but because these people never suspected I was trans and assumed I was male. There were at least two cases where the friends thought I would be transitioning to female.
I am lucky, I suppose, that I pass so flawlessly. I should be grateful. It's a dream for many trans people to pass and go about their life as their preferred gender without having anyone question it. I truly should be grateful.

So, why is that I want to die even though I've transitioned and pass well? Transitioning should have "cured" me from agonizing over the fact I was born a girl.

Well, the heart of the issue lies with what's between my legs, or rather, what isn't there. Ever since I began exploring the idea of being in a relationship, dysmorphia about my genitals reared its head. For a year or so, I thought I was attracted to women because I couldn't bear the though of being close and intimate with a guy, because the guy had everything I wanted and envied.

Fast forward a few years, and I discovered I really liked men. And now I am in a relationship with a guy who is intelligent, funny, and incredibly caring.
He tells me I am the hottest guy he knows. He tells me how gay he is for me.
He tells me he loves every part of me, just how I am.
He tells me I'm the love of his life.

This should be a dream come true, to have such a caring and loving partner.

Now, this might get TMI here for some people. Some Graphic descriptions of sex and genitalia ahead.

But I hate myself. I can't see what my boyfriend sees. He can't see the scope of the pain behind my eyes as I tell him when I'm feeling down and dysphoric. I can't have sex the way gay men have sex. I can't pee standing up without the aid of some sort of device. I will never know what it feels like to have a penis, to have an erection or how it feels to cum with it.
I can't even cum with my boyfriend when we have sex because all my mind is focused on is the fact I don't have a male package, that I'm not a "real man" like he is. I won't ever be like the guys in the images and videos he jerks off to or fantasizes about.

Now, at this point you might be thinking, "NoHalfMeasures, there's surgery that exists that would give you a dick and balls."
Yes, I am aware that the surgery exists, and I'm glad it exists for the people who need it. Truly.

But the surgery isn't advanced enough that I'd consider getting it. It's also a surgery that is at high risk for complications, and even if everything went perfectly, I most likely still wouldn't be satisfied with the function and appearance of it.
I wouldn't have natural erections and the sensation simply wouldn't be the same. The testicles I'd have wouldn't even be properly functional. Not to mention, the idea of taking skin from my forearm or thigh doesn't appeal to me (skin grafting is required for this surgery). I'm also worried of completely destroying the sexual sensation I currently get from my T-dick (enlarged clitoris from taking testosterone).

Now with all this talk about dick, I suppose I should mention that boyfriend has no interest in being penetrated. I don't want to imply that all gay relationship involve adhering to strict "roles" but it helps paint the general picture of the sexual dynamic in my own relationship. I am the "bottom" of this relationship and he is the "top". It's rather humorous to me that I don't want a dick for what most guys use them for: penetrating. I have no interest whatsoever in penetrating another guy. I just want to feel what it's like to stroke it, or to see it get erect, or for other kinky activities such as using chastity cages to keep it locked up.
I want to know what it feels like to be penetrated as a man, by another man.

It's rather pathetic to me that things of sexual nature bring me so much pain. It makes me hate myself even more to realize how often I think about it. Even writing this lengthy post makes me wince, because I can't help but think how much of a freak people will think I am for writing such a phallic-focused jumble of words. It must seem like I fetishize men. But I just wish I had male genitals so bad, not even just for sex. In society's eyes, it would be proof that I'm a man. My family doesn't accept my transition in any way. If I had been born with a penis, I know that's the only way they'd accept me as a man. It hurts so much, knowing there's nothing I can do to change it. Suicide is so appealing, because it is a way out of the mental torment.

Well, I'm not sure what else to add at this point, but what I've covered here is a big reason as to why I'm here on Sasu. I really felt like I needed to get this out there, even if no one reads or sees this mammoth of a post. It might be healthy to spill these words from my brain so they're not bottled up inside all the time.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I relate to a lot of this. I'm AFAB and sometimes feel FTM, sometimes feel FT? and a lot of the time I just don't care a whole lot about gender. Whatever people see, I'll go along with it just to avoid dealing with bullshit, y'know?

I started T shots around 2015 or 2016 and had to stop when covid hit. I never went back on them, but don't really regret that aside from having a monthly bleed again. Some of the changes were permanent, like yours--facial hair, a deeper voice. I do shave as well; I grow facial hair like a 14yo barely into puberty.

I feel the same about surgeries, nothing that current medicine and techniques can do would satisfy me--though I'm happy for people who get surgeries done and feel that it helps them be their true selves. Well, I wouldn't mind getting my tits removed, they are very large--that's a surgery that I think has very good results. I really wish I had been born male, a natural male body is my dream.

Sexually speaking, I don't suffer much, thankfully. I'm aromantic and have been single for 17 years, no desire for a relationship. I'm perfectly happy satisfying myself sexually and thankfully I don't have dysphoria over those parts of myself.

For almost 20 years, I've been writing erotica of various types--yaoi fanfics in my 20s, and currently just original work. I've only written gay and solo male content, I focus so much on the male perspective and male pleasure. I sometimes write pieces that are nothing but a guy jerking off, just to get those fantasies of, "I wish that were me," out of my head. I actually get a lot of comments from cis men that I write amazingly well from a male POV. I've longed to feel those things so strongly that I guess the passion bleeds into my work.

Being trans has nothing do to with my own suicidality, but I 100% understand those who want out of this life due to being trans.

 

[Cubetty]

This post is kinda long, so buckle up.

Here we go. I can't believe I'm suicidal because I'm trans.
Transitioning was one the best decisions I made for myself, because I could finally express myself the way I've felt since I was a child; I felt like a boy. I always knew transitioning wouldn't solve all my problems. It's unrealistic to think that it would. But I never expected that it would make some of my problems worse as time went on.

With that said, I should probably write a little bit about me to give you an idea of my situation. I am FtM, female to male. I was born female and have transitioned to male. After going through counselling, I started taking testosterone injections sometime in late 2017. I did those injections for about 4-5 years until stopping, partially due to health concerns and partially because I did not have access to a doctor anymore at the time who could prescribe the testosterone. I haven't had any surgeries yet for a few reasons. I am lucky that I barely have breasts. Testosterone deepened my voice and gave me facial and body hair, though I keep myself clean-shaven.

I'm stealth (that is, not open about being trans) except for a few close people I've come out to. When I have opened to these close friends, the reactions were typically of shock, not because they had issues with me being trans, but because these people never suspected I was trans and assumed I was male. There were at least two cases where the friends thought I would be transitioning to female.
I am lucky, I suppose, that I pass so flawlessly. I should be grateful. It's a dream for many trans people to pass and go about their life as their preferred gender without having anyone question it. I truly should be grateful.

So, why is that I want to die even though I've transitioned and pass well? Transitioning should have "cured" me from agonizing over the fact I was born a girl.

Well, the heart of the issue lies with what's between my legs, or rather, what isn't there. Ever since I began exploring the idea of being in a relationship, dysmorphia about my genitals reared its head. For a year or so, I thought I was attracted to women because I couldn't bear the though of being close and intimate with a guy, because the guy had everything I wanted and envied.

Fast forward a few years, and I discovered I really liked men. And now I am in a relationship with a guy who is intelligent, funny, and incredibly caring.
He tells me I am the hottest guy he knows. He tells me how gay he is for me.
He tells me he loves every part of me, just how I am.
He tells me I'm the love of his life.

This should be a dream come true, to have such a caring and loving partner.

Now, this might get TMI here for some people. Some Graphic descriptions of sex and genitalia ahead.

But I hate myself. I can't see what my boyfriend sees. He can't see the scope of the pain behind my eyes as I tell him when I'm feeling down and dysphoric. I can't have sex the way gay men have sex. I can't pee standing up without the aid of some sort of device. I will never know what it feels like to have a penis, to have an erection or how it feels to cum with it.
I can't even cum with my boyfriend when we have sex because all my mind is focused on is the fact I don't have a male package, that I'm not a "real man" like he is. I won't ever be like the guys in the images and videos he jerks off to or fantasizes about.

Now, at this point you might be thinking, "NoHalfMeasures, there's surgery that exists that would give you a dick and balls."
Yes, I am aware that the surgery exists, and I'm glad it exists for the people who need it. Truly.

But the surgery isn't advanced enough that I'd consider getting it. It's also a surgery that is at high risk for complications, and even if everything went perfectly, I most likely still wouldn't be satisfied with the function and appearance of it.
I wouldn't have natural erections and the sensation simply wouldn't be the same. The testicles I'd have wouldn't even be properly functional. Not to mention, the idea of taking skin from my forearm or thigh doesn't appeal to me (skin grafting is required for this surgery). I'm also worried of completely destroying the sexual sensation I currently get from my T-dick (enlarged clitoris from taking testosterone).

Now with all this talk about dick, I suppose I should mention that boyfriend has no interest in being penetrated. I don't want to imply that all gay relationship involve adhering to strict "roles" but it helps paint the general picture of the sexual dynamic in my own relationship. I am the "bottom" of this relationship and he is the "top". It's rather humorous to me that I don't want a dick for what most guys use them for: penetrating. I have no interest whatsoever in penetrating another guy. I just want to feel what it's like to stroke it, or to see it get erect, or for other kinky activities such as using chastity cages to keep it locked up.
I want to know what it feels like to be penetrated as a man, by another man.

It's rather pathetic to me that things of sexual nature bring me so much pain. It makes me hate myself even more to realize how often I think about it. Even writing this lengthy post makes me wince, because I can't help but think how much of a freak people will think I am for writing such a phallic-focused jumble of words. It must seem like I fetishize men. But I just wish I had male genitals so bad, not even just for sex. In society's eyes, it would be proof that I'm a man. My family doesn't accept my transition in any way. If I had been born with a penis, I know that's the only way they'd accept me as a man. It hurts so much, knowing there's nothing I can do to change it. Suicide is so appealing, because it is a way out of the mental torment.

Well, I'm not sure what else to add at this point, but what I've covered here is a big reason as to why I'm here on Sasu. I really felt like I needed to get this out there, even if no one reads or sees this mammoth of a post. It might be healthy to spill these words from my brain so they're not bottled up inside all the time.

I'm really sorry, truly. I wish there were a psychiatric medication that could eliminate dysphoria. And more than anything, I don't believe your suffering should be compared to that of other trans people—you are a human being who deserves to enjoy complete well-being. If others don't understand your feelings, that doesn't mean you have to settle for what you have. You have every right in the world to feel bad things, no matter how small they may seem.

On another note, do you think those kinds of thoughts might be compulsive? (I'm absolutely not trying to minimize anything—just maybe trying to find another approach to help.) Maybe it could be treated similarly to how OCD is treated, and that way you wouldn't have to think about something as irreversible as death. Even so, if that's something you're considering, I completely understand and respect it.