I wrote my first suicide note when I was in fifth grade. Now I'm 21, closer to being 22, and it still won't go away. I feel so defective, like I came out of the womb wrong, like a two headed calf or a lamb with no brain. Just an aberration of nature. I have everything I could possibly want, a partner, a dog, a supportive family, an alright job. And sure, things could be better, but I have no right to be as miserable as I am. I am just as miserable as I was as a child, daydreaming about hanging myself off the balcony or getting hit by a bus.
I wish I had never tried to be better and build a life for myself. I wish I had known, or at least admitted to myself, that there's no point. I will never be happy or content like the people around me. I will always actively be in distress. Suicidality is my lot in life. I always imagined myself dead before 18 and now I'm in my twenties and if anything I'm annoyed I didn't go through with it sooner. Now I can't kill myself, because I went and fucked around and built relationships with people in my life who will be affected. Stupid.
Hi sweet
@aiko333
I'm really sorry you're suffering so much ❤
First of all, I welcome you because I didn't see any publications from your registration
I understand your feeling, the regret, the bitterness when we look at our life path, the sadness, the anger, the incomprehension of this suicidal feeling, the despair
I understand and I am sincerely sorry that you are suffering ❤
But reading you, one of the things I feel is the severity with which you talk about yourself, as your self-esteem, which looks all damaged, fragile... I also imagine that you are shy and afraid of rejection as you don't write much...
You are in your words... you give me the impression that you define yourself as a failure... as someone who is destined to be a failure...
Why be so hard on yourself? Because when you were younger you were not tolerated for mistakes? Because people criticised you and you wanted to prove to them that these criticism were not true of you?
The tragedy of it all is that today, something that you consider unsuccessful, you end up perceiving as, "The proof that your life is a failure"....
I understand how you feel, but failure is what brings success, don't you think?
I understand your vision, but your story can't be defined only by severity and failure, don't you think?
Don't you think you've suffered enough as it is sweet
@aiko333 ? ❤
If my assumptions are wrong, I'm sorry, I don't want to say wrong things about you
You have a lot of courage, look how far you've come today, there are failures but of course there are successes. And it's not because something has failed that we will reject you or be ashamed of you. You have qualities, I'm sure, talents too, and flaws but that make you a sensitive, gentle, kind person, I'm sure
❤❤
We love you as you are, for your flaws and qualities and that's what makes you unique❤
About wanting to die, don't blame yourself, it's normal, life is not easy and I think that in your place, many people would have considered the same thing ❤
It's not a shame ❤
Don't be so hard on yourself now, If you wish, don't hesitate to tell us why you're suffering, to write to us
❤
We don't bite haha ❤ (Unless there's some good food lying around)
I hope from the bottom of my heart that things will get better for you ❤ I believe it
You can be proud of yourself, we are and we thank you for showing us your pain ❤
Love ❤❤❤