Discussion Suicidal again, and again, and again, ...

[somniummalum]

Hello guys,

I've been taking a break from this site since some things in my life changed, which gave me some power to hang in there.
Well, lifes been good to me. I have met this cool girl, who is my girlfriend now. Been to some job interviews, maybe I have a chance at working as a barista.

Still, suicidal thoughts started creep up on me slowly. I feel like all my life suicide has never really left my mind, no matter how good I felt, no matter what happens in my life.
Now I'm at a point where I think about it everyday, even when she's next to me, cuddling with me.

It just doesn't leave me, I truly don't want to be part of this world, I never wanted to.

Do any of you have similar experiences with being suicidal?

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

My experience is very similar. My mind might come off the topic of suicide for a while, but it's always in the background. Even when things start to go in a more positive direction for a while, the thought is still lurking. "This isn't permanent. This happiness will end too. You know there's no other path for you. Why even bother?"

 

[alexit]

Hello guys,

I've been taking a break from this site since some things in my life changed, which gave me some power to hang in there.
Well, lifes been good to me. I have met this cool girl, who is my girlfriend now. Been to some job interviews, maybe I have a chance at working as a barista.

Still, suicidal thoughts started creep up on me slowly. I feel like all my life suicide has never really left my mind, no matter how good I felt, no matter what happens in my life.
Now I'm at a point where I think about it everyday, even when she's next to me, cuddling with me.

It just doesn't leave me, I truly don't want to be part of this world, I never wanted to.

Do any of you have similar experiences with being suicidal?

In a word, yes. Things have improved in my life, as well. I attempted the weekend before last and planned to step it up this past weekend. I didn't attempt again because like I said some things improved — more than I thought possible. But today I woke up after a deep sleep and would have honestly been fine with that being my last moment.

So I'm at a crossroads. I'm of two minds.

On one hand, it has become very clear to me this past year that I have clinical depression. I like how Chris Cuomo describe his onset of it by saying, "It's not sadness. It's depression. There's a difference." I firmly have come to believe that depression is a disease, that I have it and that so far it's treatment resistant for me. I have an interview this week with a researcher to be a participant in the clinical study of treatment-resistant depression. I'm going to hope I get in this trial. I am going to give recovery another chance. But I've attempted several times and don't give a fuck about life. I feel that after 30 years of being suicidal I'm at the end of the road. Either things turn around for good and keep me interested enough to keep going or I'm cutting my losses because this shit only keeps getting worse. I've promised myself to guarantee my next attempt will be my last.

 

[mathieu]

Yes, even when things are going well my long term plan is always suicide.

 

[Toobrokentofix]

Completely. Yes! I've been trying really hard to focus on living but every day, multiple times I find myself back there thinking about exiting forever.

 

[Ghost2211]

Yes, I've been passively suicidal since I was a child. There are short periods of recovery, but the thoughts always come back. I'm currently in a semi recovery stage, so no immediate desire.

 

[Shiro20]

Thinking about it makes me feel happy. for now there's nothing positive in my life but if that changes I guess I will still think about it

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I feel this a lot to, like a random high moment might push the suicidal thoughts away but they always creep back. It feels like I need a continuous trickle of exciting moments to want to live, which is hard to sustain.

 

[Cherrypea]

Yes it does seem like the inevitable thing. Yesterday was quite a good day but walking my dog in the evening I was still hoping the strong winds would blow a tree down on me.

 

[LenkaX]

I'm suicidal for the past 16 years. I think of suicide every day.