Method Suffering Alone in Pain

[angrymermaid]

I'm new here. I hope I don't say anything that violates rules/guidelines. Here goes!

It has come to my attention that both Nembutal and Sodium Nitrate are both nearly impossible to obtain. I'm so disappointed. I'd been searching for sources for N or SN for a long time. Now I don't know what method to use to ctb. I was looking at N and SN because it would be aesthetically less horrifying for the person who found me (likely my parents). I do not want to use a firearm or hanging method because I do not want to traumatize anyone too much. My mother's mother hanged herself and my father's first wife jumped from a building. My death will be very difficult for them as it is, and I don't want to expose them to gruesome scenes similar to the ones they've already witnessed.

I don't know that I'm allowed to ask for suggestions, or resources. I don't know that I'm allowed to ask people to PM me about this. Like I said, I'm relatively new to this forum. I had intended to join Exit International, naively thinking I could access some support with this, but I was turned away because I am under 50 years old. The US makes this kind of thing especially difficult. This country really has me up against a wall—I have become too ill to work, so I applied for Social Security Disability. They have rejected my application three times. Even if they do eventually grant me SSDI, the amount they will give me is incredibly small and not nearly enough to live off of. The amount would cover my monthly medical expenses and nothing else. I am not from a wealthy family. I do not know how I will support myself financially for the rest of my life, which is one of the reasons I need to ctb. But because this country takes moral issue with voluntary euthanasia, I cannot find help anywhere, which I fear will force me to utilize a violent and/or unreliable method.

I am a good citizen. I have worked and paid taxes until I was too sick to do so. I have never been arrested. I help my community. I have done my best. I always helped wherever I could. Unfortunately, I am now disabled and I need help. And the government refuses but insist that I remain here. Why must this country force me to remain here, suffering, with little to no access to the resources I require?

I'm frustrated with this government and about my inability to find an effective method that won't leave others too traumatized.

I have several chronic illnesses (none expected to be fatal) and chronic pain. I have access to numerous medications, and I've considered that route for ctb but concluded that it would be too risky, as the success rates for those kind of medical overdoses are very low. Additionally, if I tried it and failed (or "survived"), I might end up losing access to medications that make my illness and pain more bearable.

Ugh.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really wish painless methods are accessible as well, it's so cruel and dreadful how there is no acceptance towards the wish to be permanently free from all suffering, it'd bring me so much peace and relief if Nembutal was an option for me. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope you eventually find what you search for.

 

[wanttodie12345]

I am in the same situation - chronic illness, pain, denied disability that wouldn't be enough to support me. My illnesses aren't considered terminal but they bring incredible suffering. My disabilities and living situation limit access to "reliable" methods, and all I seem to have access to are od with my prescriptions or asphyxiation with a plastic bag, neither of which are considered reliable or peaceful. Plus, as you said, if I tried od and failed I'd lose access to meds that provide a small bit of relief. But with no other options I might have to try. After looking at stories of SN, I'm not sure that's so reliable even if it were accessible. I'm trying really hard to convince myself the overdose statistics are wrong. But I guess if there was a combination that could work we'd know about it because access would get restricted.