I used to think being in college would just magically fix things. I'd have friends, I'd have a clear view of the future I want for myself, and I'd have enough drive to do it all. I thought I'd go to all these club activities, meet all these new people, explore every faucet of the new city I'm in, but I've done nothing.
I don't even know what it was all for anymore, tbh. I was basically a transfer student to my uni-- admitted during spring of freshman year. Already felt like a fucking failure because of that. Everyone else has adjusted since then but I feel like nothing's changed for me. I got in for aerospace then switched to mech then to industrial. Then I got so fucking insecure about that major that I switched back to mech and all I ever feel is apathy for the race car team I'm part of. My uncle keeps texting me all these things about engineering and race cars because this was his dream, being an engineer. It's not mine tho. I just feel like I don't fit in with the people at my school. They all already know each other/find it easy to make new friends. I tried to join the rocket club my first year and left after half a sem. I just felt isolated and alone. I kinda wish I kept going at it but I don't know. I could join back but I left without saying shit so. In the racing team I feel like I'm not really learning anything nor do I have any friends. I chose a team that was 'easy' bc I needed an engineering club for my resume. Surprise, surprise, because I chose the easy team-- I haven't learned shit. I know I should be exploring the other teams but it's already halfway into the semester and I don't even know anymore.
I had this opportunity to do research when I was an industrial major but I quit it since I knew I wasn't doing good at it. It was just doing literature reviews and compiling data so it wasn't interesting nor did I really feel like I was learning anything meaningful-- since I switched back to mech after within a week of the semester. I dropped it even though it was paid. I feel like all I do is quit things when too much effort is involved. All I ever want to do these days is rot in bed and die. Rot in bed, play games, skip classes, whatever.
I guess college was always my goal so once I got here I didn't know what to do. I don't actually care about engineering, it's just what my family pushed me to do ever since I was a kid. And it had to be a specific branch too, because environmental, civil, and industrial are all shit majors with shit pay apparently. Who the fuck knows anymore. Mech is so oversaturated. I won't be able to find a job. I haven't found an internship. I barely learn anything in my clubs. I don't have any friends. I'm so over this.
I don't know why I'm still even here. I was gonna buy a gun a while ago but haven't gotten around to doing it. It just feels like it's really over once I do buy it, which is a scary thought. I just have no motivation to do anything, honestly. I don't care about anything, I don't want to do anything, and I can't even envision myself in the fucking work force anymore. I have no fucking clue why i thought my depression would magically go away once I got here. Sure, this was the college I would tell people was my 'dream' college, but I fucking regret choosing this. I wish I chose another college like one was a t20 that would've paid for everything and now I'm stuck depending on my family to pay for this college. Like it's prestigious, i guess. Not ivy league level but moreso everyone in the region knows abt it and either loves/hates it. but what's the point of going here if i don't even do anything, i'm just kinda existing and going along with my classes. I wanted to escape my family for so long but I got cold feet when my fucking grandma said she'd die if I went out of state.
i don't know if I would've been happy there, but i'm already miserable here. I only really talk to like three people outside of my club thing. One of them for some reason told me she was a trump supporter and 'joked' that therapy is for the weak and you should just pray. The other one acts nice but I'm pretty sure she's a bitch deep down because she was one when she was drunk lmao. Like at some point, I think it becomes annoying when you act like you're the nicest person in the room who's far too 'innocent' since everyone in the fucking room infantilizes you and lets you get away with so much shit. The other one I just don't really care about. Like there's nothing there. I don't trust these people, I don't like these people, and I'm just tired of talking to anyone atp.
i'm supposed to tutor some kids tomorrow so hopefully i don't fuck that up too like everything else in my life.
I don't even know what it was all for anymore, tbh. I was basically a transfer student to my uni-- admitted during spring of freshman year. Already felt like a fucking failure because of that. Everyone else has adjusted since then but I feel like nothing's changed for me. I got in for aerospace then switched to mech then to industrial. Then I got so fucking insecure about that major that I switched back to mech and all I ever feel is apathy for the race car team I'm part of. My uncle keeps texting me all these things about engineering and race cars because this was his dream, being an engineer. It's not mine tho. I just feel like I don't fit in with the people at my school. They all already know each other/find it easy to make new friends. I tried to join the rocket club my first year and left after half a sem. I just felt isolated and alone. I kinda wish I kept going at it but I don't know. I could join back but I left without saying shit so. In the racing team I feel like I'm not really learning anything nor do I have any friends. I chose a team that was 'easy' bc I needed an engineering club for my resume. Surprise, surprise, because I chose the easy team-- I haven't learned shit. I know I should be exploring the other teams but it's already halfway into the semester and I don't even know anymore.
I had this opportunity to do research when I was an industrial major but I quit it since I knew I wasn't doing good at it. It was just doing literature reviews and compiling data so it wasn't interesting nor did I really feel like I was learning anything meaningful-- since I switched back to mech after within a week of the semester. I dropped it even though it was paid. I feel like all I do is quit things when too much effort is involved. All I ever want to do these days is rot in bed and die. Rot in bed, play games, skip classes, whatever.
I guess college was always my goal so once I got here I didn't know what to do. I don't actually care about engineering, it's just what my family pushed me to do ever since I was a kid. And it had to be a specific branch too, because environmental, civil, and industrial are all shit majors with shit pay apparently. Who the fuck knows anymore. Mech is so oversaturated. I won't be able to find a job. I haven't found an internship. I barely learn anything in my clubs. I don't have any friends. I'm so over this.
I don't know why I'm still even here. I was gonna buy a gun a while ago but haven't gotten around to doing it. It just feels like it's really over once I do buy it, which is a scary thought. I just have no motivation to do anything, honestly. I don't care about anything, I don't want to do anything, and I can't even envision myself in the fucking work force anymore. I have no fucking clue why i thought my depression would magically go away once I got here. Sure, this was the college I would tell people was my 'dream' college, but I fucking regret choosing this. I wish I chose another college like one was a t20 that would've paid for everything and now I'm stuck depending on my family to pay for this college. Like it's prestigious, i guess. Not ivy league level but moreso everyone in the region knows abt it and either loves/hates it. but what's the point of going here if i don't even do anything, i'm just kinda existing and going along with my classes. I wanted to escape my family for so long but I got cold feet when my fucking grandma said she'd die if I went out of state.
i don't know if I would've been happy there, but i'm already miserable here. I only really talk to like three people outside of my club thing. One of them for some reason told me she was a trump supporter and 'joked' that therapy is for the weak and you should just pray. The other one acts nice but I'm pretty sure she's a bitch deep down because she was one when she was drunk lmao. Like at some point, I think it becomes annoying when you act like you're the nicest person in the room who's far too 'innocent' since everyone in the fucking room infantilizes you and lets you get away with so much shit. The other one I just don't really care about. Like there's nothing there. I don't trust these people, I don't like these people, and I'm just tired of talking to anyone atp.
i'm supposed to tutor some kids tomorrow so hopefully i don't fuck that up too like everything else in my life.
