Venting Stupid Vent

[SoulWhisperer]

I'll start by saying that games are my life, I am a social inept and have no friends, no girlfriend no best friend and no relationships at all. Everything I have is online and I gave up on anything social for the most part, wasn't made for it. Everyone hurts me to the point I wanted to CTB and my life is no different if not the main cause.

With that in mind, I finally was/am about to reach a dream of mine in a game that I've been trying to obtain since 4 years. It's my time to shine, right? Well, not actually, because I have a time limit on this for it to become true and COINCIDENTALLY I am out of town for 80% of the thing leaving me with a measly UNSURE 48h to fulfill my dream. I don't give a shit about anything I just want to fulfil my stupid goofy dreams because online shit are the only thing keeping me from going literally insane and beating the shit out of anyone that looks at me due to how unhappy I am with my miserable existence.

This goal of mine is something relatively easy to achieve, especially for someone with a brain, like me. However my family is the main obstacle preventing me from doing anything, insulting and abusing me and saying they have, quote on quite "complete control" on all my life aspects for as long as I'll live with them.

By itself my household is the whole reason why I want to CTB in the first place and the reason I suffer from severe depression, but them trying their hardest to cut off all my coping mechanisms is just too much...

I know I'm not okay, but nobody has the right to tell me how I need to live my life when every day is a battle against intrusive thoughts and whatnot.

I so hate them, I so hate them, I hate them so much. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them with all my heart.

When I look at it rationally I'm alone in my life. I have no romantical partner, I'm a virgin. I don't have friends so I need to bottle up everything and vent with my online friends (which I'm thankful for but won't be able to repair me for obvious reasons). I have no goal, no direction just pain. And most of all: I have no family. They all abuse and exploit me, hurt me and refuse to acknowledge that I'm mentally unwell. They don't give a shit about how they feel, they only want me to work for them. I AM POSITIVE that if I were to truly tell them how I feel they wouldn't wait to abandon me. I know they're all toxic fucks deep down, they've demonstrated it a number of times, figures if they would have issues hating the person they always criticised for years for not being "normal" after YOU caused me to lose any interest in living. They're waiting for that and I am tired, tired of their bullshit. Tired of them hurting me. Tired. Tired. Tired. Enough is fucking enough.

I wish I could have a job already to escape them but sadly it's not happening anytime soon... My dream is gonna be crushed and I'll lose yet another sparkle of hope to just cope my life away instead of just praying for survival.

That's all for now... ;(

 

[tenshi天神]

you are capable & worthy, even if you can't see it now. failure isn't defeat, but also, not everything is meant for us. with time, things can & will change. you have the power to create the life you deserve.
I love you. take care.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

20th August 2024 Update:

I fucking hate everything, everyone, everything in existence. I'm always constantly triggered by my family pissing me off, whatever I do is never enough, whatever I do is always wrong, they tell me I am useless, that my existence is worthless, that I'm wasting years of life they asked what did they do wrong to give birth to me. They don't give a fuck about how I feel they don't know I'm depressed they don't know I want to die so badly because I can't fucking stand this stupid world.

It doesn't stop here, of course it doesn't. If it wouldn't I wouldn't feel like this. It's useless, the world outside is too hostile for me. I am too broken for it and it is too cruel for me. No matter what no matter what no matter what no matter what no matter what.

I want to be gone because I too mentally unstable to "be fine" to "be happy" to "fix myself" to do anything that won't cause me pain.

I constantly have mood and identity swings, I fucking can't stand anything anything anything anything. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore I just wanted to put this somewhere...

I hate everyone.

Sorry.

 

[sugarb]

20th August 2024 Update:

I fucking hate everything, everyone, everything in existence. I'm always constantly triggered by my family pissing me off, whatever I do is never enough, whatever I do is always wrong, they tell me I am useless, that my existence is worthless, that I'm wasting years of life they asked what did they do wrong to give birth to me. They don't give a fuck about how I feel they don't know I'm depressed they don't know I want to die so badly because I can't fucking stand this stupid world.

It doesn't stop here, of course it doesn't. If it wouldn't I wouldn't feel like this. It's useless, the world outside is too hostile for me. I am too broken for it and it is too cruel for me. No matter what no matter what no matter what no matter what no matter what.

I want to be gone because I too mentally unstable to "be fine" to "be happy" to "fix myself" to do anything that won't cause me pain.

I constantly have mood and identity swings, I fucking can't stand anything anything anything anything. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore I just wanted to put this somewhere...

I hate everyone.

Sorry.

No worries. I have mood swings and say weird stuff too sometimes. I hope you feel better, friend

It's 5:00 in the morning here now so I'm off to bed but if you need someone to talk to later just hmu

Wish you a nice day

 

[Jeav]

I'm in the same situation, except that I no longer hate myself like before, by not comparing myself to other's

I live in a third-world country. I have a master's degree that barely allows me to survive, but I don't have the material desires that others have. After COVID, I stayed confined at home without looking for work. My parents see me as a failure, but they don't know that I have social phobia, depression, and a constant desire to commit suicide when they discuss my situation.

I also learned not to hate my parents because they had trauma, which they, in turn, projected onto me. I experienced different types of abuse (physical and verbal), but I was able to forgive them simply because they are victims like me.

If I consider suicide, it's because I'm tired of this world, and I believe that the afterlife is much more beautiful than here.

I also accept this situation since I learned many useful things through near-death experiences, and I have come to understand the purpose of my existence here on Earth.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I'm in the same situation, except that I no longer hate myself like before, by not comparing myself to other's

I live in a third-world country. I have a master's degree that barely allows me to survive, but I don't have the material desires that others have. After COVID, I stayed confined at home without looking for work. My parents see me as a failure, but they don't know that I have social phobia, depression, and a constant desire to commit suicide when they discuss my situation.

I also learned not to hate my parents because they had trauma, which they, in turn, projected onto me. I experienced different types of abuse (physical and verbal), but I was able to forgive them simply because they are victims like me.

If I consider suicide, it's because I'm tired of this world, and I believe that the afterlife is much more beautiful than here.

I also accept this situation since I learned many useful things through near-death experiences, and I have come to understand the purpose of my existence here on Earth.

My parents did the same with me but from what they told me they had a pretty normal childhood unlike me, that's why I just can't find reasons to justify them. It just seems like there's hatred inside of their hearts regardless of how much they cover it.
I don't have a job yet and live with my parents, soon I'll have to sort this out and my life will drastically change by that's another chapter.
I also know my purpose in life is to merely have fun, I don't have any greater goal other than simply to have fun. However the hardships of existence are the obstacle and I was born too weak mentally to fight against others to survive.

If I were to CTB it'd definitely be because I was tired of everything as well. But not rather "tired" but exhausted insread. Drained of all I had until nothing would be left.

At the end of the day I am a simple heavily mentally unstable individual that once simply wanted to experience love and love someone, has failed, has been crushed by the world and was reborn as something entirely new. A half monster that doesn't know how to live.

No worries. I have mood swings and say weird stuff too sometimes. I hope you feel better, friend

It's 5:00 in the morning here now so I'm off to bed but if you need someone to talk to later just hmu

Wish you a nice day

I suck at conversations starters and I don't want to be a burden to others, I don't... Know what to do

 

[Jeav]

My parents did the same with me but from what they told me they had a pretty normal childhood unlike me

"They are mistaken; they believe they had a normal childhood, but the trauma goes unnoticed, and negative remarks become the norm for them because they have never known better. For instance, I realized my parents' attitude wasn't normal when I watched vlogs of people who appeared confident, spontaneous, and free from signs of depression. Their relationships with their parents seemed different and touching to me. My mother who have severe OCD never said 'sorry,' 'thank you,' or offered a kind remark.' My life was filled with criticism, constant belittling, and comparisons with my brothers and environment.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

"They are mistaken; they believe they had a normal childhood, but the trauma goes unnoticed, and negative remarks become the norm for them because they have never known better. For instance, I realized my parents' attitude wasn't normal when I watched vlogs of people who appeared confident, spontaneous, and free from signs of depression. Their relationships with their parents seemed different and touching to me. My mother who have severe OCD never said 'sorry,' 'thank you,' or offered a kind remark.' My life was filled with criticism, constant belittling, and comparisons with my brothers and environment.

It's no doubt that their childhoods defined them but their parents are like the typical oldgen folks that have quite old mindsets. After meeting them both and speculating I don't see much that can be compared to my situation. My parents' values of "discipline" and "education" are a split between the older mindsets of "mental health is a construct to sell medicines and make the state richer" and the mindset that realises we live in our current century and technology exists and things changed.

As a result me (who doesn't have a mindset from like 1950) and their values easily conflict and on top of that there's the issue that they're heavily self-intitled and narcissistic about their position in the family, denying and shutting down any opposition or attempt of mine in the past of civil talk. They constantly tell me I'm wrong and that they're right, they tell me that I don't "know what bad parents truly are".

If parents that made me suicidal and depressed aren't bad then what is?... (Of course there's always worse, we all know it, but it's stupid to compare themselves to like killer parents in this context)

After all the years I spent living with them I didn't see any sign of instability outside of narcissistic behaviour and severe anger issues in case of my father. (They've both told each other to kill themselves several times and threatened with divorce but never did to not leave my 3 years old brother alone)

 

[SoulWhisperer]

[Stupid Random Update, Sept 2024]
I don't know what I'm doing I don't know what I'm doing. Time has passed and of course I only felt worse. It always ends up being worse in my life. I feel all the problems coming to haunt me back after years. I wish I could CTB but I don't have the means to and won't be able to for a long time if I want to secure a fucking RELIABLE method. Sure, I could just jump from nearest building here or train, but that's just now something I'd do unless I will reach the point of absolute desperation.

I still hope to not have to resort to dying but my personality seems built against life. I am so terrified of people and everyone that I might literally faint if I'm out alone trying to do anything that involves talking to employees of shops or whatever public worker. I have no support, no anything and I am literally trying to skim through ANYTHING that could help me at the cost of risking to ruin my life permanently. I always hoped for a so-called "saviour" but then I wake up and realize that this is the real world.

A world I despise and I struggle so much to exist in. If I had SN or a gun I would immediately go for it and not have to deal with the hell of problems that's gonna arise soon. The solutions I have are so desperate, ridiculous or unlikely to succeed that I'm going insane as time passes.

It's ironic how pathetic and powerless I am in front of life's challenges. I never agreed to them, I am stuck with them. Everything is pain and the only things that "keep me going" are games and fiction, the only things I had for the past 5 years or more. People are too painful to me, my family is toxic and there's nowhere to turn.

Where am I going to end up? That question sends a chill down my spine and my days are numbered before everything will turn against me all of a sudden.

I am so scared...