Venting stupid brain

[EqualibriumWithin]

i dont get it, i cant think of any reason not to CTB.. the more i think about it the deeper into despair i tend to fall, i feel so alone in this mental hell with no way out, i desperately want an out but i just cant find a way out, i dont want logic or rationale anymore, i just want to disappear. yet at the same time i know ill end up alone if i do so, so i end up stuck at a fucking impasse, leave everyone behind or stay and continue to suffer. i have nothing i can use or anything i can take to fix this hell in my brain, no logic or reasoning works with me anymore. why cant people fucking understand that i just want to fucking die. this forum is the only place i feel like anyone even remotely understands how i feel about all of this, i just dont fucking get it. why cant society just accept that some people arent fit for it and let us die in peace ffs, why do we have to be stopped if its something we are determined to do??? just why???? their logic makes no fucking sense, keep us from doing stuff to ourselves yet going against our own desires? it feels so fucked up and twisted, we have feelings too! but they dont seem to give a fuck about that. its all about keeping us safe in hopes of us being fucking happy later on,

so answer me this, if people are so fucking determined to kill themselves over and over again, only to tell the same people the same things over and over again. doesnt that fucking signal that people dont ACTUALLY want to exist on earth anymore? at what fucking point does "i want to die" and "im going to CTB" actually become something people will accept, its so fucked up and twisted...

 

[Deo volente]

'Society' is not invested in your personal happiness. It cannot accept suicide because it is viewed as the symptom of a diseased mind; a disease which can end in death. It treats this disease like it treats other potentially fatal illnesses; it attempts to stop the progression of the disease in order to recover as much economic productivity from the worker as possible. Regarded this way, hospitals do no exist to improve the lives of patients. They exist to keep workers able to work and to extract value from the sick and old.

It is twisted, as you say, but it seems like you are still in the throes of deep emotional turmoil. I know how intolerable it can be, trust me, but you might find that your feelings will clarify over time. That clarity might be a reasoned determination to terminate your life or it might be something else. In any case, based only on your post, I think you might be well served by patience in going through your emotions. Turning those impasses over in your mind can yield interesting results over time, in my experience. Just try to keep open to other people as you go, even if its through time and space by reading their words.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sometimes I wonder if it's even worse than that to be honest... Living happily ever after is obviously the ideal but I'm not so sure that is a requirement for keeping us alive. When I start complaining to my Dad- he'll tell me that he had it worse- he had to do this or this. It's almost like- well- I accepted it and did it- so- you should too. That's from someone who actually cares! We're all just EXPECTED to live- no matter what. It's a pressure we have put on us by everyone around us. Probably because they don't want to deal with the grief and hassle if we off ourselves early. Plus- they don't want to feel the possible guilt that they could have maybe prevented it.

I intend to struggle on- until my Dad's gone. I'll tread water as best I can but after that- screw this. I hope I have the guts to force quit from this shit show.

 

[Relic]

It treats this disease like it treats other potentially fatal illnesses; it attempts to stop the progression of the disease in order to recover as much economic productivity from the worker as possible. Regarded this way, hospitals do no exist to improve the lives of patients. They exist to keep workers able to work and to extract value from the sick and old.

You remind me of someone who is no longer around.

But yeah. Divided we stand, divided we fall. Life is not about an individual. It may have been, a long time ago, but humanity has been rapidly devolving. Everything is just numbers, and it has proven to be a quite effective manipulation system. Cavemen may have counted their bear hides, days, and maybe even kids, but it could not have looked like that. Unity is the only power certain animals, including humans, have.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly disgusts me how suicide is something that is so unnecessarily difficult for us and how life is seen as something to be prolonged at all costs, if people wish to live then that is fine for them but what gives them the right to force their beliefs onto others. If people just want to die then that is their choice and it should be respected, it's nothing to do with anybody else and they should have no say in it, it could never be justified purposely making suicide so hard for people, such a thing just leads to unnecessary torment.

But I certainly do believe that the option of a peaceful exit is what we deserve after us being so unfairly forced here in the first place, but so many people in this world are blinded by their privileges and delusions to the point that they refuse to see suicide as being a rational solution. It's certainly very unfair how suicide is so stigmatised, as the truth is that some people simply don't wish to exist and wanting to escape from this hellish world is what makes so much sense to me.

 

[Deo volente]

You remind me of someone who is no longer around.

That reads to me like some kind of omen. I just ordered some SN at work today. How fitting.

humanity has been rapidly devolving. Everything is just numbers, and it has proven to be a quite effective manipulation system.

A while back, when I still had the energy to read consistently, I picked up a book called The Shallows by Nicholas Carr. A lot of it is not very applicable but he wrote some really interesting discussion on how technology influences the people who use it such that it is not so clear whether tools are used by human minds or human minds are used by their tools. It fits beautifully with the theory of memetics - some cultural analog of genetics that can reproduce through the human mind - introduced by Richard Dawkins in The Selfish Gene. One can envision any institution (economic, political, social) evolving through the successive generations of people it indoctrinates into itself. Each mind thus becomes to the institution like what a cell is in a human's body.

Anyways thanks for your reply. It made me think.

 

[Relic]

That reads to me like some kind of omen. I just ordered some SN at work today. How fitting.

He just left the forum, the rest is currently unknown.

Human minds are used by their tools. Don't even have to look far, a pocket with a smartphone in it, which begs, blackmails and threatens its pet human for data. To brainwash said human into oblivion and obedience. Just currently the main tools used by humans, are other humans, through the other, experimental tools. While our current technology may seem incredible, and large part of sci-fi from the old days has become a reality, there is still probably a long way to go before humanity is either less ugly, or really ugly to look at.
Institutions have compartmentalized programmable bodies that move according to "1's" and "0's" in their bank accounts. It functions by only the head of the institution seeing the whole picture. As it stands now, "transparency" is still just a one-word marketing attempt and has no meaning in this context. Maybe when the tools take over, it will get better.
Give something to someone, let it become their life, and then threaten to take it all away. This situation, specifically, has poisoned our science. Very few will dare to dissent.

There are billions of solar systems just like ours in the universe, most likely with far more advanced civilizations, yet the attitude has been either, "impossible", or something like "so what, don't care, they don't pay the rent". The "sour grapes" syndrome may well be because our missiles can't yet reach them. It varies between megalomania, arrogance and greed, the dream to live forever, while making biorobots expire when needed.
"The future belongs to us." Yeah, right.

 

[EqualibriumWithin]

He just left the forum, the rest is currently unknown.

Human minds are used by their tools. Don't even have to look far, a pocket with a smartphone in it, which begs, blackmails and threatens its pet human for data. To brainwash said human into oblivion and obedience. Just currently the main tools used by humans, are other humans, through the other, experimental tools. While our current technology may seem incredible, and large part of sci-fi from the old days has become a reality, there is still probably a long way to go before humanity is either less ugly, or really ugly to look at.
Institutions have compartmentalized programmable bodies that move according to "1's" and "0's" in their bank accounts. It functions by only the head of the institution seeing the whole picture. As it stands now, "transparency" is still just a one-word marketing attempt and has no meaning in this context. Maybe when the tools take over, it will get better.
Give something to someone, let it become their life, and then threaten to take it all away. This situation, specifically, has poisoned our science. Very few will dare to dissent.

There are billions of solar systems just like ours in the universe, most likely with far more advanced civilizations, yet the attitude has been either, "impossible", or something like "so what, don't care, they don't pay the rent". The "sour grapes" syndrome may well be because our missiles can't yet reach them. It varies between megalomania, arrogance and greed, the dream to live forever, while making biorobots expire when needed.
"The future belongs to us." Yeah, right.

wont even lie, i love the way you worded that. 100% agree

It is twisted, as you say, but it seems like you are still in the throes of deep emotional turmoil.

an understatement. but its justified..

That clarity might be a reasoned determination to terminate your life or it might be something else. In any case, based only on your post, I think you might be well served by patience in going through your emotions.

i wont even pretend, my patience is gone. im determined to go through with it, my only issue is getting SN since i would prefer using amazon but apparently its impossible to buy there now because of some idiots online, going through DNET seems like a stupid thing to do because of how dumb i am, and since i dont really know any other ways of getting it, im basically stuck at an impasse.

 

[Deo volente]

He just left the forum, the rest is currently unknown.

Human minds are used by their tools. Don't even have to look far, a pocket with a smartphone in it, which begs, blackmails and threatens its pet human for data. To brainwash said human into oblivion and obedience. Just currently the main tools used by humans, are other humans, through the other, experimental tools. While our current technology may seem incredible, and large part of sci-fi from the old days has become a reality, there is still probably a long way to go before humanity is either less ugly, or really ugly to look at.
Institutions have compartmentalized programmable bodies that move according to "1's" and "0's" in their bank accounts. It functions by only the head of the institution seeing the whole picture. As it stands now, "transparency" is still just a one-word marketing attempt and has no meaning in this context. Maybe when the tools take over, it will get better.
Give something to someone, let it become their life, and then threaten to take it all away. This situation, specifically, has poisoned our science. Very few will dare to dissent.

There are billions of solar systems just like ours in the universe, most likely with far more advanced civilizations, yet the attitude has been either, "impossible", or something like "so what, don't care, they don't pay the rent". The "sour grapes" syndrome may well be because our missiles can't yet reach them. It varies between megalomania, arrogance and greed, the dream to live forever, while making biorobots expire when needed.
"The future belongs to us." Yeah, right.

Have you ever worked in science? Just curious. Much of what you say resonates with me. I do wonder where the true dependencies lie, in the end. I can imagine an eventual schism between memetic layers resulting in the extinction of one or another. Perhaps in the future, it will ring true, "But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace." If our present line of technological development proves self-extinguishing, for example.

i wont even pretend, my patience is gone. im determined to go through with it, my only issue is getting SN since i would prefer using amazon but apparently its impossible to buy there now because of some idiots online, going through DNET seems like a stupid thing to do because of how dumb i am, and since i dont really know any other ways of getting it, im basically stuck at an impasse.

I am sorry to hear that things have come to this, but I understand that feeling. There are sources of SN on the clearnet. If you poke around the threads on this forum enough you will get enough hints to find them on google. Or you can post on here more until you can send/receive PMs and then get a link.

This might sounds trite and annoying but I think it's true. So many of the choices we make in our lives really aren't choices at all. So many ideas that are not our own influence every decision we make. Time, other people, our pasts, our emotions, etc... all place demands on us such that true clarity of purpose is a rare and fleeting quality. I just hope that when the time comes you can be sure you are making a real choice and not just enacting a plan out of some sense of obligation. I have been startled, in the past, by a sudden sense that it was not me who was executing my own death, but an idea inside me that I should be killed.

 

[Relic]

Have you ever worked in science? Just curious. Much of what you say resonates with me. I do wonder where the true dependencies lie, in the end. I can imagine an eventual schism between memetic layers resulting in the extinction of one or another. Perhaps in the future, it will ring true, "But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace." If our present line of technological development proves self-extinguishing, for example.

I have not. I was disillusioned relatively early in life.
Just have met people, like a chemist, who had to put his skills to work in some dark basement just to make ends meet, and other bright minds that were treated like trash by their employers. This world, when zoomed out, for some reason the hierarchy resembles an ant's nest (or a beehive), the outer layers are padded with VIP's (very important pawns). Disposable, but still. Does not matter that they have built every single thing Google Earth shows off. It's there, it's done, and they can just f off. In the center of the universe nest, as we no longer have monarchs in power, there are now hundreds of minigods instead, at each other's throats trying to divide the loot... OK, I got carried away.
But the infighting is fierce, this system is plutonic in nature, and it will destroy itself. As does the technology. When people get near a year mark with their phones and computers, these partially or fully self destruct. Same goes for cars, just maybe a bit more time before it disassembles itself.

 

[noalarms]

I think most people find value in life, and have never considered that there are others who struggle to find a reason to live. This doesn't give them the right to impose their view on others. I hope that some day in the future people will realise that a person's life is their own, and a that the decision to end it lies with them, and no one else.

 

[Deo volente]

I have not. I was disillusioned relatively early in life.
Just have met people, like a chemist, who had to put his skills to work in some dark basement just to make ends meet, and other bright minds that were treated like trash by their employers. This world, when zoomed out, for some reason the hierarchy resembles an ant's nest (or a beehive), the outer layers are padded with VIP's (very important pawns). Disposable, but still. Does not matter that they have built every single thing Google Earth shows off. It's there, it's done, and they can just f off. In the center of the universe nest, as we no longer have monarchs in power, there are now hundreds of minigods instead, at each other's throats trying to divide the loot... OK, I got carried away.
But the infighting is fierce, this system is plutonic in nature, and it will destroy itself. As does the technology. When people get near a year mark with their phones and computers, these partially or fully self destruct. Same goes for cars, just maybe a bit more time before it disassembles itself.

Lol, you are so evocative when carried away, I could read it all day. Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts, you have actually helped me to put words to something I am trying to finish.

 

[Relic]

I hope that some day in the future people will realise that a person's life is their own, and a that the decision to end it lies with them, and no one else.

Around some places in EU we can pull the plug, legally. "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out", "Au revoir", and all that good stuff.
I can talk openly with my psych about it. And unless I'm going to set up the rope right there in his room, I'm getting my pills, not the strait-jacket.
I think they either just gave up, because too much work, or someone rational erred into politics.

But the people? Not so sure. The "normies" who have "Property of BlackRock" or something similar burned on their butts won't realize anything that is not on prime time. Not everyone is like that though.

 

[noalarms]

Around some places in EU we can pull the plug, legally. "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out", "Au revoir", and all that good stuff.
I can talk openly with my psych about it. And unless I'm going to set up the rope right there in his room, I'm getting my pills, not the strait-jacket.
I think they either just gave up, because too much work, or someone rational erred into politics.

Even right-to-die organisations object to suicide for those who are young and do not have a severe physical or mental illness. The work they do is important but we still have a long way to go.

 

[Relic]

helped me to put words to something I am trying to finish

Tell me it's not that letter. You haven't been here very long.

 

[releasespieces]

Yep, very frustrating.

I instantly try to understand the ulterior motives of those making the decision that we should live when contemplating such things, that's what interests me. I don't care about other people ending their lives and I can't understand why others would care, except that their reasons must be entirely self serving.

The only thing stopping society from supporting assisted suicide are law makers and physicians.

Governments are interested in keeping the machine running, power and counting their money. Maybe we can create some sort of corrupt kickback for government officials once they allow us the liberty to end our lives.

Physicians have this oath to do no harm. I think this needs to be debated and redefined because making people live with suffering is doing harm, but currently they see suicide as doing harm.

 

[EqualibriumWithin]

The only thing stopping society from supporting assisted suicide are law makers and physicians.

absolutely. and that makes me sick to my stomach knowing how true it really is

Governments are interested in keeping the machine running, power and counting their money. Maybe we can create some sort of corrupt kickback for government officials once they allow us the liberty to end our lives.

hahah.. look, if its money they want then so be it, ill throw whatever amount they want as long as i can go peacefully without pain

Physicians have this oath to do no harm. I think this needs to be debated and redefined because making people live with suffering is doing harm, but currently they see suicide as doing harm.

debated is an understatement, i dont really think you can redefine the definition without ending with conflict within peoples moral compass, since most people deal with hardships to end up in that position a majority of the time anyway. i would personally just throw it straight out the fucking window and replace it with something more generic like "listen, learn, and understand. do not force"