Venting Stuffs

[BBY]

I feel like there is no point in living anymore. Being alive costs so much and I honestly don't know how I could possibly survive. Would I have to work my entire life? Until I can't anymore? I feel like I'll ctb sooner or later so why should I prolong my suffering? I wanna end things so bad but I feel so selfish because I know I'm the only person my cousin can trust with anything. I feel like I'm throwing away our relationship in some way.
Friendships and other kinds of relationships used to bring me joy but now I only feel like it's an exchange of favors.. I do something for them and they do something for me(sometimes). Whenever we get "close" I get the urge to run away because I'm scared they get too attached to me. Every relationship I built ever since I decided I'd ctb just felt so pointless. Will I just be hurting them? Is it worth to offer them happiness while I'm alive I'm just gonna end myself later on and possibly hurt them?
What should I do? Just stop talking to everyone I don't meet irl?? I don't wanna cause trouble for anyone after my passing.

I just wanna cry, scream, tear my skin out, punch the wall and throw myself on the floor until I have no more energy.

I probably lost the point of what I was writing so sorry.



Also, I'm planning on making a bunch of letters to my cousin for life events so I can be there for her in some way (birthdays, first time, heartbreak, marriage, divorce, etc.). What do yall think?

 

[bluebus]

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It is so cruel and unfair. I wish I could alleviate some of your burden. I can definitely relate to some of what you are saying. I used to never like getting too close to someone for any real meaningful amount of time. I was always afraid I would hurt them or they would hurt me. I know now that that was stupid and I should have just let myself be happy. I wish I knew back then what I know now. Anyway sorry for the ramble. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way.
I really love that idea about writing letters for your cousins. It's such a beautiful thing to do and I never would have even thought to do that. I'm sure she would really love that.
Best wishes, and best of luck

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's certainly understandable just wishing to permanently escape from all the suffering that existing brings, existing here really can be so dreadful and I get that it's tiring feeling trapped here. It sounds like a nice idea leaving letters, I wish you the best.