Sad_Autistic_boy_101
When I die, you'll love me.
- Nov 19, 2019
- 453
Hey everyone.
So I was planning to CTB on Friday 13th December. I have everything prepared. But I just feel stuck and I don't know what to do. Everyone says if you are hesitant then wait until you feel sure. I am sure I want to die. Just I don't know if Christmas is a good idea or wait. But if I wait, i'm just prolonging the inevitable. I have no reasons left, my best friend died by suicide and he was always there for me when ever I felt low, he was a father figure to me and a huge rolemodel. I nearly got expelled fron my Autism college and one more mistake and i'm out, My mental health is the worst it's been (I have complex mental health including, PTSD, psychotic depression, anxiety, alcohol dependancy) and Autism and other comorbid conditions. I'm losing my Autism support, I have no friends in person as Autism makes it real difficult, i'm struggling with my trauma from past abuse but no one belives me. If I don't CTB now, and do it in a few months time, then it's just extra weeks of pain. There is just so much pain and no one notices. I can't talk to my therapist about my thoughts as she would just call an ambulence and get me hospitalised. I don't know why I feel bad for my parents, I don't care about them due to past experainces but I don't want to ruin their christmas. My thoughts are just so intense. My therapist knows something is wrong as i'm a terrible liar so I have agreed to have an appointment early Friday afternoon. Just fed up of waking up day in, day out. Just wish I could die in an accident so then it would get it over with. Gah just not sure what to do. Wait till Christmas and birthdays are over and be miserable or CTB on Friday/weekend and be happy but ruin everyone else's christmas's. I don't even know how to deal with grief, I haven't dealt with the death of my friend.
Sorry for such a long rant.
Just feel stuck.
So I was planning to CTB on Friday 13th December. I have everything prepared. But I just feel stuck and I don't know what to do. Everyone says if you are hesitant then wait until you feel sure. I am sure I want to die. Just I don't know if Christmas is a good idea or wait. But if I wait, i'm just prolonging the inevitable. I have no reasons left, my best friend died by suicide and he was always there for me when ever I felt low, he was a father figure to me and a huge rolemodel. I nearly got expelled fron my Autism college and one more mistake and i'm out, My mental health is the worst it's been (I have complex mental health including, PTSD, psychotic depression, anxiety, alcohol dependancy) and Autism and other comorbid conditions. I'm losing my Autism support, I have no friends in person as Autism makes it real difficult, i'm struggling with my trauma from past abuse but no one belives me. If I don't CTB now, and do it in a few months time, then it's just extra weeks of pain. There is just so much pain and no one notices. I can't talk to my therapist about my thoughts as she would just call an ambulence and get me hospitalised. I don't know why I feel bad for my parents, I don't care about them due to past experainces but I don't want to ruin their christmas. My thoughts are just so intense. My therapist knows something is wrong as i'm a terrible liar so I have agreed to have an appointment early Friday afternoon. Just fed up of waking up day in, day out. Just wish I could die in an accident so then it would get it over with. Gah just not sure what to do. Wait till Christmas and birthdays are over and be miserable or CTB on Friday/weekend and be happy but ruin everyone else's christmas's. I don't even know how to deal with grief, I haven't dealt with the death of my friend.
Sorry for such a long rant.
Just feel stuck.