EDIT: Thanks for the replies you guys. When I write like this it's because everything is spinning around in my head 90mph. A misread of one of the replies below somehow snapped me out. I've been all over the place today, mentally speaking. So I guess also thanks for your patience. I promise I'm not a wingnut every day!
I'm stuck in limbo. I hate my friend's cancer. I hate that she's sick. I also hate that I can't leave in clear conscience. Earlier today it didn't matter but then I talked to her and her voice is so gentle. Those out feet in my avatar pic. Mine are the shoes, hers are the socks.
And so now I feel guilty for feeling stuck. And I feel guilty for neglecting myself. And I feel guilty for lying to my friend and saying I'm great. I've been trying for 14 hours to get off my phone. I've been trying to get started on my laundry for the past 8. I just keep zoning out in oatmeal brained lala land. I have my sn but now I can't use it because I feel so guilty about my friend but I can't get myself moving either. I literally can't get out of my vehicle.
I have to do daily check ins with my therapist through an online portal. She knows I'm not good but she doesn't know I ordered sn. I don't know that she's even aware of the method. But I may have to skip today's check in because I can't lie to her, even by text. But I guess I could just be honest except for not telling her I have supplies. She was very explicit about this being the difference between freedom and hospitalization.
Is it weird that one of the main reasons I don't want a 5150 is so I can buy a gun, even though I have never in my life owned one? A hobby that I don't engage with. Not the work discrimination, not the loss of freedom and autonomy. Guns. WTF would I even need a gun for?? Those are all reasons I actively have, but the gun one is the loudest in my head.
And every time I get like this people start texting out of the blue. People with whom out relationships are long standing but utterly lacking in substance. Or maybe that's not true but my mind is warped atm. It feels like a prank. Now I feel guilty because of this pity party.
I'm stuck in limbo. I hate my friend's cancer. I hate that she's sick. I also hate that I can't leave in clear conscience. Earlier today it didn't matter but then I talked to her and her voice is so gentle. Those out feet in my avatar pic. Mine are the shoes, hers are the socks.
And so now I feel guilty for feeling stuck. And I feel guilty for neglecting myself. And I feel guilty for lying to my friend and saying I'm great. I've been trying for 14 hours to get off my phone. I've been trying to get started on my laundry for the past 8. I just keep zoning out in oatmeal brained lala land. I have my sn but now I can't use it because I feel so guilty about my friend but I can't get myself moving either. I literally can't get out of my vehicle.
I have to do daily check ins with my therapist through an online portal. She knows I'm not good but she doesn't know I ordered sn. I don't know that she's even aware of the method. But I may have to skip today's check in because I can't lie to her, even by text. But I guess I could just be honest except for not telling her I have supplies. She was very explicit about this being the difference between freedom and hospitalization.
Is it weird that one of the main reasons I don't want a 5150 is so I can buy a gun, even though I have never in my life owned one? A hobby that I don't engage with. Not the work discrimination, not the loss of freedom and autonomy. Guns. WTF would I even need a gun for?? Those are all reasons I actively have, but the gun one is the loudest in my head.
And every time I get like this people start texting out of the blue. People with whom out relationships are long standing but utterly lacking in substance. Or maybe that's not true but my mind is warped atm. It feels like a prank. Now I feel guilty because of this pity party.
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