i'm just here to vent. Due to my workplace accident I've had lasting health implications and they're only getting worse I've been under diagnosed and it's become more and more harder to live in my condition(I've crushed and compressed my spinal cord slowly because I placed both my arms in slings Due An initial shoulder injury that got out of control which is led to the progressive neurological deficits that I'm currently facing and it's only getting worse.
to play sport intervened and I'm getting psychological help but at the moment I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because my compressed spinal cord has not been diagnosed and I don't know if it's even treatable at this point it gets worse every day. I've already lost my ability to hold posture and my ability to walk properly.
My parents are delusional and think that maybe I'm better or I'm getting better because I'm not screaming in pain anymore but reality is is that a persistence enough in a neurological damage to not feel my muscles. Every day I'm really bitter towards my parents because the initial accident was not bad but I progressively work through the pain and continuously damage myself and traumatize myself until I got to this point of no return.
All I do is read these forums for hours on end And I'm really plagued by my thoughts and SI and CTB. Daily life has been debilitating consisting of me just masturbating and maybe watching a few twitch streams. My parents think I'm just depressed but it's actually the destruction of my spinal cord that prevents me from being active like I used to and has yet to be diagnosed.
I'm thinking about CTB but my girlfriend keeps popping into my head. I seem very content with saying bye to all my friends and my family but my girlfriend plagues my mind. She has been the most loving and understanding person I've ever met and it kills me to think that I am even want to hurt myself because she's a constant presence in my life. My physical suffering is intolerable at times but At the same time I'm stuck because my girlfriend is the last person I want to hurt never mind my shitty parents especially my mother who is a narcissist. I feel like I'm in the eternal hell living because the fear of not spending more time with her and the fear of hurting her Is legitimately stronger than my survival instinct at the moment. I've tried to breakUp with her as my physical condition has deterioratedAnd has taken away my youth so I could numb myself but she hasn't let me so I just let her stay. Not sure what to do because my physical condition is so crippling the regret is so high knowing the self inflicted damage I've done to myself and aggravating the injury And obviously the fear of dying.
I just wanted to vent that's all. I've tried to rationalize my death to where if I have made people smile prior to my injury and prior to depression that my life was worth living but I hate how thoughts of my girlfriend is holding me back. She's lost beautiful person on this earth and I don't know how to deal or numb my senses to it. I just wanted to vent, Because I was never lonely in my life I was always loved and will likely everyone until my physical condition has changed who I was as a person has made me angry has made me volatile and most of all has made me miserable.
You guys don't have to comment anything if you don't want to I just wanted to vent thank you.
to play sport intervened and I'm getting psychological help but at the moment I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because my compressed spinal cord has not been diagnosed and I don't know if it's even treatable at this point it gets worse every day. I've already lost my ability to hold posture and my ability to walk properly.
My parents are delusional and think that maybe I'm better or I'm getting better because I'm not screaming in pain anymore but reality is is that a persistence enough in a neurological damage to not feel my muscles. Every day I'm really bitter towards my parents because the initial accident was not bad but I progressively work through the pain and continuously damage myself and traumatize myself until I got to this point of no return.
All I do is read these forums for hours on end And I'm really plagued by my thoughts and SI and CTB. Daily life has been debilitating consisting of me just masturbating and maybe watching a few twitch streams. My parents think I'm just depressed but it's actually the destruction of my spinal cord that prevents me from being active like I used to and has yet to be diagnosed.
I'm thinking about CTB but my girlfriend keeps popping into my head. I seem very content with saying bye to all my friends and my family but my girlfriend plagues my mind. She has been the most loving and understanding person I've ever met and it kills me to think that I am even want to hurt myself because she's a constant presence in my life. My physical suffering is intolerable at times but At the same time I'm stuck because my girlfriend is the last person I want to hurt never mind my shitty parents especially my mother who is a narcissist. I feel like I'm in the eternal hell living because the fear of not spending more time with her and the fear of hurting her Is legitimately stronger than my survival instinct at the moment. I've tried to breakUp with her as my physical condition has deterioratedAnd has taken away my youth so I could numb myself but she hasn't let me so I just let her stay. Not sure what to do because my physical condition is so crippling the regret is so high knowing the self inflicted damage I've done to myself and aggravating the injury And obviously the fear of dying.
I just wanted to vent that's all. I've tried to rationalize my death to where if I have made people smile prior to my injury and prior to depression that my life was worth living but I hate how thoughts of my girlfriend is holding me back. She's lost beautiful person on this earth and I don't know how to deal or numb my senses to it. I just wanted to vent, Because I was never lonely in my life I was always loved and will likely everyone until my physical condition has changed who I was as a person has made me angry has made me volatile and most of all has made me miserable.
You guys don't have to comment anything if you don't want to I just wanted to vent thank you.
