Stuck in a loop

[spiraloutdeath]

Anyone relate to being stuck in multiple loops before CBT'ing? FYI - I am determined overall i need to go.. psychical illnesses are too much to handle..

Method loop - over researching , choosing a method then reconsidering it for another? Ultimately delaying the act

Decision of death loop - deciding to go then having a fear of death, which stops you then it resolves and you start looking again…

Overall there is comfort in knowing i can go at anytime.. but then it's like being stuck in decisions …

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I feel this. the researching is so much and it's depressing what little normalcy I had left. I think this is why guns are so popular - it's a decision that ends the rumination forever.

 

[chester]

I think to a degree this is survival instinct in disguise. We overcomplicate things because killing yourself is not easy. It can be quite simple though. Just grab a sharp, long, pointy knife and stab yourself in the heart or drink some drain cleaner. But no, everything has to be perfect, that's why people import semi-legal substances, wait weeks for delivery, measure the purity as though it mattered if it's 99.1% or 99.7%, try to get prescriptions for antiemetics, etc.

Lengthy and thorough preparation is a great excuse to not do it today. Of course you might say that this is because you need to be sure the method will work. Why do people chose such methods then instead of simply flying a kite into high voltage power lines? Because that's SI at it's finest, taking the form of procrastination. There's always something to test, to check, to try, and then you end up using up whatever you had, or you change your mind and start over. And you live on. That's how your survival instinct tricks your mind into rationalizing staying alive.

I know all this because I'm a victim of this vicious cycle too. That's why I'm probably never going to kill myself the classic way, and by classic I mean tell myself "it ends now" and just do something to myself and be dead in an hour or two. I tried it several times. It's not gonna happen. I've got some tricks up my sleeve though to hopefully trick my survival instinct into not recognizing that I'm taking action to significantly speed up my death.

 

[spiraloutdeath]

I think to a degree this is survival instinct in disguise. We overcomplicate things because killing yourself is not easy. It can be quite simple though. Just grab a sharp, long, pointy knife and stab yourself in the heart or drink some drain cleaner. But no, everything has to be perfect, that's why people import semi-legal substances, wait weeks for delivery, measure the purity as though it mattered if it's 99.1% or 99.7%, try to get prescriptions for antiemetics, etc.

Lengthy and thorough preparation is a great excuse to not do it today. Of course you might say that this is because you need to be sure the method will work. Why do people chose such methods then instead of simply flying a kite into high voltage power lines? Because that's SI at it's finest, taking the form of procrastination. There's always something to test, to check, to try, and then you end up using up whatever you had, or you change your mind and start over. And you live on. That's how your survival instinct tricks your mind into rationalizing staying alive.

I know all this because I'm a victim of this vicious cycle too. That's why I'm probably never going to kill myself the classic way, and by classic I mean tell myself "it ends now" and just do something to myself and be dead in an hour or two. I tried it several times. It's not gonna happen. I've got some tricks up my sleeve though to hopefully trick my survival instinct into not recognizing that I'm taking action to significantly speed up my death.

This makes sense, however, for my case it's more about limiting pain and making sure it's a success! As being a vegetable is worse fate and then you have no control over anything…. So its about finding the most reliable method… however yeh maybe som SI in the mix too
Also i feel i have eliminated a number of methods through reasearch but have looped on others..

 

[chester]

being a vegetable is worse fate and then you have no control over anything

Depends how you define vegetable. If you mean being brain-dead or unconscious for the rest of your life, then I'll take it. To me it's no different than death. If you mean being paralyzed, then I agree.

for my case it's more about limiting pain and making sure it's a success!

I never said it wasn't. And I also believed the same was driving my decisions and changes of plans. In hindsight though, it's hard for me to tell how much of it were excuses and how much were genuine concerns. Or maybe they were both at the same time? Anyway, originally I was supposed to be dead by the end of July and it's the middle of September. Whatever was driving my decisions, it continues to keep me alive, and I hate it so much.