Venting Stuck in a loop

[serah]

I'm stuck in the same fucking loop of depression and suicidal ideation. I hate it. This site has become almost like my personal diary, the one that I come to when I'm at my absolute lowest. I still keep coming back. Whenever I feel as though I'm "improving", my mood shifts. I begin to distance myself from people, I become jealous. I quit my job because of not being able to handle the social anxiety, and I'm back to my same old routine. I'm afraid of finding a new job, I'm afraid of having to take responsibility. I'm afraid the thoughts of suicide are never going away. The realization I'm absolutely unloveable and everyone around me is finding a partner except me fucking hurts. It's hard to pretend I don't care, that I'm fine being a virgin loser whose advances won't ever be reciprocated. My antidepressants don't work, they did for a bit, not sure if it was placebo or what. Too paranoid to talk to my therapist about it, I've lied to them and told them everything's alright. I'm so fucking afraid of my mother finding out I'm not "okay" and becoming upset at me. I want to play the act of being perfectly fine. I'm not sure if I should be open. Therapy just seems stupid, even if I decide to switch out for a new therapist, I feel like it's all the same bullshit. Should I tell my psychiatrist to up my dosage? Should I try out another antidepressant. Is there any point in any of this.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I hear you completely. Did you ever look into a BPD diagnosis/treatment?

The realization I'm absolutely unloveable and everyone around me is finding a partner except me fucking hurts.

I'm not sure that conclusion can be drawn. Mental struggles don't make you unlovable and a lot of the formation of relationships comes down to hard luck.

Sitting idle at home can definitely foster these kind of thoughts (ask me how I know!).

 

[jodes2]

Absolutely! Maybe try upping your dose, if that doesn't work, try a new one. Definitely worth it. And you absolutely should be honest with your therapist!!! They can't help you otherwise!!! That's what they're there for!!! If you don't think your therapist isn't helping you, do get a new one! There are so many techniques at their disposal. Once you've internalised the techniques, they can be extremely useful. At school I'm sure you had better and worse teachers, and ones you personally clicked with and ones you didn't. It makes a massive difference. Try 10 therapists if you have to, until you find one right for you. You can do it! Don't give up. There's great help out there, you just need to find someone competent at breaking through your problems. If you don't feel like you can talk to them about your problems, maybe they're not right for you! Please don't give up

Have you tried dating websites? Just play the numbers game. The more profiles you look through, the more people you'll find who might be a match with. The more matches you find, the more people you will click with. The more people you click with, the more likely you are to find a partner! Sign up to multiple dating sites to play the numbers. And be patient. You might not click with anyone this month, but maybe in a couple of months you will! And present the best of yourself, everyone does, it's part of the game. It doesn't mean you can't tell them about your struggles, but always put positive things first. If you can't find positives in yourself, therapy will help with that, challenging negative beliefs and replacing them with more accurate, helpful, realistic positive beliefs. You're a valuable person with a lot of good! Make the most of it!

 

[serah]

I hear you completely. Did you ever look into a BPD diagnosis/treatment?


I'm not sure that conclusion can be drawn. Mental struggles don't make you unlovable and a lot of the formation of relationships comes down to hard luck.

Sitting idle at home can definitely foster these kind of thoughts (ask me how I know!).

Not even sure how to bring it up. Feels weird to walk into a session and just bring up the fact I feel as though I might have BPD. I guess I'll have to see if I can get myself to do it.

 

[kitch]

Is it the environment around you ?
How did you grow up ?

I've increasingly seen my similar issues as very much my childhood imprints.

That's my take.
Sometimes people don't want to look at stuff that "should" be all lovely , but actually was not.

Sorry if I'm being a bit oblivious ... your original post didn't mention anything like that ...and it sounded like you were fielding everything as your own creation . We get a lot of help along the way to get twisted ...

Good luck moving forward .

 

[LittleBlackCat]

Hugs to you. I'm in this exact same loop. It's scaring me. I also think I might try another AD, I'm waiting until I have a week off work, then I can get the side effects out of the way - what a great way to spend time off. But I know it won't work, so what's the point.