Venting stuck alone

[folly_]

first thread here im making a long post ig. need to get it out somewhere

for the past few weeks ive been completely avoiding every person that i know. i go outside as little as possible and have notifications on all social medias/texting blocked now. opening a social app makes me want to throw up. i ran into a close friend when i was walking to the store who i hadnt seen for over a month and he said "its been a while i missed you" and i just halfheartedly smiled at him and kinda walked off. for a long time ive only stayed alive because i love my friends so much. my best friend is the most important person in the world to me but i cant bring myself to tell her anything anymore. ive never been one to vent to my friends-- i used to have friends that would guilt trip me by saying theyd kill themselves if i didnt do what they asked. made me feel like shit obviously and i could never do that to my friends but it makes me scared to say anything to anyone. that and the fear that my friends "have it worse," stupid as that is

ive been trying to coordinate a phone call with my best friend for like a week but shes off in school now and im at home doing nothing. we barely have texted. im scared shes going to ask me how im doing and its just all going to spill out? my friends dont know im depressed let alone suicidal and hurting myself i feel like ive been lying to her for years. the most i do is post vaguely vent-y art in our group chat with the hope someone will ask me if im okay but the one time someone did i was like "lol im okay dont worry." cried in her arms about everything, she asked why i was upset, and i physically couldnt get a single word out of my mouth

i need to tell someone everything so bad it hurts but i dont want to hurt someone else more by telling them.

sorry for long ramble. lol...

 

[Kai_Txn]

I get that. Sometimes I end up pushing people away because I don't want to burden them with me/ I often feel like a burden on my friends and even my partners sometimes. Sometimes being alone is amazing and can feel great but most times for me its agonizing. I feel like being alone when you know you have people you should be able to talk to but cant for whatever reason may stand in your way, is worse than being alone because you genuinely have no one. It almost feels like a tease. Like someone dangling money in front of your face and every time you go to reach it, they move it away just at the right time for you to never be able to grasp it.

Sending peace your way

 

[folly_]

I get that. Sometimes I end up pushing people away because I don't want to burden them with me/ I often feel like a burden on my friends and even my partners sometimes. Sometimes being alone is amazing and can feel great but most times for me its agonizing. I feel like being alone when you know you have people you should be able to talk to but cant for whatever reason may stand in your way, is worse than being alone because you genuinely have no one. It almost feels like a tease. Like someone dangling money in front of your face and every time you go to reach it, they move it away just at the right time for you to never be able to grasp it.

Sending peace your way

that money thing, yeah, feels like im the one moving it away from myself sometimes too. thanks for the peace and sending the same to you

 

[killmesoftly]

i need to tell someone everything so bad it hurts but i dont want to hurt someone else more by telling them.

oh god do i relate to this. everyone in my life is so burdened by my suicidality that they don't like when I talk to them about it and just say that I need to help myself because they can't or don't know how to help me. but it's been building up inside me for so long and all i want is to tell someone in my life and have them care and try to help. i also get the social media thing so much omfg, haven't opened any of them for months and the thought makes me nauseous.

 

[folly_]

oh god do i relate to this. everyone in my life is so burdened by my suicidality that they don't like when I talk to them about it and just say that I need to help myself because they can't or don't know how to help me. but it's been building up inside me for so long and all i want is to tell someone in my life and have them care and try to help. i also get the social media thing so much omfg, haven't opened any of them for months and the thought makes me nauseous.

yeah, first i muted all the groupchats im in one at a time over a few weeks and ended up uninstalling stuff like instagram and discord since even seeing the app gave me so much anxiety... its the worst...

 

[tirednwired]

Just deleted Instagram today for this exact reason lol. Watching everyone around you survive and thrive while you feel stuck in place is one of the worst feelings ever. Hope your talk with your friend goes well if you're still planning on it and that you figure things out.

 

[fleetingnight]

I can rlly relate to this. I can hardly make myself talk to anybody, but sometimes, I fantasize about finally breaking down and explaining everything. It feels like something I want, and something I'm terrified of at the same time. Even if someone asks how I'm doing, it's so hard to stop feeling guilty about answering.

I don't have much advice, but I can understand the feeling. I've been going thorugh pretty similar things the past few months. I'm sorry you're going through this

 

[folly_]

i ended up calling my friend today and i didn't really tell her anything but i feel like i was really shaky the whole time which came through in my voice. she didn't say anything, though… i told her i had something i really wanted to talk about with her since i want to get it off my chest but she hung up since her other friends suddenly showed up. sighs

 

[folly_]

sorry for live-blogging my conversations with my friends guys but i am super stressed

she texted me saying that i could text her anything even though she was about to go to sleep, and she would read it in the morning. i waited half an hour and just spilled my guts out in our dms. hopefully she is really asleep and doesn't hate me tomorrow
i am shaking right now. i have always thought that confessing this all would bring me some peace of mind but i don't know anymore. im not going to delete the message since im done being such a coward (im not usually this negative but this all is kind of intense)