Struggling with the death drive

[aiko333]

I've had a history of self harm and reckless activity since a very young age, but haven't outright hurt myself in a year or two now. Because my suicidal urges have returned I've found myself indulging in very mildly dangerous or self harm related activity in lieu of the real thing, since I can't get away with it any longer (living with another person makes it difficult to cut, burn yourself, etc).

Does anyone else struggle with this? I have the urge to start smoking again, not because I ever developed a nicotine addiction (in fact I actually disliked the act of smoking and only got headaches from it), but because I found comfort and pleasure in doing something that was both actively harming me and something I could get away with. I don't eat, not because of an eating disorder, but because I like to punish myself and deprive myself of nutrients and energy. I have taken to driving alone at night, going much faster than I should on downward slopes. Just about anything short of actually taking out the knife or lighter again. I've been mostly good about it, forcing myself to eat and stay away from gas stations so I don't buy Marlboros, but I constantly am seeking out little things to kill me quicker.

 

[Rairii]

I've struggled with this similarly as well since a young age. I wouldn't take meds for illnesses. I'd swallow random small objects in hopes that maybe someday it'd mess with my GI system and kill me. My anorexia definitely was a form of slow suicide. I would also take more than the prescribed dosage of meds because maybe there was a slim chance it could hurt me. Not drinking water after being very sick or working out heavily, so I was obviously very dehydrated because I wanted it to hurt me. Taking very hot baths while restricting heavily, knowing I'd feel very lightheaded and hoping I'd just faint.

I've gotten better about these things except the ED is still a struggle and sometimes I still want to forgo taking meds for things but in the end I comply.

 

[whywere]

Both of you @aiko333 and @Rairii, my heart broke to pieces as far as I care about both of you, yes, I say this a lot in messages, BUT each and every time I do, I 100% heartfelt mean it period.

After over 66 years here, I can at least somewhat understand your folks' thoughts and feelings. When I was told I had cancer and when I found my ex-wife cheating on me, oh boy, I stopped taking blood pressure meds, wanted a heart attack from stopping the med, BUT then I had an Apiphany and went back on the med.

Since then, I have found SS and enjoy all the folks on here as family. Also got laid off the rehired by the same firm, go figure! BUT in the end love, caring, beauty, forgiveness, and compassion rule.

I send both of you lots of hugs, love, hope and the knowledge that we are all in this together. which means when you hurt so do I.

Walter

 

[MidnightCat]

I really struggled with this.

In fact, I think it may worsen my suicidal ideas, if I could only feel the knife against my skin again, maybe, just maybe... Will help me regain control over my mind.


But, living with someone makes almost impossible to hide it. Been clean for 7 years but I still miss it and do small things that hurt me or make me be in risk of death.

Thank you for your post, it's somewhat comforting (and sad..) to know I'm not done sort of alien and more people understand this exact emotion.

 

[ferny]

Yea, I somewhat get this. I at least find myself engaging in a lot of behaviors that I know are really harmful to me. To me, this is probably more just due to me thinking that I'll die soon eventually, so it doesn't really matter. I'm not quite sure though. In my case it's mostly things like smoking and engaging heavily in my eating disorder(s) even though I know my body is already pretty fucked. I think I almost more so see these things as something almost exciting or soothing to deal with living. At the same time noticing symptoms from my ED feels strangely nice. I think in terms of that I do find some sort of comfort in harming myself quite substantially and risking death without it being seem as an attempt.