Venting Struggling with SI, CTB very soon, hatred for the world

[HeckingHecked]

I just wrote my note. After many attempts, I can now realize that this pre-CTB anxiety is just SI. It's good to know that because this time I will overcome it, whether today, tomorrow, or Monday. Nobody in my real-life will care when I'm gone. They'll be glad that they don't have to cater to the retarded fuck that could never fit in; the one they always were secretly hoping would CTB anyway because it's better him than their friends. Of course, their friends are all replaceable anyway. It's better that way. If they were to be loyal to anyone, than they couldn't always have fun. They'd have to own up to the responsibility of what actually giving a shit about another human-being is like. They're thinking "He's so pathetic and naive for just wanting someone to talk to. Now that I have all his secrets, I can spread the texts around the entire group, get everyone to see them, spin them in a negative light, and BOOM. Everyone hates him, and I get off scot-free. Because that's what I do. I ruin lives of people who can't match my (obviously fake) energy, fake-cry and gaslight if someone ever figures it out, drop them, and then repeat the process!" It's sociopathic, but I guess that's the world we live in. No reason to want to change the unchangeable.

EDIT: What should I say to my best-friend? Should I say anything?

Signing off for good soon,
Hecked

 

[FuneralCry]

It is up to you if you should say anything to your friend, but at least for me I think it is a good idea to write a note to those left behind saying things like 'there is nothing you could have done' and 'now I am at peace'.
It is a horrible world, some people can be so cruel. I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[HeckingHecked]

It is up to you if you should say anything to your friend, but at least for me I think it is a good idea to write a note to those left behind saying things like 'there is nothing you could have done' and 'now I am at peace'.
It is a horrible world, some people can be so cruel. I wish you the best with your plans.

Thank you. I already have a section in my note for her, anyway.

 

[1Mazda16]

I just wrote my note. After many attempts, I can now realize that this pre-CTB anxiety is just SI. It's good to know that because this time I will overcome it, whether today, tomorrow, or Monday. Nobody in my real-life will care when I'm gone. They'll be glad that they don't have

I'm sorry life has gotten to this point for you. Just know you are a good person with good intentions and in God's eyes, that means a lot. Suffering is a mystery--it seems to fall most on the people who deserve it the least. Sounds like your parents are very toxic. Is there any way you can put some distance between yourself and them? As far as your best friend, I would like to suggest asking him/her out to lunch or a movie. I think you will enjoy your time with them and it will give you a respite from the pain you are in. No need to mention CTB for now. I wish you nothing but the best, my friend. Please keep in touch. ❤

 

[Sanva]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I had a "friend" betray me in a similar way in the past and I know how much it hurts. If it helps, I got over it with time, especially after I was finally done with school and able to get my distance.

unfortunately, people tend to have their groups they fit into and anyone who's different is either ignored, belittled or bullied. i genuinely think people like that are just very superficial and pretty much incapable of second guessing their actions. they just do it because it's in their nature. i don't think any of them would wish for you to ctb, usually people treat us like shit when we're alive but when we're dead they cry about it and feel guilty. for me, i honestly continued living for a while just to spite those people. because they don't really deserve to have me ctb because of them, they don't deserve to have my life in their hands just because I can't fit in. i think it has a lot to do with maturity too. younger people tend to be much more self-absorbed, they only learn how their actions really affect others with time.

I've met some people who were genuinely caring in the past, they're rare but they still exist. i hope you can meet someone like that.

just remember that if you're still young, you have plenty of time to see how things turn out, and things always change with time. i know it hurts and sometimes you just want the pain to stop. but i wish you the best, maybe you can find a way to keep going.

 

[miserableforever]

I just wrote my note. After many attempts, I can now realize that this pre-CTB anxiety is just SI. It's good to know that because this time I will overcome it, whether today, tomorrow, or Monday. Nobody in my real-life will care when I'm gone. They'll be glad that they don't have to cater to the retarded fuck that could never fit in; the one they always were secretly hoping would CTB anyway because it's better him than their friends. Of course, their friends are all replaceable anyway. It's better that way. If they were to be loyal to anyone, than they couldn't always have fun. They'd have to own up to the responsibility of what actually giving a shit about another human-being is like. They're thinking "He's so pathetic and naive for just wanting someone to talk to. Now that I have all his secrets, I can spread the texts around the entire group, get everyone to see them, spin them in a negative light, and BOOM. Everyone hates him, and I get off scot-free. Because that's what I do. I ruin lives of people who can't match my (obviously fake) energy, fake-cry and gaslight if someone ever figures it out, drop them, and then repeat the process!" It's sociopathic, but I guess that's the world we live in. No reason to want to change the unchangeable.

EDIT: What should I say to my best-friend? Should I say anything?

Signing off for good soon,
Hecked

Same situation for me with my family, my ex husband and now my daughter gets paid to regurgitate what 'they' say. Be it lies how I stole money (I have not in my entire life). My ex did. He stole 100k out of my account when I left his abusive butt.
I used to be successful. Even with the social anxiety I made life work. It's all gone, illegally removed behind my back and I was a fool to believe they would never.
I'm broke, broken, angry, and defeated.
I can so relate to your post.

I hope you can overcome the SI, if that's what you wish for. Not sure what to tell your best friend. Has he ever betrayed you? If not, you can put the reasons for your CTB in that note to make it easier on him/her.
Wish I had friends like you and I'm so sorry people treated you the way they did. The world has more narcissists than we know. No good soul deserves any of the lifetime-subscription of torment.
Safe travels, if you decide to follow through.