Struggling with potential new diagnosis of OCD

[Trismegistus_13]

Hi friends,

I'm not feeling very good tonight and just feel the need to share. I will do my best to summarize my situation. You don't need to respond if you don't want to; I just need to get this out of my head.

I am currently on medication and see a therapist for depression and anxiety. Aside from the classical presentation of these diseases, my therapist tells me I have a major issue with self-esteem linked to morality. I have very difficult-to-control, recurring thoughts that I as a male am inherently a bad person, and that women are morally superior to me and would be better off if I was dead.

Now, in reality, I've been told that my kindness and empathy are my best qualities by many people of both genders, but I cannot get it out of my head that I am not an exception to men being evil. I guess I struggle with hating my gender.

Last session, my therapist said she is starting to suspect I have OCD, with my obsessions being the aforementioned thoughts, and my compulsions being myself seeking reassurance that I am an okay person from others (mom, friends, therapist). This felt like it came out of nowhere, and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. On one hand, how my therapist explained it made a lot of sense to me. On the other, it's scary to be potentially diagnosed with something new.

I filled out a questionnaire for her and am going to spend a few sessions with a therapist who specializes in OCD before going back to my original. I wish I didn't feel like I failed my therapist; she's a true angel.

And off topic, but I really appreciate the people here who have not given up hope and are supportive of others. I don't usually respond, but I see you. It can be really hard to not give up when we feel so bad, and I really wish the best for every single one of you. Yes, you, reading this right now. You are worthy of recovering from your illness and living a good life. I am still trying to convince myself I am worthy of the same.

 

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What's this "failed my therapist" stuff. Let me tell you something. If you're anywhere near this self-aware, introspective, and insightful in your appointments as you come across on the forum here, then you're making a boon of a patient. I guarantee it. You are not a failure in any sense of the word!

With OCD... Hmm, I would try to look at a new diagnosis as an explanation... a label to put to your symptoms... It means you're not an anomaly and that there are straightforward, well-established treatments for this. A validation of your suffering. It's also good for practitioners as it can make for somewhat of a blueprint as to how to approach it.

Seeking reassurance from others... A lot of us around here know what that's all about it. Never really does any sustainable good though, I expect. That can only come from within!

And oh my goodness, yes, you are worthy. I hope you do find it within yourself to see that and believe it.

Wishing you the best in following up with the specialist.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

What's this "failed my therapist" stuff. Let me tell you something. If you're anywhere near this self-aware, introspective, and insightful in your appointments as you come across on the forum here, then you're making a boon of a patient. I guarantee it. You are not a failure in any sense of the word!

With OCD... Hmm, I would try to look at a new diagnosis as an explanation... a label to put to your symptoms... It means you're not an anomaly and that there are straightforward, well-established treatments for this. A validation of your suffering. It's also good for practitioners as it can make for somewhat of a blueprint as to how to approach it.

Seeking reassurance from others... A lot of us around here know what that's all about it. Never really does any sustainable good though, I expect. That can only come from within!

And oh my goodness, yes, you are worthy. I hope you do find it within yourself to see that and believe it.

Wishing you the best in following up with the specialist.

Thank you so so much. This is beyond the kindness I expected, and I really appreciate you taking the time to type this all out. You're right, it's better to view it as an explanation that I did not previously have, which is a step forward. Thank you again, you have a way with writing