Discussion Struggling to understand other suicidal people

[BloomingAzaleas]

I've been suicidal and have had multiple attempts since I was 12 (I'm 22 now) and I've talked to a lot of other suicidal people, but I feel like we're just on a different wave length and I really struggle to understand

For starters, I'm confused that people want to get better or their problem to be relieved, but are just hopeless in things changing, wanting to get better in the first place is unthinkable to me.

Additionally, I don't get how people can hate themselves and talk so badly of themselves, it confuses me where all those feelings come from.

So if I'm not suicidal because of life stress or because I hate myself, then why do I want to always die so bad?

Am I missing something? Please help me understand

 

[Johnzaga23]

You dont have to excuse yourself for feeling suicidal. The feelings are there, so they matter. Is it existencial? Is it depression? Is it something else? Whatever it is, you shouldnt ignore it.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

For starters, I'm confused that people want to get better or their problem to be relieved, but are just hopeless in things changing

There are many suicidal individuals who don't actually want to die. Many of them prefer the idea of living a good life but are not in the state to do so. These suicidal thoughts that they are experiencing are a symptom of their issues rather than something that they truly desire deep down inside. Change can be hard and it tends to take a lot of time, but many would prefer to at least give it a shot in the hopes of getting better and being able to live a good life rather than die.

Additionally, I don't get how people can hate themselves and talk so badly of themselves

Self-hatred can stem from many factors. For some, it might be the result of it being a symptom of their mental illness and/or past trauma, while for others it might be due to disappointment in one's self for their own failings and poor actions in the past and/or present, and for some, it might be due to how others view and treat them, especially on a societal scale (e.g., queerphobia, racism, discrimination against those who don't meet conventional beauty standards, etc). For many, it's due to a mixture of these factors and maybe even some other ones that I didn't list.

I know that in my case, I have hated myself throughout most of my life. I hated my appearance and I was racked with guilt over my past shitty actions and over things that weren't even my fault. I viewed myself as a burden to those around me and my self-hatred would get so bad to the point of it sometimes leading me to cry myself to sleep.

So if I'm not suicidal because of life stress or because I hate myself, then why do I want to always die so bad?

We are not you so we cannot answer that. Only you can.

I'm actually doing better right now and I still plan on eventually ctbing because, in my case, I just don't find existence to be that appealing. Some people just don't find existing to be that appealing.

 

[Jadeith]

had multiple attempts since I was 12 (I'm 22 now)

Might sound a bit rash but i'm glad you "failed". Good to have you still alive.

I don't get how people can hate themselves and talk so badly of themselves

One way to think about it it's kinda like food. You like some edibles and some you don't. Can't really explain why, especially since others might like it but you just don't. Same might go with self-hating. Me for example - technically speaking my shell is ok i guess. Good immune system (even COVID resistant), above 6 feet, no excessive body fat, no face deformations or scars. Still, can't look in the mirror without the urge to break it. Just fuckin' hate the looks.

So if I'm not suicidal because of life stress or because I hate myself, then why do I want to always die so bad?

Mentioned in other thread lack of purpose can be debilitating too.

 

[citrusrope]

I think that in some cases, some people feel suicidal from a *lack* of feeling anything as opposed to feeling *too much*. It's just opposites on the same spectrum I suppose.

-> Feel too much and the overload of powerful emotions which might be "impossible" for one to handle might make one suicidal.
OR
-> Feel absolutely nothing, or feel apathetic regarding life as well as themselves (which is where lack of self-hate would come in because if you're apathetic, you couldn't even hate yourself even if you wanted to I'd imagine,) which leads to severe boredom or something similar which could drive someone to want to end it all since there doesn't seem to be any reason to live life without any real purpose or joy to be had out of living.

 

[hereornot]

Sometimes it's a logical, rational question... of not having enough time to recover.

Time doesn't forgive.

 

[missedmybus]

I keep making the same mistakes and patterns. It gets more and more frustrating, and more and more difficult go dig myself out of the situations I get into. At some point will be completely screwed (keep burning bridges and basically burning money in the last two phases) if I am not able to break this cycle.

Rise (excitement, energy, positive but hyper productive unsustainable periods)

-> Stability/Contentment (good, but short until next)

-> Stagnation/comfort (bad, start to get bored, hole/hunger starts growing, start to play with life, test limits, test people, suicide whispers in back of mind because I already know what is coming)

-> Fall (self destructive behavior, manipulation of people, break limits, push boundaries too far, drugs alcohol, suicidal ideation and thoughts)

-> Ashes (completely lost, wrecked, depressed, scared to leave house, shame, disgust, self loathing, concrete plans/acute thoughts of suicide)

This cycle seems to last about 3-7 years usually. Have been through it about 6 times now. With age it becomes more and more difficult to dig myself out of it.

 

[BloomingAzaleas]

-> Feel absolutely nothing, or feel apathetic regarding life as well as themselves (which is where lack of self-hate would come in because if you're apathetic, you couldn't even hate yourself even if you wanted to I'd imagine,) which leads to severe boredom or something similar which could drive someone to want to end it all since there doesn't seem to be any reason to live life without any real purpose or joy to be had out of living.

You know this actually makes a lot of sense, I've always really struggled to feel anything and I always wanted to die because I simply wasn't interested in life.
I wonder why I haven't run across another apathetic soul though, maybe they are just too effective at killing themselves.

 

[citrusrope]

You know this actually makes a lot of sense, I've always really struggled to feel anything and I always wanted to die because I simply wasn't interested in life.
I wonder why I haven't run across another apathetic soul though, maybe they are just too effective at killing themselves.

I get periods of feeling apathy and I will say that to have no real interest in life or anything that life offers is a very soul sucking feeling, it really does suck. It's why I desperately cling to the very very few things that give me some semblance of joy (even if it is very short-lived and goes away pretty quickly...)

Maybe there's just a lot of people who are very good at hiding the fact that they're apathetic? I don't imagine that a lot of people IRL would be understanding enough or would find it off-putting... probably. Online though? I have no clue. Maybe complete apathy is a bit rarer, and it's more common to be partly apathetic or apathetic sometimes similar to what I experience? Dunno.

 

[grapevoid]

This may just be a part of your mental health/mental illness. Depression effects people in different ways and presents itself in different ways. I don't feel most those type of things either. I don't hate myself, actually. I have a pretty solid self esteem. A lot of times I like my life, too. I like the people who are a part of it, I'm proud of things I've done and accomplished etc. I'm still extremely suicidal and have been most my life. My psychiatrist just says I'm chronically suicidal. I feel sure it can't be fixed after all these years and I'm just tired of wanting to die. I can't say I'm always completely apathetic but I definitely struggle to feel the things I see other people feel. I'm not excitable or super interested in things. I'm proud of my accomplishments in a sense but I don't get the fulfillment from them people act like I should etc etc

 

[NonEssential]

Just because we are both suicidal doesn't mean we are similar.