Struggling to live, struggling to die

[ThreeWords]

Hello everyone!

I've lurked on this forum for around six months, but never felt the strength to post. I like reading many users replies to struggles others are going through - it's very refreshing compared to other places. The genuine care shown is unbelievable This community seems amazing and I regret not joining years ago when my problems started - I feel that things may have been different for me.

I've been struggling with severe depression for years, which has gotten significantly worse recently. My current situation is a complete nightmare - I've got some friends who do love me (and I'm incredibly thankful for them) but of course, we can't live life for only other people. While I don't want to go into details, my life is going to get worse significantly over the next few months - a looming problem that isn't something I can fix, and has been ballooning for some time. I can't face it, and I'd never force my worst enemy too either.

I want to end things on my terms. I want it to be my choice. So I've practiced partial hanging quite a few times, and failed in my ctb attempt through it (2 months ago). Just not finding the sweet spot, And I don't have other appropriate means available. I've tried a different combination of ropes, ties and a belt to no avail. It's not been painful for the most part, can breathe relatively ok and I'm not panicking/SI isn't a problem. I end up with a pounding in my ears which gets uncomfortable, and a sore tongue/mouth (if that makes sense?). I've not been able to pass out yet.

Im here now absolutely not able to go on with life, but angry that I can't get the partial hanging right. My current plan is to ctb tonight (well super early AM). Suicide note is written. Other stuff all taken care of over the last few months.

My apologies for basically the rant here! I'll be reading through a mega thread all day today (as I have done many times), and I'll try and post more thoughts or things as the day goes on just in case anyone is interested. Thank you all for providing this platform just to try and get my thoughts out and I'm sorry I couldn't join in with you all before.

EDIT: had to fix the title. Posting from mobile and no idea what happened to it

 

[Sinai Silence]

Hey there ThreeWords!

Whatever situation is looming over you, I hope you find peace from it. It sounds like it is very daunting whatever it is.

I wish I had signed up sooner too, actually speaking to people on this site has been the best thing for me. At least you are here now so every post you make is valuable to the community. :)

I wish you the best of luck for whenever you decide to ctb and hope it doesn't cause you too much distress. Hugs <3

 

[inactive]

Really relate to your post. I'm interested in partial hanging too. I hope you find peace as soon as possible <3

 

[ThreeWords]

Just a little update. Today was by no means a good day from usual, however what I have done is spend some time with my mother. We've never had a good relationship, but we watched a movie, went a long walk in the park and chatted quite a bit. It made me more comfortable in my decision.

 

[ThreeWords]

So I missed it last night everyone. Fell asleep and when my alarm went off I just couldn't get up - no energy whatsoever. But I'm undeterred. There's a couple of difficult things I now need to do today, but my plan is to spend my day alone.

It's funny - I do want to ctb tonight, but I'm not upset or in distress or anything. I've felt peaceful yesterday and this morning, almost like I've accepted it. I didn't think I'd be feeling like this but there we go.

 

[ThreeWords]

Hey everyone. So I'm making my final preparations to ctb now. I don't feel as calm as I did earlier but I suppose that's normal. I wanted to leave this message as a thank you to everyone who has shared on this site and clearly helped each other. You are all the best. And a big thank you for listening to me. I wish you all find the peace you are looking for.

 

[WornOutLife]

I know maybe it's too personal and you don't want to share it but... could you tell us exactly what your problems are?

I see you're about to CTB, what method will you use?

And if you happen to read this, going back to my first question, It'd be nice if you shared exactly what your problem is because people in this forum can really talk to you about their experiences and the way they're dealing/dealt with them.

For example, in my case, I'm suffering from an extremely deep depression related to bipolar disorder and made met gained a lot of weight but after talking to some people and watching lots of videos, for the time being, I'm feeling better.

 

[Unlucked]

Hello, it sounds like you are going through a difficult time. Partial hanging is one method I tried before as well, but it is very hard to find the right way to do it like you mentioned. I tried for a week straight and only managed to get extreme vertigo and dizziness but not able to lose consciousness sadly, plus the buildup of pressure in the head was extremely unpleasant. You only die once, so why not try to gather all the supplies for SN or save a bit for N?