Gangrel
Student
- Jul 25, 2024
- 106
One of my biggest struggles in life is letting go of everything related to people, i feel a massive void inside of me when i have to do it. Even with irrational things.
My best friend/first partner abandoned me without a word, after months he just said he was sorry for being such a shitty person, through text. I was devasted, i still dream about him, i still have his presents, i cannot let myself go of it no matter how hard i try. I carry around a little keychain made out of his favorite animal - a highland cow. He was 5'7" and super strong, blonde hair and a beautiful smile. He loved martial arts and he worked so hard, he suffered a lot with suicide as well. I hope he isn't dead.
When i look at older goodbye threads from here, i feel heartbroken i did not meet those people and talked to them. Didnt meet them, didn't got to know their favorite food, make a silly joke about them, made them laugh. I wish so bad i could've done that. I wish i experienced the essence of these people. Now all i have is their messages on a board that is gonna be defunct one day and all this information will be lost. I know it's extremely irrational to feel that way but i can't help it, i just feel so bad for all of them. Which makes me abstain from the current goodbye one's, i don't wanna interfere in any way, i feel too guilty in letting them go, i'm selfish.
One certain case that touched me the most is Dani (@LetzteAusfahrt) By reading his messages i felt touched by such a sweet person that he was, 52, never had a relationship, just a life of suffering. I had a dream i went out with him and gave him hugs and a lot attention, like he was a best friend i had not seen in a long time, he was glad i was nice to him. I wasn't even thinking that much about him, i just read his messages that day and stopped thinking about it. I have extremely vivid dreams all the time, i know it might seem weird and creepy, i'm sorry for that. He wanted to die so bad and was at peace with it, which i'm glad at least. But i cannot stop thinking about him and his long life, i'm 26 and already so fucking tired of living.
I don't really have a problem with death to be honest, i've lost 6 family members during COVID, i didn't cry, i just missed them, it didn't hurt like abandonment does. Knowing a person is out there and chose to left me (even though i have horrible self steem and i probably think i deserve it). I think if i have to go through that again i will CTB to end the pain. It felt like someone was physically gripping my heart, i thought i was going to die.
I guess i was just so lonely my entire life that when i finally feel something for people i get extremely attached and refuse to let go. Or maybe i'm just obssesed with certain people. Does someone else feel that way?
Sorry for the big vent.
My best friend/first partner abandoned me without a word, after months he just said he was sorry for being such a shitty person, through text. I was devasted, i still dream about him, i still have his presents, i cannot let myself go of it no matter how hard i try. I carry around a little keychain made out of his favorite animal - a highland cow. He was 5'7" and super strong, blonde hair and a beautiful smile. He loved martial arts and he worked so hard, he suffered a lot with suicide as well. I hope he isn't dead.
When i look at older goodbye threads from here, i feel heartbroken i did not meet those people and talked to them. Didnt meet them, didn't got to know their favorite food, make a silly joke about them, made them laugh. I wish so bad i could've done that. I wish i experienced the essence of these people. Now all i have is their messages on a board that is gonna be defunct one day and all this information will be lost. I know it's extremely irrational to feel that way but i can't help it, i just feel so bad for all of them. Which makes me abstain from the current goodbye one's, i don't wanna interfere in any way, i feel too guilty in letting them go, i'm selfish.
One certain case that touched me the most is Dani (@LetzteAusfahrt) By reading his messages i felt touched by such a sweet person that he was, 52, never had a relationship, just a life of suffering. I had a dream i went out with him and gave him hugs and a lot attention, like he was a best friend i had not seen in a long time, he was glad i was nice to him. I wasn't even thinking that much about him, i just read his messages that day and stopped thinking about it. I have extremely vivid dreams all the time, i know it might seem weird and creepy, i'm sorry for that. He wanted to die so bad and was at peace with it, which i'm glad at least. But i cannot stop thinking about him and his long life, i'm 26 and already so fucking tired of living.
I don't really have a problem with death to be honest, i've lost 6 family members during COVID, i didn't cry, i just missed them, it didn't hurt like abandonment does. Knowing a person is out there and chose to left me (even though i have horrible self steem and i probably think i deserve it). I think if i have to go through that again i will CTB to end the pain. It felt like someone was physically gripping my heart, i thought i was going to die.
I guess i was just so lonely my entire life that when i finally feel something for people i get extremely attached and refuse to let go. Or maybe i'm just obssesed with certain people. Does someone else feel that way?
Sorry for the big vent.