Venting Struggling to cope with being suicidal and seeing close people show care

[SanguineShark]

My friends are so sweet and nice, I meet up with them today and we had fun, one of them even gave me a goodbye kiss on the forehead.. (I feel so disgusting I was surprised someone would do that)
And like, I'm wondering that if I died, they would probably miss my presence.. like.. I doubt they would want to spend so much time with me and talk to me if I didn't mean something to them..
It's stupid bc one of my biggest reasons I crave death is that I feel worthless and like I'm a burden, but I'm too afraid to accept that I actually mean something to people, I guess it's a defense mechanism.
I just prefer to always assume I will be abandoned, rather than let myself be happy and trust people, because at least then I can feel some kind of control? Even though that only self-sabotages me and causes me to be abandoned.
I just feel sad because of how stuck I am, I have all the tools and proof to change my outlook and perception of myself, but it's so extremely hard to just.. accept that.
As some people who already recognize me here may know, I already bought SN and I kinda accepted that my cause of death will be suicide.. but having caring people around me just confuses me and also kinda makes me even more sad. I just can't win, can I? My brain will always torture me the most.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I know that feeling. I crave the release of death, but my thoughts always linger back on the people who care about me. I know that my absence would be noted, and my death would harm people. One of the things I hate the most is hurting others, especially loved ones. It's impossible to rationalize seeing yourself as a burden, while simultaneously having people who love you. The brain is a mystery, a mystery that none of us will fully understand.

 

[xxpinkmoonglitterxx]

I completely agree with you. I feel those things about myself. I don't understand WHY I can't seem to believe or trust (I'm not even sure which word to use) that people care about me? I'm sorry for those of us who always feel like a burden no matter what.

 

[SanguineShark]

In some ways you might also feel this way because it'd be easier to give up on life and drink your SN if you knew everyone didn't care about you. Having them care about you brings your mind into ambivalence and conflict because maybe 25% of you doesn't wanna die and is an additional barrier to SI that you'd have to overcome.
If you think people like/love you and the perceived absence of that was why you were looking to CTB then give yourself perhaps a few months to truly assess it because you wanna cling to any genuine and fulfilling reasons to live so long as you believe it can get you through your life.
Suicide is only a necessary escape for the truly damned, better that youre not one of them if you can help it.

I agree with you, though with my reasons for ctb it's not only the absence of love, there's many reasons that combine into my craving for death. Most of them can be fixed eventually, but I suffer so much I'm starting to give up. I think that's a valid reason still, I'm heavily mentally ill with multiple disorders, that's like having multiple physical disorders, but the pain is different.

 

[wondering&wandering]

I just feel sad because of how stuck I am, I have all the tools and proof to change my outlook and perception of myself, but it's so extremely hard to just.. accept that.
As some people who already recognize me here may know, I already bought SN and I kinda accepted that my cause of death will be suicide.. but having caring people around me just confuses me and also kinda makes me even more sad. I just can't win, can I? My brain will always torture me the most.

What you said resonates with me. I feel stuck too. I don't have any ctb method rn, guess I'm not sold that I could do it. It's tough sometimes for sure.

I hope you find peace! Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk/vent.

 

[4g1vvvven]

Damn that's really well put @SanguineShark
Thankyou so much for sharing

I feel like a burden too, caught ideating and perhaps like you I feel some reluctance to even consider the perspective of those I love who seem to value me beyond my own self assessment where I see an intrinsic negative value on the rest of my life and clearly want to avoid it.

It does feel rigged, I often think my own brain is against me too

Maybe it's a blessing to have SN in your possession, you don't have to take it, it doesn't expire does it?

Wish I had some, maybe it would just offer the illusion of control but I reckon it would be a pretty convincing illusion