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wait i'm goated
- Feb 12, 2023
- 273
i spent a big portion of my childhood being homeschooled and only interacting with freaks online, so i struggled with human interaction for a long time. it was really pathetic, i couldn't even speak for more than a minute or two, my throat would start to hurt and my mouth would get super dry because i would go so long without even speaking. there were so many aspects of interacting with others that i just didn't understand, so i humiliated myself a lot. i still humiliate myself sometimes, there's still a few things i struggle with.
i think i'm good when it comes to interacting with people now. i'm a bit awkward in some situations, but i handle it and most people just find me kinda silly for that stuff. it feels a little sad, i would watch the way people interact with each other, make mental notes, copy some aspects from each conversation. human interaction is such a natural thing, no one sits down to study it because it's something so natural that most people have been doing for their entire lives.
it's all just a formula that i have to follow now. gauge the other person/group of people's personality, figure out the vibe of the conversation, mimic their sense of humor, engage at specific points, mimic the body language/amount of eye contact that they're giving. at that point, it's just adding to whatever they're talking about. if i'm unsure/don't care about what they're talking about and they don't seem to be in a lore-dropping/yapping mood, i'll just relate it to something that i do know about for the sake of keeping the conversation going. i make a mental checklist in my head and follow it until the interaction ends. i know that most people do this to an extent, usually subconsciously. humans adapt, that's just how we are, but it's so bad. it's at the forefront of my mind during every interaction. i talk to people all the time at work (usually very casual, friendly conversations) and it all just feels like some fever dream because i just wasn't truly present for any of it.
it's really so draining, but it's working. again, i make mistakes, i can be a little awkward if i'm unsure about the situation or context, sometimes i make way too much eye contact, sometimes i miss some cues, but it works out and i adapt. i would just remain horrible and totally awkward, but i'm pretty extroverted and i love being around people and talking to them, even if it doesn't feel like i'm actually interacting.
i had some close friends for a while, and it was all really natural, but i think i made a lot of mistakes. of course, during the first few interactions, i followed my mental guide and did everything in a way that i thought was strategic; but i didn't feel the need to do it later on. i just stopped thinking about things that way because i felt a sense of safety. i actually felt like myself for a bit, but i think i regret it now as none of them are in my life anymore. i always put up a bit of a front because my personality is pretty repulsive, but everything felt fine most of the time. that was the last time interaction felt real to me.
i've had a few different people (online and irl, close friends and mere acquaintances) straight up tell me that they can't get a "read" on me and that they feel as if they don't know me. i never know how to respond to that stuff, i usually just apologize. i'm not really hiding anything about myself, anyway. if someone wants to know anything about me, they can ask and i will answer honestly. aside from a small selection of very personal things, i'm an open book. they just never ask, but even a friend who knew basically everything about me felt this way, so idk.
i feel so disconnected from everything and everyone.
btw, afaik, i don't have any personality disorders and i'm not neurodivergent. whenever i talk about this sorta thing, that's usually what gets brought up and i get labeled with a bunch of different things, but i've never been diagnosed with anything. but tbf i haven't spoken with a professional about any of this
but i still don't think i have anything like that.
i think i'm good when it comes to interacting with people now. i'm a bit awkward in some situations, but i handle it and most people just find me kinda silly for that stuff. it feels a little sad, i would watch the way people interact with each other, make mental notes, copy some aspects from each conversation. human interaction is such a natural thing, no one sits down to study it because it's something so natural that most people have been doing for their entire lives.
it's all just a formula that i have to follow now. gauge the other person/group of people's personality, figure out the vibe of the conversation, mimic their sense of humor, engage at specific points, mimic the body language/amount of eye contact that they're giving. at that point, it's just adding to whatever they're talking about. if i'm unsure/don't care about what they're talking about and they don't seem to be in a lore-dropping/yapping mood, i'll just relate it to something that i do know about for the sake of keeping the conversation going. i make a mental checklist in my head and follow it until the interaction ends. i know that most people do this to an extent, usually subconsciously. humans adapt, that's just how we are, but it's so bad. it's at the forefront of my mind during every interaction. i talk to people all the time at work (usually very casual, friendly conversations) and it all just feels like some fever dream because i just wasn't truly present for any of it.
it's really so draining, but it's working. again, i make mistakes, i can be a little awkward if i'm unsure about the situation or context, sometimes i make way too much eye contact, sometimes i miss some cues, but it works out and i adapt. i would just remain horrible and totally awkward, but i'm pretty extroverted and i love being around people and talking to them, even if it doesn't feel like i'm actually interacting.
i had some close friends for a while, and it was all really natural, but i think i made a lot of mistakes. of course, during the first few interactions, i followed my mental guide and did everything in a way that i thought was strategic; but i didn't feel the need to do it later on. i just stopped thinking about things that way because i felt a sense of safety. i actually felt like myself for a bit, but i think i regret it now as none of them are in my life anymore. i always put up a bit of a front because my personality is pretty repulsive, but everything felt fine most of the time. that was the last time interaction felt real to me.
i've had a few different people (online and irl, close friends and mere acquaintances) straight up tell me that they can't get a "read" on me and that they feel as if they don't know me. i never know how to respond to that stuff, i usually just apologize. i'm not really hiding anything about myself, anyway. if someone wants to know anything about me, they can ask and i will answer honestly. aside from a small selection of very personal things, i'm an open book. they just never ask, but even a friend who knew basically everything about me felt this way, so idk.
i feel so disconnected from everything and everyone.
btw, afaik, i don't have any personality disorders and i'm not neurodivergent. whenever i talk about this sorta thing, that's usually what gets brought up and i get labeled with a bunch of different things, but i've never been diagnosed with anything. but tbf i haven't spoken with a professional about any of this
but i still don't think i have anything like that.
