strategy to find the right therapist?

[DocNo]

long time ago one of my teachers told my mother once that i choose the wrong people.
as a young person i didn't really care about this but at some point i remembered it and i think she was somehow right. maybe also a reason why i isolated myself for 20 years not letting anybody close to me.

and this leads to my question cause i always feel that i don't really have a strategy or don't know if something like that even exists.

so has anybody of you a strategy like some key questions you ask at the start to figure out if it could work with this therapist?
i guess for me the question goes even further and is about any person you let in your life. do you have a checklist or something like that?

i think this questions of course would be different for everybody but i am still interested cause it might give me a clue where to start.

i guess over the years i learned it a bit but i guess i still mainly go by instinct cause that's a strong drive in me.

 

[signifying nothing]

I did a lot of reading about what therapy is and the kind of therapy that I thought could best help me before then looking for a specific therapist. I was a different kind of person then though, very intellectual and needed to understand things (or at least think I did) before I got into them.

However, you inevitably have to sit face to face with the therapist and at that point it comes down to your instincts in the moment and whether it feels right talking about things with that person. I had initial sessions with two therapists and it was very obvious which one I had the better affinity with, so I continued with them.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

One of the few areas that instinct/intuition is actually helpful is when dealing with other ppl. I'd add that it's not that important if the person is smart/helpful/funny but that it's very important that they care about you and value you in some way.

 

[DocNo]

However, you inevitably have to sit face to face with the therapist and at that point it comes down to your instincts in the moment and whether it feels right talking about things with that person. I had initial sessions with two therapists and it was very obvious which one I had the better affinity with, so I continued with them.

this sitting face to face is of course an important part. when i started therapy some years ago i also did read online about the therapists and for example there were also some therapists which came more from a religious background which made it clear for me that this wouldn't work for me.
finally with the therapist i chose i had a good vibe.

i made this therapy for 1,5 years before i aborted on a point where i gave myself up completely and decided to ctb.

after some time i realized that he might have been a bit too inexperienced to help me. he more or less did let me guide myself through the story of my life cause i started to work off part by part of my life beginning with my childhood so he seemed to have felt that i am able to do that by myself. but at some point i lost this track and he didn't guide me back so it became more a casual talk without any purpose. he even said that he is looking forward to our sessions cause it's more "fun" with me which seems he forgot a bit what we are really doing here.

so my question goes more to the part to filter out less the how it feels cause i know that but more how i can maybe filter by "quality".

some times i think of "good will hunting" where at the start of the movie in the search for a therapist he burns them one after another. i know it's over the top but i also feel that the therapist somehow has to be able to keep up and a therapist who only can give me the "standard program" would be just a waste of time and money.

but maybe it's also that i have to gain experience in this to get a better feel for it.

 

[signifying nothing]

It seems to me you might have to identify more explicitly what your needs and expectations are in terms of therapy. What outcomes are you hoping for and what's most important? Do you feel there is still a lot you would like to talk about in relation to your childhood? Or is it about finding ways of dealing with what you're experiencing day to day? Or is it more that you want to test and challenge your beliefs and have a more philosophical discussion?

Identifying your needs would perhaps help to focus and narrow down the type of therapist you need to search for. Or it might be that talking therapy is not enough for you anymore and you need a different kind of therapy or interpersonal relationship?

 

[DocNo]

It seems to me you might have to identify more explicitly what your needs and expectations are in terms of therapy. What outcomes are you hoping for and what's most important? Do you feel there is still a lot you would like to talk about in relation to your childhood? Or is it about finding ways of dealing with what you're experiencing day to day? Or is it more that you want to test and challenge your beliefs and have a more philosophical discussion?

Identifying your needs would perhaps help to focus and narrow down the type of therapist you need to search for. Or it might be that talking therapy is not enough for you anymore and you need a different kind of therapy or interpersonal relationship?

these are a lot of good questions. thank you.

when i started my therapy i wanted to make more of a psychoanalysis but couldn't afford 3-4 times a week so it became this kind of by just trying to tell my therapist the events of my life cause in the 20 years of isolation and self-analysis i remembered and realized a lot from my childhood and also youth.
my approach was more with this strategy to find some patterns in my behaviour and where they are rooted and how i can by the realization of them develop strategies to approach them.
i guess it was maybe also a naive approach when i at first tried therapy. nevertheless it was not a complete a waste of time.

in my self-analysis i also noticed that understanding things but not being able to change them on an emotional level did bring sometimes even more frustration.
the sister of a friend also mentioned that talking therapy might not be the thing which would be helpful for me.

and cause myself disappeared 20 years ago when i was just hunting for the next kick and then realizing that i completely lost control of myself, i guess it did lead to a complete loss of trust in myself. combined with the lack of trust in others which always was very present cause of my familiar background i isolated myself and tried to rebuild myself. but doing it that alone gets difficult cause with some things you don't even have a scale to know where you stand in life.

in the last three months since i registered here a lot of things became clearer for me and also some changes came with it.
i guess one of the main points is to have the feeling to be unable to establish and maintain deeper relationships to others which i feel i need if i want to progress. this old concept of isolation and also trying to stay away from emotions created only an increasing feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness.

but the last three months moved some of this parts and i feel now a bit more alive than before and also the first time in 20 years i am close to say that i am at least not unhappy.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

What's the difference between a rapist and a therapist? An article.

 

[DocNo]

What's the difference between a rapist and a therapist? An article.

did you read this in a magazine which was lying at your therapists waiting room table? ^^

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

did you read this in a magazine which was lying at your therapists waiting room table? ^^

No, it was lying on my rapists' nightstand.

 

[signifying nothing]

What's the difference between a rapist and a therapist? An article.

I feel it's worse for the psychoanalysts.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I feel it's worse for the psychoanalysts.

 

[signifying nothing]

 

[DocNo]

View attachment 59955

somehow funny that my therapist thread now gets raped by stuff like that :D

 

[signifying nothing]

somehow funny that my therapist thread now gets raped by stuff like that :D

If you can't beat them...

in the last three months since i registered here a lot of things became clearer for me and also some changes came with it.
i guess one of the main points is to have the feeling to be unable to establish and maintain deeper relationships to others which i feel i need if i want to progress. this old concept of isolation and also trying to stay away from emotions created only an increasing feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness.

but the last three months moved some of this parts and i feel now a bit more alive than before and also the first time in 20 years i am close to say that i am at least not unhappy.

Back to being serious - it sounds like you might have moved on from the need for therapy and are finding enough drive to start making real connections with other people again.

In some ways I am in a similar position myself, trying to find ways of connecting (mainly this forum so far) and finding worthwhile things to become involved in. I think it will take time and small steps though, as there is still a lot of anxiety about who I am and how I am around other people and whether I can sustain a relationship without it overwhelming me or vice versa.

In any case, everything can be seen as a form of therapy if viewed with the right mindset/frame of mind :)

 

[DocNo]

Back to being serious - it sounds like you might have moved on from the need for therapy and are finding enough drive to start making real connections with other people again.

In some ways I am in a similar position myself, trying to find ways of connecting (mainly this forum so far) and finding worthwhile things to become involved in. I think it will take time and small steps though, as there is still a lot of anxiety about who I am and how I am around other people and whether I can sustain a relationship without it overwhelming me or vice versa.

In any case, everything can be seen as a form of therapy if viewed with the right mindset/frame of mind :)

exactly. i also see for quite some time the therapeutic dimension in a relationship and i also feel that this is what i desire the most at the moment.
on the other hand i still find it interesting also to try some therapy at some point.

for me anxiety is also a big issue. and yes. it's always small steps. building trust doesn't happen overnight. it needs time to grow.