GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
I think I may have my bus ticket without having to suicide. Working it out in this post.
Back in late January or early February, I got sinusitis which went into an upper respiratory infection. This is normal for me, happens every couple of years. Sometimes I don't get over the infection and go into walking pneumonia, and it seemed to happen this time as well.
But this illness has not played out exactly like others. No meds seemed to bring relief or eventual recovery like in the past.
From the start of this, I've only visited the doctors at pharmacies because I have a deep distrust of doctors and hospitals for good reasons, not going to go into why. Seeing these doctors was convenient and as much as I was willing to do. None suggested testing for COVID, which is just as well, because I wouldn't have wanted to be pressured into seeing a regular doctor or going to the hospital.
I know I've been vocally skeptical of COVID and I still am. I don't doubt that it exists, but there's just too much hinkiness around it -- how it came about, how it's tested and reported, news coverage, all the social engineering with regard to distancing, isolating, masks, travel restrictions, fearmongering and hype, etc.
Still, if the official information that's disseminated about it can be believed, it seems that there's a good chance that's what I got, because of everything that's happened since I got sick.
I didn't respond to normal treatments. When it became clear to me that I had walking pneumonia, I got a nebulizer and was prescribed breathing medicines, steroids, and eventually a course of antibiotics. I actually started the steroids when it was bronchitis, and stayed on them for several months because I also had a shoulder injury and they helped with the pain while recovering.
I put on a lot of weight, and my stomach started swelling. Then a month ago I started having edema in my lower extremeties, so I went off the steroids and most of the nebulizer meds. Fortunately the shoulder pain didn't return. The edema went down. I had cut way down on smoking and tried to quit, but my breathing issues actually got worse, so I maintained smoking a quarter pack or so a day. All these months, I've coughed up phlegm but the cough wouldn't stop, and my breathing has been restricted for months. At least since I got off the bulk of the meds, I've been able to exhale better, but not completely. The exhaling issue started around the time my stomach started swelling.
I force myself to walk places and clean the apartment, but breathing is difficult, my calves burn after walking a short distance, and because I live in an area with high heat and humidity, I tend to get really hot and, the past couple of months, I sweat excessively. I quit exercising and have become quite sedentary since the breathing problems got worse with the bronchitis, but lately have been trying to make myself do more as my mid and upper back hurt often and I know my lungs need the exercise. Only now I don't think the back issues have to do with my lungs, I think it's my heart.
The past several days, I've been getting rashes with fluid-filled bumps that go away, which is not heart-related but a symptom of COVID.
The past week, I've been having pain in the center of my chest, sometimes my heart and breath and stomach do a weird fluttering thing, and the edema came back, not only in my legs but also my arms and hands, my cheeks flush like a mild sunburn, and my knees and knuckles have been sore. This morning when I woke up, in addition to the rash, there were purple blood-filled bumps on both forearms, but especially my left arm. This indicates thrombosis and ischemia, and is also common with COVID.
After researching, it seems I am experiencing the symptoms of a middle stage of heart failure. When I saw the doctor to get antibiotics, my heart sounded fine and the pulse oximeter showed normal oxygen levels, but ischemia can be silent. Since I had edema, I also took diuretics, which helped the edema for awhile, but then it returned, and can be indicative of thrombosis and ischemia.
I've thought about what to do. At first, I was trying to get better so that I could take SN without suffocating, but I don't think I'm going to get better. I could go to a real doctor or a hospital, but what would be the point? There is no reliable treatment for COVID, I don't want any life-saving measures, and I don't want to be trapped in a hospital, at the mercy and under the authority of doctors. I don't want to go on a ventilator if it comes to that, and at this stage of ischemia and potential heart failure, if that's what I have, then I can take medications like blood thinners but I'm never going to recover full function. If I were to recover in a hospital, all of my savings would go to that and I could potentially owe even more, and for all I know I could get kicked out of the country after I was released and I have nowhere to go in the US. I've already done transitional housing, fuck that. I have no life worth pursuing, I'm very isolated and already suffer every day from the external issues I don't talk about, and was going to suicide anyway, in fact have already attempted multiple times with partial hanging, the ReBreather, and CO. When I tested my SN and got some in my system and experienced the breathing symptoms, it was after I'd gotten sick.
I guess I'm at a point where I'm writing about this to externalize and work out what I'm feeling and thinking. It's quite a shift to go from working myself up to suicide with a method I was dreading to realizing, whoa, my bodily functions are severely compromised and it looks like I can die naturally. I'm not one to get melodramatic about symptoms and assume the worst. I've researched this as best I can, and I know I'm not a doctor, but I do know my body. If online information from "reliable" sources about COVID is to be believed, this abnormal recovery from normal illnesses, along with the progressive worsening of multiple systems as evidenced by the rashes, abdominal swelling, and lung and heart issues, are all evidence that my body is going down. Kind of hooray. It's just weird.
I'll keep posting on this thread as things either change or progress, or both. Hopefully I can die without having to suicide, which I admit is a relief because even though I have no contact with my family and am glad for it, I still didn't want them to have to deal with my suicide. If the symptoms get bad enough that I can't ride them out, I still have SN, and I can leave a note that says I was dying of COVID and wanted to stop the suffering, which would be true. An autopsy will prove it. And fuck it, I'll smoke cigarettes to help the process along.
Till the day I die -- which hopefully will be soon -- I call bullshit on COVID being a natural pandemic. This shit is a plandemic. I'm never grateful to abusers, but I am grateful for the easier out from this shitshow of a world. I'm grateful to not have to worry about the remote possibility of karmic negative consequences for ending my life, rational though it is to do so. If I can leave life with a clear conscience that I didn't harm my family or harm my soul, if there is such a thing, I'll take it. Now it's a matter of shifting my perspective. Everyone dies anyway, and those who reach an advanced age and get ill have to face their mortality. I'd already faced it from the perspective of suicide and it being by my own hand, now I can face it from the perspective of it being out of my hands. It's not nearly as shocking or difficult to adjust to than it would have been if I were enjoying my life and was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
Back in late January or early February, I got sinusitis which went into an upper respiratory infection. This is normal for me, happens every couple of years. Sometimes I don't get over the infection and go into walking pneumonia, and it seemed to happen this time as well.
But this illness has not played out exactly like others. No meds seemed to bring relief or eventual recovery like in the past.
From the start of this, I've only visited the doctors at pharmacies because I have a deep distrust of doctors and hospitals for good reasons, not going to go into why. Seeing these doctors was convenient and as much as I was willing to do. None suggested testing for COVID, which is just as well, because I wouldn't have wanted to be pressured into seeing a regular doctor or going to the hospital.
I know I've been vocally skeptical of COVID and I still am. I don't doubt that it exists, but there's just too much hinkiness around it -- how it came about, how it's tested and reported, news coverage, all the social engineering with regard to distancing, isolating, masks, travel restrictions, fearmongering and hype, etc.
Still, if the official information that's disseminated about it can be believed, it seems that there's a good chance that's what I got, because of everything that's happened since I got sick.
I didn't respond to normal treatments. When it became clear to me that I had walking pneumonia, I got a nebulizer and was prescribed breathing medicines, steroids, and eventually a course of antibiotics. I actually started the steroids when it was bronchitis, and stayed on them for several months because I also had a shoulder injury and they helped with the pain while recovering.
I put on a lot of weight, and my stomach started swelling. Then a month ago I started having edema in my lower extremeties, so I went off the steroids and most of the nebulizer meds. Fortunately the shoulder pain didn't return. The edema went down. I had cut way down on smoking and tried to quit, but my breathing issues actually got worse, so I maintained smoking a quarter pack or so a day. All these months, I've coughed up phlegm but the cough wouldn't stop, and my breathing has been restricted for months. At least since I got off the bulk of the meds, I've been able to exhale better, but not completely. The exhaling issue started around the time my stomach started swelling.
I force myself to walk places and clean the apartment, but breathing is difficult, my calves burn after walking a short distance, and because I live in an area with high heat and humidity, I tend to get really hot and, the past couple of months, I sweat excessively. I quit exercising and have become quite sedentary since the breathing problems got worse with the bronchitis, but lately have been trying to make myself do more as my mid and upper back hurt often and I know my lungs need the exercise. Only now I don't think the back issues have to do with my lungs, I think it's my heart.
The past several days, I've been getting rashes with fluid-filled bumps that go away, which is not heart-related but a symptom of COVID.
The past week, I've been having pain in the center of my chest, sometimes my heart and breath and stomach do a weird fluttering thing, and the edema came back, not only in my legs but also my arms and hands, my cheeks flush like a mild sunburn, and my knees and knuckles have been sore. This morning when I woke up, in addition to the rash, there were purple blood-filled bumps on both forearms, but especially my left arm. This indicates thrombosis and ischemia, and is also common with COVID.
After researching, it seems I am experiencing the symptoms of a middle stage of heart failure. When I saw the doctor to get antibiotics, my heart sounded fine and the pulse oximeter showed normal oxygen levels, but ischemia can be silent. Since I had edema, I also took diuretics, which helped the edema for awhile, but then it returned, and can be indicative of thrombosis and ischemia.
I've thought about what to do. At first, I was trying to get better so that I could take SN without suffocating, but I don't think I'm going to get better. I could go to a real doctor or a hospital, but what would be the point? There is no reliable treatment for COVID, I don't want any life-saving measures, and I don't want to be trapped in a hospital, at the mercy and under the authority of doctors. I don't want to go on a ventilator if it comes to that, and at this stage of ischemia and potential heart failure, if that's what I have, then I can take medications like blood thinners but I'm never going to recover full function. If I were to recover in a hospital, all of my savings would go to that and I could potentially owe even more, and for all I know I could get kicked out of the country after I was released and I have nowhere to go in the US. I've already done transitional housing, fuck that. I have no life worth pursuing, I'm very isolated and already suffer every day from the external issues I don't talk about, and was going to suicide anyway, in fact have already attempted multiple times with partial hanging, the ReBreather, and CO. When I tested my SN and got some in my system and experienced the breathing symptoms, it was after I'd gotten sick.
I guess I'm at a point where I'm writing about this to externalize and work out what I'm feeling and thinking. It's quite a shift to go from working myself up to suicide with a method I was dreading to realizing, whoa, my bodily functions are severely compromised and it looks like I can die naturally. I'm not one to get melodramatic about symptoms and assume the worst. I've researched this as best I can, and I know I'm not a doctor, but I do know my body. If online information from "reliable" sources about COVID is to be believed, this abnormal recovery from normal illnesses, along with the progressive worsening of multiple systems as evidenced by the rashes, abdominal swelling, and lung and heart issues, are all evidence that my body is going down. Kind of hooray. It's just weird.
I'll keep posting on this thread as things either change or progress, or both. Hopefully I can die without having to suicide, which I admit is a relief because even though I have no contact with my family and am glad for it, I still didn't want them to have to deal with my suicide. If the symptoms get bad enough that I can't ride them out, I still have SN, and I can leave a note that says I was dying of COVID and wanted to stop the suffering, which would be true. An autopsy will prove it. And fuck it, I'll smoke cigarettes to help the process along.
Till the day I die -- which hopefully will be soon -- I call bullshit on COVID being a natural pandemic. This shit is a plandemic. I'm never grateful to abusers, but I am grateful for the easier out from this shitshow of a world. I'm grateful to not have to worry about the remote possibility of karmic negative consequences for ending my life, rational though it is to do so. If I can leave life with a clear conscience that I didn't harm my family or harm my soul, if there is such a thing, I'll take it. Now it's a matter of shifting my perspective. Everyone dies anyway, and those who reach an advanced age and get ill have to face their mortality. I'd already faced it from the perspective of suicide and it being by my own hand, now I can face it from the perspective of it being out of my hands. It's not nearly as shocking or difficult to adjust to than it would have been if I were enjoying my life and was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
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