$uicideeydea
Nobody
- Sep 20, 2023
- 3
Story of my life I guess. I had a pretty normal childhood, always been very protective of my older brother and my close friends. (Although my brother hated me for it, probably why we dont talk anymore.) But when it came to being bullied myself I didn't really care much. I was raised by my grandparents for the first half of my life, my mom was decently involved but she had to go to college. My dad wasn't allowed in California for a warrent so he lived in idaho. When I turned 10 we had to say bye to what was basically my whole life, my grandparents, my friends, the familiarity. It really sucked.
Moving to idaho I got pretty pissed off, my dad's family fucking hated me. Little blond adhd child who had so much energy and talked too much. They put me down constantly and would hit me to shut me up. I begged for their attention since I didn't know anyone else at the time, and learning I had a dad in general was wild.
My dad is pretty cool, him and I grew close fast, I was glad to have someone I could finally relate to. Not having any friends and moving to a mormon town when your not religious is hell. They said I was weird, or a sinner, or I talked funny, everything about me from my physical appearance to my personality was a problem. I finally met my 2 best friends in band class with the best teacher I ever had.
Junior high is where it all went down hill. I could no longer ignore the comments and bullshit I was being told. I believed all of it. Still do, I don't deserve happiness. I'm fat and ugly and my voice sucks. I fell in such a deep depression, all I could do is smoke weed & cigarettes and play video games, showing up to school was a chore, 90% of the time I wasn't there mentally, luckily i was really book smart for my grade level from helping my older brother with homework. But I've been on a downward spire since then. I attempted to shoot my brains out with a revolver to end my suffering but my dog walked into my room just that moment. So I'm still going because of him.
Then in junior year I decided homework was the most bullshit idea. I spent hours learning dispite how it pained me physically to be there with my adhd brain. Now I had to go home to suffer more?! No thanks. I barely passed because I got 100% on every single test and showed up every day. My shitty principle I've seen every day that year gave me an ultimatum. Start doing homework next year or I'd go to alternative school with the "bad kids". So I told him to eat a dick. Needless to say I ended up at alternative school.
Nothing really interesting happened from transferring to that school, best part is no homework because I always completed the most work at the school. Had a bunch of delinquents from juvenile and pregnant chicks. I was the only one there for a stupid reason, yet I fit in so well. Once my graduation came up I finished school a month early; anticipating the ending of the nightmare that is the public school system. Then covid came along and I didn't even get the satisfaction of a graduation, they sent my diploma in the mail.
Once I graduated I had already been doing electrical for 5 with my dad whom I've gotten so close to, it's like he's been there my whole life. And of course I love and respect my mom, she had to raise 2 kids on her own for 10 years, couldn't of been easy. Every day I'd show up to work late and be miserable although I loved the hands on work. I didn't understand why, I still do it currently. I think it's because I decided a long time ago nothing matters. Always felt like a ghost in my own life. Just kinda watching what other people do and tag along to feel something. But when I'm alone I have no purpose and I wish not to exist. I decided to join the military to feel something, to do something, I hated feeling like shit every day. I needed purpose.
Turns out the military sucks (who knew). I starved myself for a month to make weight and being color blind and having glasses meant i couldnt get any job i wanted, but i did score 95 out of 100 so. Eh. Boot camp wasn't very easy considering my whole squad hated me and tried getting me to give up or get myself kicked out. I won dispite their attempts to sabotage me with every single job we had, laundry, chow runner, midnight watch, pt monitor, firewatch. Fucking sucked. Going into my job training I had the best class though, learned how to fix aircraft easily since I love hands on work. After 6 months I finally got to my base in japan and I love this country. But I got stuck with shit people again. Plus my job doesn't let me rest, I'm losing my mind each day and I'm the only one who gives a shit and work my ass off when they all sleep on the couch.
Being across the world from anything familiar once again, with no support. I can't do it anymore. I got news that my dog died which was the only thing I cared about, and the only person who loved me. I fucking hate myself, I deserve every shitty thing done to me. I got sexually assaulted when I was drunk and didn't say shit. Every day I show up late to work and smoke a pack a day to deal with the stress. I see "mental health" on base but they just tell me to get more than 2-4 hours of sleep a day. Like cool man. They put me on anti-depressants but they don't do shit. I'm being whored out every day at work and nobody cares.
I'm going to CTB within a few weeks, have a pretty good plan put together. The life I live isn't worth much to anybody. Nobody checks up on my from back home. Thanks for listening.
Moving to idaho I got pretty pissed off, my dad's family fucking hated me. Little blond adhd child who had so much energy and talked too much. They put me down constantly and would hit me to shut me up. I begged for their attention since I didn't know anyone else at the time, and learning I had a dad in general was wild.
My dad is pretty cool, him and I grew close fast, I was glad to have someone I could finally relate to. Not having any friends and moving to a mormon town when your not religious is hell. They said I was weird, or a sinner, or I talked funny, everything about me from my physical appearance to my personality was a problem. I finally met my 2 best friends in band class with the best teacher I ever had.
Junior high is where it all went down hill. I could no longer ignore the comments and bullshit I was being told. I believed all of it. Still do, I don't deserve happiness. I'm fat and ugly and my voice sucks. I fell in such a deep depression, all I could do is smoke weed & cigarettes and play video games, showing up to school was a chore, 90% of the time I wasn't there mentally, luckily i was really book smart for my grade level from helping my older brother with homework. But I've been on a downward spire since then. I attempted to shoot my brains out with a revolver to end my suffering but my dog walked into my room just that moment. So I'm still going because of him.
Then in junior year I decided homework was the most bullshit idea. I spent hours learning dispite how it pained me physically to be there with my adhd brain. Now I had to go home to suffer more?! No thanks. I barely passed because I got 100% on every single test and showed up every day. My shitty principle I've seen every day that year gave me an ultimatum. Start doing homework next year or I'd go to alternative school with the "bad kids". So I told him to eat a dick. Needless to say I ended up at alternative school.
Nothing really interesting happened from transferring to that school, best part is no homework because I always completed the most work at the school. Had a bunch of delinquents from juvenile and pregnant chicks. I was the only one there for a stupid reason, yet I fit in so well. Once my graduation came up I finished school a month early; anticipating the ending of the nightmare that is the public school system. Then covid came along and I didn't even get the satisfaction of a graduation, they sent my diploma in the mail.
Once I graduated I had already been doing electrical for 5 with my dad whom I've gotten so close to, it's like he's been there my whole life. And of course I love and respect my mom, she had to raise 2 kids on her own for 10 years, couldn't of been easy. Every day I'd show up to work late and be miserable although I loved the hands on work. I didn't understand why, I still do it currently. I think it's because I decided a long time ago nothing matters. Always felt like a ghost in my own life. Just kinda watching what other people do and tag along to feel something. But when I'm alone I have no purpose and I wish not to exist. I decided to join the military to feel something, to do something, I hated feeling like shit every day. I needed purpose.
Turns out the military sucks (who knew). I starved myself for a month to make weight and being color blind and having glasses meant i couldnt get any job i wanted, but i did score 95 out of 100 so. Eh. Boot camp wasn't very easy considering my whole squad hated me and tried getting me to give up or get myself kicked out. I won dispite their attempts to sabotage me with every single job we had, laundry, chow runner, midnight watch, pt monitor, firewatch. Fucking sucked. Going into my job training I had the best class though, learned how to fix aircraft easily since I love hands on work. After 6 months I finally got to my base in japan and I love this country. But I got stuck with shit people again. Plus my job doesn't let me rest, I'm losing my mind each day and I'm the only one who gives a shit and work my ass off when they all sleep on the couch.
Being across the world from anything familiar once again, with no support. I can't do it anymore. I got news that my dog died which was the only thing I cared about, and the only person who loved me. I fucking hate myself, I deserve every shitty thing done to me. I got sexually assaulted when I was drunk and didn't say shit. Every day I show up late to work and smoke a pack a day to deal with the stress. I see "mental health" on base but they just tell me to get more than 2-4 hours of sleep a day. Like cool man. They put me on anti-depressants but they don't do shit. I'm being whored out every day at work and nobody cares.
I'm going to CTB within a few weeks, have a pretty good plan put together. The life I live isn't worth much to anybody. Nobody checks up on my from back home. Thanks for listening.
