Story Story of my ladyfriend (first lifefuel, but later CTB fuel)

[TAW122]

In my other threads, including my 2020 suifuel thread, I have discussed many reasons and causes that push me towards CTB'ing in late 2020. Here, I will elaborate about my ladyfriend story and how she saved me in 2019, but then later contributed towards my CTB'ing in 2020. Here is the story below:

The Story of My ladyfriend, How she saved me, but later contributed towards my CTB:
So in March 2019, I decided to bite the bullet and take a chance to see my ladyfriend, whom I had known and kept in contact for over many years. At first, I was nervous about things going to shit, for whatever reason (be it her fault, nature's fault, my fault, or who/whatever). However, a part of me gained the courage and drive to meet her is the fact that I have my method (firearm) still available to me when I return back to the states and can always CTB later if things go to shit. Therefore, my added courage allowed me to do my best and everything I can (within my grasp), and if/should it fail, I can always CTB later (had my date set in very late May 2019). So on March 6, 2019, I went ahead and booked a flight to go to her where she is (hint: She is not in the US but another country).

So a bit of background about my ladyfriend: she works in the porn industry, she's a cammodel and does live shows, custom clips, and even her own clips she likes doing to make a living. She caters to many fetishes, and I won't list my fetish because there is a chance it could go back to me or run the risk of identifying me IRL. Just as a note, my fetish is not a common one, it's rather niche, and very few people do it. Plus, she's the only one who is able to do it and do it really well, FAR exceeding even her own expectations (at that time at least) as well as everyone that I have known.

Back to the story now. So I met up with her in person (at last) and she ambushed hugged me when I saw her in person (it caught me off guard but I was happy nevertheless). Then she and I went to her place where I hung out with her, chilled and indulged a bit in my fetish. It was a tough time keeping things platonic as I had to fight my urges, fight my instincts, but I succeeded and things went well. The most important thing is that she gave me a great hug (not the half-assed, half-hearted, or A-frame, or bullshit hugs, but a legit, comforting, and sincere one, with a lot of compassion and care). As a result, I felt very welcomed and has brought some level of peace with me.

Nearing the end of the encounter with her, I managed to get an autograph with her as well as an picture of me and her hugging each other. That was one of my best moments in life at least for 2019 (about on par with the time I lost my virginity in Amsterdam in October 2019). As I went back to my hotel, I was so overwhelmed with joy and tired after a long day hanging out with her. Keep in mind that during my whole encounter with her, everything is platonic (as me and her agreed on) and I respected her wishes just as she respected mine. After I returned to the hotel, I had to release the pent up energy so I pleasured myself to and then crashed to bed. So far so good. I've achieved what many years of professional help, religion, and other copes could not have done. Ultimately, I freed myself from a torment that stemmed from childhood (partly related my fetish), ended the hugging and trolling wars (this means from that day forward, I would not be waging direct war anymore to people who refuse hugs. I might be a bit sad but that's about it, no direct consequence to the rejection nor retaliation on another third party in society).

From that day on (as seen in the thread posted in the recovery section back in March 2019), I've went from wanting to CTB in late May 2019, to living until December 2019. Then of course I lived through that too (thank you Amsterdam brothel for helping me lose my virginity!), thus I am alive in the year 2020. The year 2020 is a shitty year though and will sadly be CTBing in the 2nd half of it, but that's another topic and story (refer to the 2020 suifuel thread).

Anyways, so most of 2019 went smoothly and my relations with her were amiable and superb, until late December 2019, which was like a metaphorical bomb being dropped on me.

The fallout and a turn for the worst
It is December 26th, 2019, and immediately, things made a turn for the worse. Out of nowhere and out of the blue, she lashed out at me. I have been nothing but kind and nice towards her, never said anything (deliberately) offensive towards her nor was rude towards her. I was always innocuous, cordial, polite, and friendly. Sure, she has her own issues in life, she likely has BPD, depression, and other things, plus she's in an industry that deals with rude customers and assholes on a day to day basis so I don't blame her in that regard. However, the poor treatment of me, the misinterpretation and reaction (including lack of listening), and her erraticness with her double-standards and hypocrisy really hurt any good relations built up over the year. I feel really sad because all of that went down the way it did, but I don't hate her nor resent her (not because I want to be the 'bigger' person, but because she done an immensely good deed and favor for me).

As a result, in 2020, she has become more distant, less approachable, and more transactional than she was before. Despite me being one of her closer fans, I am no exception. Quite frankly, there is a bit of anger in my heart after learning her nature (like how dare she?! I never done anything wrong to her! I meant no ills or offense) though I never showed it. Ever since then I've supported her less than I would have because of her actions and the soured terms.

With my story and background, now you know how much my 'ladyfriend' means to me and why the sudden turn for the worse contributed towards my wanting to CTB in 2020.

 

[BlackPoppet]

In my other threads, including my 2020 suifuel thread, I have discussed many reasons and causes that push me towards CTB'ing in late 2020. Here, I will elaborate about my ladyfriend story and how she saved me in 2019, but then later contributed towards my CTB'ing in 2020. Here is the story below:

The Story of My ladyfriend, How she saved me, but later contributed towards my CTB:
So in March 2019, I decided to bite the bullet and take a chance to see my ladyfriend, whom I had known and kept in contact for over many years. At first, I was nervous about things going to shit, for whatever reason (be it her fault, nature's fault, my fault, or who/whatever). However, a part of me gained the courage and drive to meet her is the fact that I have my method (firearm) still available to me when I return back to the states and can always CTB later if things go to shit. Therefore, my added courage allowed me to do my best and everything I can (within my grasp), and if/should it fail, I can always CTB later (had my date set in very late May 2019). So on March 6, 2019, I went ahead and booked a flight to go to her where she is (hint: She is not in the US but another country).

So a bit of background about my ladyfriend: she works in the porn industry, she's a cammodel and does live shows, custom clips, and even her own clips she likes doing to make a living. She caters to many fetishes, and I won't list my fetish because there is a chance it could go back to me or run the risk of identifying me IRL. Just as a note, my fetish is not a common one, it's rather niche, and very few people do it. Plus, she's the only one who is able to do it and do it really well, FAR exceeding even her own expectations (at that time at least) as well as everyone that I have known.

Back to the story now. So I met up with her in person (at last) and she ambushed hugged me when I saw her in person (it caught me off guard but I was happy nevertheless). Then she and I went to her place where I hung out with her, chilled and indulged a bit in my fetish. It was a tough time keeping things platonic as I had to fight my urges, fight my instincts, but I succeeded and things went well. The most important thing is that she gave me a great hug (not the half-assed, half-hearted, or A-frame, or bullshit hugs, but a legit, comforting, and sincere one, with a lot of compassion and care). As a result, I felt very welcomed and has brought some level of peace with me.

Nearing the end of the encounter with her, I managed to get an autograph with her as well as an picture of me and her hugging each other. That was one of my best moments in life at least for 2019 (about on par with the time I lost my virginity in Amsterdam in October 2019). As I went back to my hotel, I was so overwhelmed with joy and tired after a long day hanging out with her. Keep in mind that during my whole encounter with her, everything is platonic (as me and her agreed on) and I respected her wishes just as she respected mine. After I returned to the hotel, I had to release the pent up energy so I pleasured myself to and then crashed to bed. So far so good. I've achieved what many years of professional help, religion, and other copes could not have done. Ultimately, I freed myself from a torment that stemmed from childhood (partly related my fetish), ended the hugging and trolling wars (this means from that day forward, I would not be waging direct war anymore to people who refuse hugs. I might be a bit sad but that's about it, no direct consequence to the rejection nor retaliation on another third party in society).

From that day on (as seen in the thread posted in the recovery section back in March 2019), I've went from wanting to CTB in late May 2019, to living until December 2019. Then of course I lived through that too (thank you Amsterdam brothel for helping me lose my virginity!), thus I am alive in the year 2020. The year 2020 is a shitty year though and will sadly be CTBing in the 2nd half of it, but that's another topic and story (refer to the 2020 suifuel thread).

Anyways, so most of 2019 went smoothly and my relations with her were amiable and superb, until late December 2019, which was like a metaphorical bomb being dropped on me.

The fallout and a turn for the worst
It is December 26th, 2019, and immediately, things made a turn for the worse. Out of nowhere and out of the blue, she lashed out at me. I have been nothing but kind and nice towards her, never said anything (deliberately) offensive towards her nor was rude towards her. I was always innocuous, cordial, polite, and friendly. Sure, she has her own issues in life, she likely has BPD, depression, and other things, plus she's in an industry that deals with rude customers and assholes on a day to day basis so I don't blame her in that regard. However, the poor treatment of me, the misinterpretation and reaction (including lack of listening), and her erraticness with her double-standards and hypocrisy really hurt any good relations built up over the year. I feel really sad because all of that went down the way it did, but I don't hate her nor resent her (not because I want to be the 'bigger' person, but because she done an immensely good deed and favor for me).

As a result, in 2020, she has become more distant, less approachable, and more transactional than she was before. Despite me being one of her closer fans, I am no exception. Quite frankly, there is a bit of anger in my heart after learning her nature (like how dare she?! I never done anything wrong to her! I meant no ills or offense) though I never showed it. Ever since then I've supported her less than I would have because of her actions and the soured terms.

With my story and background, now you know how much my 'ladyfriend' means to me and why the sudden turn for the worse contributed towards my wanting to CTB in 2020.

Hugs from me to you

 

[noaccount]

A lot of political mentors I've learned from have been sex workers. Am I understanding you were a client of hers and that's how you met? It can be confusing because one has to maintain boundaries in those situations that are different than the boundaries with platonic friends OR with non-work sexual/romantic interests. I'm sorry if it was confusing to you, what she was or wasn't agreeing to in the future? But we need to understand that people in that industry have to be strict about those things sometimes, for a lot of reasons.
(Consider that throwing-out there that someone "likely has BPD" can be a very loaded and biased way to talk about women's dissent, women's ptsd, etc, and many people find the term to be misogynistic, given its heavy institutional baggage.)

 

[TAW122]

Hugs from me to you

Thank you.

A lot of political mentors I've learned from have been sex workers. Am I understanding you were a client of hers and that's how you met? It can be confusing because one has to maintain boundaries in those situations that are different than the boundaries with platonic friends OR with non-work sexual/romantic interests. I'm sorry if it was confusing to you, what she was or wasn't agreeing to in the future? But we need to understand that people in that industry have to be strict about those things sometimes, for a lot of reasons.
(Consider that throwing-out there that someone "likely has BPD" can be a very loaded and biased way to talk about women's dissent, women's ptsd, etc, and many people find the term to be misogynistic, given its heavy institutional baggage.)

I am a fan of her and been a fan of her for many years. So I guess you could consider me a fan instead of a 'client'. Basically, I was one of her really dedicated fans and last year, I was eager to meet her (get a hug, a picture, etc.) and just asked her if she was cool with that. She agreed to it, as long as it is platonic (nothing sexual, but just professional and platonic, friendly). I honored her request and wishes and so did she. So everything during the encounter (last March, in 2019) went well.

As for your last statement, no I never said that to her, but it's just something that I assumed (in my head) was the reason for her behavior and lashing out at me a few months ago. I have never disrespected nor said anything offensive towards her. I have always treated her with respect and kindness, both online and when I met her in person. Finally, I'm not trying to be misogynistic or biased in anyway, I am only merely trying to come to terms as to potential reasons to "why" she acted the way she did last December 2019.