Stopping talking about suicidality; hurdle of leaving a mess behind and not being an assasin

[tiredxillenial]

They say reach out etc if you're suicidal. I've done that and still experience suicidality. The thing about the reach out thing though is that no one wants to hear about suicidality. If you say you're suicidal you have to worry about your disclosure crossing other people's boundaries, because some people don't want to hear any mention of suicidality. If you're chronically suicidal, then you run the risk of burning out others or putting them in a situation where they feel they have to provide support that is unrealistic.

I feel like my therapist is in that situation now. I refuse hospitalization because it would out me at work, and nothing takes the suicidality away. So, I'm just not going to talk about suicidality anymore and will talk about positive things in an appearance of depression recovery, such as getting an advent calendar of actual beer, having more energy, and getting more work done. I want to hang on for the election in the States to see what happens, and I know the results of that might not be known for awhile. That does keep me here longer, which might decrease my likelihood of acting, but not talking about it with others might help me do it.

One of the things that keeps me from acting is that I'd be leaving stuff behind for other people to deal with. I want to have the energy to clean up my laptop so I can leave the password and gift it to someone, and I want to go through the random papers and boxes of stuff that I have. If someone is having to deal with my credit or something after I act, then they might want access to files. Right now all my papers are a mess and all over the house and there's personal stuff mixed in with the finacial stuff etc. So, I feel I have to organize that before I act. And then with the personal stuff, there are a lot of things that I would like to purge before anyone could see them, but I don't purge them because I want them in case I'm still living. It's circular and supports itself. So, to act I need energy to get my affairs and things in order, and that all feels too overwhelming, so I keep living. Am hoping that maybe a semblance of depression recovery from getting a gun might give me the energy I need to get my affairs and things in order. Another thing that keeps me from acting, is that I feel that if I'm going out, I may as well take an evil person or a few out with me, but I don't have the knowledge or wherewithall to plan an assasination. So I don't act because I figure I'd be wasting an opportunity to take out someone whose death would truly improve the world. Cognitively I would say not living is the best option, but I don't have the energy to clean up and don't want to leave a mess behind for others.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

but I don't have the energy to clean up and don't want to leave a mess behind for others.

Same. Really struggling right now :( but watching my other half sleep makes me feel like an evil bastard for wanting to CTB, she depends on me for emotional support, as do I her. Leaving her to clean up my stuff on top seems heartless and cold but I'm too depressed and anxious to do any of it, let alone that circular problem of what if I don't die etc. Venting, so fed up!

 

[tiredxillenial]

Same. Really struggling right now :( but watching my other half sleep makes me feel like an evil bastard for wanting to CTB, she depends on me for emotional support, as do I her. Leaving her to clean up my stuff on top seems heartless and cold but I'm too depressed and anxious to do any of it, let alone that circular problem of what if I don't die etc. Venting, so fed up!

Yeah I hear you on that. I don't have a partner so I don't have that worry. I think that I might feel OK leaving though if we had been going to therapy and I felt like they had support. Not having a partner does make it easier for me to plan an exit though. Since posting this, I've been thinking more and more about acting after my next big commitment is over. It feels like the right thing to do. The next big commitment is right after the election in the States. That means it's a bit away, so things coulld intervene between now and then to make it harder to act though.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I kind of really envy you, having the end in sight is so relieving. You still have worries which are obviously weighing you down, I suppose CTB is rarely straightforward, is it better to not care and make various mistakes, or overthink and delay and procrastinate? Some people are lucky, others aren't. Who are you leaving behind, if anyone? Why do you feel you need to CTB?

 

[AJ95]

I know how you're feeling unfortunately, everyone says to talk about your mental health until it's them you're talking to.

Hope you're able to find better people to support you

 

[tiredxillenial]

I know how you're feeling unfortunately, everyone says to talk about your mental health until it's them you're talking to.

Hope you're able to find better people to support you

So true....

 

[HelloHell]

I don't have the energy to clean up and don't want to leave a mess behind for others.

I know that feeling. I experience it myself too.

 

[Silver]

I'm in the process of packing up my stuff to make it easier after I ctb. Unfortunately I've run out of energy to keep doing it recently. Luckily I've already got out the important paperwork.

I don't talk about being suicidal IRL. I mentioned it to a mental health professional back in August but I haven't been in contact with her since. It's easier not to talk about it anyway. Nobody wants to be blamed for a suicide, even if there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.

 

[tiredxillenial]

I kind of really envy you, having the end in sight is so relieving. You still have worries which are obviously weighing you down, I suppose CTB is rarely straightforward, is it better to not care and make various mistakes, or overthink and delay and procrastinate? Some people are lucky, others aren't. Who are you leaving behind, if anyone? Why do you feel you need to CTB?

Ugh I am definetly in the overthink and delay and procrasinate category. I'm that way for many things though not just CTB. It could be realed to being dissociative (e.g., out of sight, definetly out of mind) or it could be related to an tendency to obsess that I've been told is OCD though I don't know if I actually have OCD or if others are just mistaking other symptoms for OCD.

In terms of leaving behind- my dog and my birth family. My dog has a fantastic godmother but I would miss her and I do wonder if dogs wonder about why their human is suddenly missing and they're living somewhere else. I don't feel it would impact co-workers really much at all. My work has become pretty meaningless again now that my supervisor is back. She has no idea that I find it stiffling/feel like I'm not getting to really use my mind. I chose the positon in part because it would be a light lift and would free up mental capacity for me to work on other projects. The corona happened and that's obviously shifted things.... I think I'm disconnected enough from community that there wouldn't really be ripple effects. And if I don't leave a list of contacts then I'm just ghosting people and they might not even know I had died. I do feel like I should leave a request to contact the people I've worked with on projects, who have been counting on me for some major task that I'd have to make sure get transfered. Really there's just one of those projects and it would be easy for another person to take on what I'm doing. The other projects are things where I'm doing labor and there just aren't enough people around doing that. With both of those I have deadlines coming up and feel I could CTB after those. Then there's one person who reached out a bit ago asking me to work with them on something and I'm too depressed to do it.

In terms of why I feel the need to CTB, it's shame related mostly. I feel like I've failed at everything and am a failure. And I don't think there's any "coming back" from the shame I feel. So, there is also the question of do I want to live in the shadow of my former self?

I'm in the process of packing up my stuff to make it easier after I ctb. Unfortunately I've run out of energy to keep doing it recently. Luckily I've already got out the important paperwork.

I don't talk about being suicidal IRL. I mentioned it to a mental health professional back in August but I haven't been in contact with her since. It's easier not to talk about it anyway. Nobody wants to be blamed for a suicide, even if there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.

So true....

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I know the shame scenario. I'm kinda past that now though, for the worse. It's sad that you can't live for what you can get out of life for yourself, I don't think your shame probably makes anyone think badly if you, and if they do it shouldn't bother you. You're very thoughtful thinking about colleagues too

 

[Kcountdown]

I feel the same on that, I have too much to take care of before I can decide if my failing health warrants hopping on the bus. However I've never really had any faith in therapists or psychologists I've heard too many horror stories about anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. And most of my mental issues come from my physical issues anyway so without fixing the underlying cause I feel like it would be slapping a band aid on an open wound (just hiding my main issue). Also my dogs getting up there in age and I would feel really guilty knowing I checked out before her.

 

[tiredxillenial]

I know the shame scenario. I'm kinda past that now though, for the worse. It's sad that you can't live for what you can get out of life for yourself, I don't think your shame probably makes anyone think badly if you, and if they do it shouldn't bother you. You're very thoughtful thinking about colleagues too

So true it is sad. That sadness is part of what makes me want to CTB. It is about living in the shadow of my former self. There's shame about not being my former self, but on top of that shame is also shame that I never was the person who I thought I was. I was always a fuck up and a failure and I just didn't see that/accept that about myself before.

 

[Silver]

I do wonder if dogs wonder about why their human is suddenly missing and they're living somewhere else

I think your dog will. They will probably already know something is wrong from your behaviour and your mood. And if your dog goes to live with a family member, they might even understand that something has happened to you.

I will be leaving my cat, and he missed my dog when he died.