Still Procrastinating

[KafkaF]

I'm still procrastinating on ending it. And it really is just procrastinating. We're not talking about a situation here where I'm actually trying to get better or anything in any substantial way. I'm fairly certain I'm going to end it and that there's no recovery possible. But I keep freaking procrastinating.

For about two days I was playing a lot of Skyrim. Getting lost in that world. It helped, it made me not actively think about ending things for a while. But today so much pain came rushing back in right after I woke up.

I can't really do much more these days, at best, than try to find momentary release from pain. It always comes back though. And I cannot move forward.

So I'm really just waiting. Waiting to end things. Trying to make the moments before that feel a little less awful. Passing the time.

It doesn't really make any sense. I could end things this week, maybe, and I wouldn't have to keep finding ways to just pass the time. Get through the day. All of that stuff.

I know it's the right thing to do to end things. But I just... keep procrastinating on it.

There's a certain inertia to being alive, I guess. I've been alive for so many years now. Hard to quit it. Almost like a smoking habit.

Feel pretty awful though. I won't go over all of the stuff I've said before again. But mainly right now I feel disgusted with my physical appearance and I hate myself for it. And I miss my previous girlfriend so badly I can hardly keep it together. I wish I could have some sort of hug, or cuddling, or even just sex with anyone to make the pain go away for a little while. But I don't have any of those things.

I just wish it had all gone differently though. That I was born better looking. That I didn't have emotionally abusive parents. That I didn't have all these anxiety disorders. That my previous girlfriend would've stayed with me.

I guess that's my core problem, maybe. I want to live. I want to live a life. Just not this one.

 

[fxxhan175]

I relate so deeply to what you're going through. My body has gone through so much drastic changes in this last year due to my extreme depression and anxiety and that started to show up in my physical appearance, something I always used to pride myself on. I think it was because I depended on the persona that I could put out and show other people even when I was still feeling bad, that now I'm even worse off because people can immediately look at me now and be like yeah that person is unhealthy. When our facade breaks, the rest goes too and I can't even look in the mirror anymore or simply exist without being hit by tidal waves of extreme self-loathing. And it's almost ironically funny isn't it? That our procrastination is finally being put to good use and saving our life. Still intending to ctb soon too but it's been months of just sitting around and not actively doing anything to make my situation better because I know that it's inevitable now. I think I'm waiting for it to become almost impulsive - like one day I have another really bad break and just decide to do it right then and there. But who knew ctb would take so much effort and planning if you want to do it right? Praying for your soul and for peace whatever does happen though, and just know someone else out there feels your pain. For now at least, I'll wish you a good night and good dreams. :)

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Stalling is like a drug in that it's addicting, superficially feels good, and keeps you frok facing an unpleasant but necessary task.

I have no excuse not to go now. I have the necessary materials and the complicated holiday season has passed.

 

[cryone]

Stalling is like a drug in that it's addicting, superficially feels good, and keeps you frok facing an unpleasant but necessary task.

very true, except sometimes it doesn't even feel good. i feel like shit because i should've killed myself already. still, i can't do it. hate myself so much.

 

[PrettyPotato]

I have to say, reading your post it comes across to me as though you're hoping that something external will happen to make your life change for the better. There's a lot of fairlys, maybes, and wishes in there. That's a good thing - means you still have some hope, even if you don't think that's the case!

If you're internally conflicted about going ahead with the ultimate end to everything, there's very little chance that your SI will let it happen imho.

SI really is very subtly skilled at changing the narrative without you realising what's happening. I have a proper plan in place in less than a week - but even so, yesterday my brain was telling me that the most important thing I could do in my life at that moment was finish sonic frontiers instead of writing goodbye letters to friends !