Still have a lot of low days.

[feast or famine]

I probably frequent these forums more now than when I was planning to ctb...go figure.

Today has just been a day and I sometimes don't realize how lonely I am until it's the end of the day and I have no one I can really "spill" everything to, so I come here hoping that this will alleviate some of this constant loneliness I struggle with.

There are a small number of people I can confide in, in my real life, but there are exceptions. Like I can't really tell them how I've been having nightmares about taking SN and maybe I'm having such nightmares because of this anxiety that I try to bury. I still have SN tucked away in one of my drawers. For what? I couldn't tell you. I'll stop babbling now and get to what prompted this.

After my last suicide attempt last summer, I quit at life in every facet and I was okay living like that. I gave up on all the goals I was striving for and didn't care if all my work was down the tubes.

Since then, I've felt a "second wind" so to speak and I'm not sure where that's coming from. I was put on meds but I weened off those. I'm in therapy but because of covid, shit gets delayed and I've only been seen once virtually. So I can't quite put my finger on why I feel better enough to where I don't want to ctb. I'm not complaining, I'm glad I don't feel like that, but I'd be lying if I said when I have days like today, I don't sometimes still think of ctb.

The biggest stress right now that I face is nursing school. I wasn't going to finish, but here I am. I have one semester left after this one and it's kicking my ass. I feel dumb, ill prepared and ask myself why I just can't seem to "get" the material and hands on skills we are learning when everyone else seems to have no problems with it.

I've taken many detours in life. Going back to school was a major decision and I have high expectations for myself when maybe I shouldn't because I only ever let myself down. I want to finish this last stretch more than anything, but I don't know, I just feel like don't belong in this program or anywhere else.

I guess that's the end of my rant. Thanks for reading if you got to this point. Typing this was more or less a therapeutic release of sorts for me.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Good you are feeling better.

I still have low times too, especially at night when I can't sleep. Oddly, what helped me was being left alone, so people stopped trying to 'help' me.

 

[OminousVaL]

I too am trying to get better and coming here helps me cope with the low nights. You are heard and I am glad you are improving as well. Smooth travels.

 

[antigone_iris]

The biggest stress right now that I face is nursing school. I wasn't going to finish, but here I am. I have one semester left after this one and it's kicking my ass. I feel dumb, ill prepared and ask myself why I just can't seem to "get" the material and hands on skills we are learning when everyone else seems to have no problems with it.

I've taken many detours in life. Going back to school was a major decision and I have high expectations for myself when maybe I shouldn't because I only ever let myself down. I want to finish this last stretch more than anything, but I don't know, I just feel like don't belong in this program or anywhere else.

This, too, shall pass. The last semester is stressful, but it will be over soon. I'm proud of you for going back to school and wanting to learn. I'm sure you're doing a great job. Why do you feel like you don't belong in the program? Is there something you dislike about it?

 

[feast or famine]

I can't edit my original post and see that I typed weened instead of weaned. Things like that bother me. Moving on from that...

Good you are feeling better.

I still have low times too, especially at night when I can't sleep. Oddly, what helped me was being left alone, so people stopped trying to 'help' me.

Night seems to be the worst for me as well. I think it's because I can remain semi productive during the night which distracts my mind from being overtaken by unwanted thoughts. I think it's safe to say I will always have low days/nights. There's no way around that. I just wish they weren't so crushing!

I too am trying to get better and coming here helps me cope with the low nights. You are heard and I am glad you are improving as well. Smooth travels.

Thank you for your sentiments. I hope your journey to getting better is going as smoothly as possible for you. I'm sending you a lot of warm thoughts!

This, too, shall pass. The last semester is stressful, but it will be over soon. I'm proud of you for going back to school and wanting to learn. I'm sure you're doing a great job. Why do you feel like you don't belong in the program? Is there something you dislike about it?

Thank you for your kind words and for the encouragement. It's not that I necessarily dislike the program or what I'm learning. It's more or less the fact that I get into my own head and tell myself I'm a failure.

Yesterday, we were practicing for these hands on competencies that we have to pass and I let my nerves get the best of me. That's when I go down this rabbit hole of asking myself, why am I even here? I have been told that I have catastrophic thinking which is a bitch for me to work on. Something seemingly minor that is happening turns into the end of the world in my mind. I've tried implementing the cliche ways of thinking such as "mind over matter" and "what you put out in the universe is what you get", but I think that just screws me over even worse.

 

[feast or famine]

Another typo in my post that I can't edit.

"Night seems to be the worst for me as well. I think it's because I can remain semi productive during the night which distracts my mind from being overtaken by unwanted thoughts. I think it's safe to say I will always have low days/nights. There's no way around that. I just wish they weren't so crushing!"

I meant to say during the day. I need to proof read more.

 

[Peachycherry]

I totally get you. Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to get better for no reason, like out of nowhere I'm feeling less depressed. So I start to plan getting my shit back together, only for the depression and its hopelessness to take control of me again. I give up on my goals and start to plan ctb again. Then the circle starts all over again. When that happens, I come here and talk about whatever's distressing me more at the moment. I can't confide to my family because I'm way too anxious, and not to my friends because I don't want to be a burden and worry them. At least here everyone seems to understand what we're going through, and can offer advice or sympathy.
On another note, I'm a nursing student too!! I have about a year and a half left before I graduate. I've often felt like I didn't belong in the program, too. If there's one thing I can say, it's this : there's no 'bad' type of person to become a nurse, as long as you have your values in the right place, everything else can be learned with practice and time. Let me give you an example: this girl I befriended in the program is a walking disaster; she does a lot of errors like use the wrong size catheter, throw needles away in the regular trash, mix up her meds... basically the type of person you'd think wouldn't belong in a nursing program. But she's got one thing to herself: she's incredible with the patients. They love her, and she always gets them to cooperate with her. Meanwhile, I'm a lot more reliable in my methods since I learn them by practicing a lot, and I have good memory so I'm very knowledgeable about meds and pathologies. But... I'm really bad at interacting with the patients. I'm so focused on doing my technique right I probably look very cold. I remember in my past clinicals, patients would watch me go into their room and I could almost see them think 'ah shit it's her again' what they don't know is I'm a lot less likely to cause them harm than my friend, who seems like a fantastic nurse. My point is: we need all kinds of people in the nursing profession to complete eachother. I'm sure you'll find your place. Another story I can share is how we all seem incompetent at first. The first time I had to draw blood, I had a panic attack because I was too scared of messing up, I told myself I was so bad and I would never succeed. Yet the next time I was evaluated on this method, I nailed it and got a 91% grade! Don't let the bad thoughts discourage you, give yourself some time to assess everything. After all, nursing is not a walk in the park! It's normal to feel lost and to find it really tough! You might not even know that the others are struggling, since from experience i know nurses care a lot about keeping appearances. Try to find the aspects of nursing you find more easy or have an ability for, and ask for help from your colleagues or teachers in the aspects where you struggle more.
I encourage you to finish your program, it's worth it! I also wish you the best of luck in what's to come, and if you ever want to talk about nursing or anything else I'd love to talk with you!

 

[feast or famine]

I totally get you. Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to get better for no reason, like out of nowhere I'm feeling less depressed. So I start to plan getting my shit back together, only for the depression and its hopelessness to take control of me again. I give up on my goals and start to plan ctb again. Then the circle starts all over again. When that happens, I come here and talk about whatever's distressing me more at the moment. I can't confide to my family because I'm way too anxious, and not to my friends because I don't want to be a burden and worry them. At least here everyone seems to understand what we're going through, and can offer advice or sympathy.
On another note, I'm a nursing student too!! I have about a year and a half left before I graduate. I've often felt like I didn't belong in the program, too. If there's one thing I can say, it's this : there's no 'bad' type of person to become a nurse, as long as you have your values in the right place, everything else can be learned with practice and time. Let me give you an example: this girl I befriended in the program is a walking disaster; she does a lot of errors like use the wrong size catheter, throw needles away in the regular trash, mix up her meds... basically the type of person you'd think wouldn't belong in a nursing program. But she's got one thing to herself: she's incredible with the patients. They love her, and she always gets them to cooperate with her. Meanwhile, I'm a lot more reliable in my methods since I learn them by practicing a lot, and I have good memory so I'm very knowledgeable about meds and pathologies. But... I'm really bad at interacting with the patients. I'm so focused on doing my technique right I probably look very cold. I remember in my past clinicals, patients would watch me go into their room and I could almost see them think 'ah shit it's her again' what they don't know is I'm a lot less likely to cause them harm than my friend, who seems like a fantastic nurse. My point is: we need all kinds of people in the nursing profession to complete eachother. I'm sure you'll find your place. Another story I can share is how we all seem incompetent at first. The first time I had to draw blood, I had a panic attack because I was too scared of messing up, I told myself I was so bad and I would never succeed. Yet the next time I was evaluated on this method, I nailed it and got a 91% grade! Don't let the bad thoughts discourage you, give yourself some time to assess everything. After all, nursing is not a walk in the park! It's normal to feel lost and to find it really tough! You might not even know that the others are struggling, since from experience i know nurses care a lot about keeping appearances. Try to find the aspects of nursing you find more easy or have an ability for, and ask for help from your colleagues or teachers in the aspects where you struggle more.
I encourage you to finish your program, it's worth it! I also wish you the best of luck in what's to come, and if you ever want to talk about nursing or anything else I'd love to talk with you!

Thank you so much for your lovely reply! It has really helped lift my spirits! You are so right in saying there's no bad person to become a nurse, unless I suppose you completely lack morals, but I haven't come across anyone like that personally.

I think I'm a mixture of the two types of students you've described. I am so type A and attention to detail is a must for me, so I tend to make sure my hands on skills are without any error whatsoever because I will have patients in my care and I can't fuck up! So I put a lot of pressure on myself in that way which most of the time takes priority over my people skills, but I'm trying to be more mindful of that. I just need to find a happy medium.

At the same time, I've had past experience working at a facility with direct, hands on patient contact and that experience has really helped me better myself when it comes to my social interactions with others. The funny thing is that I'm such an introvert. Truly. This career path is a bit questionable for me in that regard, but I have loved and still love what I am doing and I'm almost there at the finish line.

Thank you so much for your encouragement! I wish the same for you. It's such a rewarding career path and you seem like such a kind person who is totally going to kick ass as a nurse. I can sense these things, lol.

It's a relief having someone who understands exactly what I'm going through. I also have a tendency to keep to myself out of fear that I'm a complete bother to others which just makes everything worse. But at least I can vent here and run into cool people like you!

I'm always open to taking as well! Seriously don't hesitate to message me if you need to vent about life/nursing/anything at all. Thanks again for your kind message.

 

[Pen>Sword]

I totally get you. Sometimes I feel like I'm starting to get better for no reason, like out of nowhere I'm feeling less depressed. So I start to plan getting my shit back together, only for the depression and its hopelessness to take control of me again. I give up on my goals and start to plan ctb again. Then the circle starts all over again. When that happens, I come here and talk about whatever's distressing me more at the moment. I can't confide to my family because I'm way too anxious, and not to my friends because I don't want to be a burden and worry them. At least here everyone seems to understand what we're going through, and can offer advice or sympathy.
On another note, I'm a nursing student too!! I have about a year and a half left before I graduate. I've often felt like I didn't belong in the program, too. If there's one thing I can say, it's this : there's no 'bad' type of person to become a nurse, as long as you have your values in the right place, everything else can be learned with practice and time. Let me give you an example: this girl I befriended in the program is a walking disaster; she does a lot of errors like use the wrong size catheter, throw needles away in the regular trash, mix up her meds... basically the type of person you'd think wouldn't belong in a nursing program. But she's got one thing to herself: she's incredible with the patients. They love her, and she always gets them to cooperate with her. Meanwhile, I'm a lot more reliable in my methods since I learn them by practicing a lot, and I have good memory so I'm very knowledgeable about meds and pathologies. But... I'm really bad at interacting with the patients. I'm so focused on doing my technique right I probably look very cold. I remember in my past clinicals, patients would watch me go into their room and I could almost see them think 'ah shit it's her again' what they don't know is I'm a lot less likely to cause them harm than my friend, who seems like a fantastic nurse. My point is: we need all kinds of people in the nursing profession to complete eachother. I'm sure you'll find your place. Another story I can share is how we all seem incompetent at first. The first time I had to draw blood, I had a panic attack because I was too scared of messing up, I told myself I was so bad and I would never succeed. Yet the next time I was evaluated on this method, I nailed it and got a 91% grade! Don't let the bad thoughts discourage you, give yourself some time to assess everything. After all, nursing is not a walk in the park! It's normal to feel lost and to find it really tough! You might not even know that the others are struggling, since from experience i know nurses care a lot about keeping appearances. Try to find the aspects of nursing you find more easy or have an ability for, and ask for help from your colleagues or teachers in the aspects where you struggle more.
I encourage you to finish your program, it's worth it! I also wish you the best of luck in what's to come, and if you ever want to talk about nursing or anything else I'd love to talk with you!

I'm a nursing student too. Are you a nurse now? How's it going? I'm in acute care clinical, and I hate every second of it.