fieryending
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
- Oct 3, 2019
- 92
Throwback that perfectly captures how I feel in this moment. Enjoy.
I can confidently say that at the current moment in time, I don't want to die.
That reminds me of a movie I saw one time where there was a man with a curse that kept him alive after every one of his suicide attempts, he could only die if he really wanted to live, I never finished the movie so I don't know if he died, but I can say I know he dies at the end of his life.
One of the things that helped me get to this point was a legal drug called dxm. I'm not advocating for it, but it helped me greatly, and I have only done it once (twice if u count the super small dose I took 2 days later, it didn't do anything lol, just mellowed me out if I'm being honest)
If you want to die, ego death is your answer, look it up.
I believe that I stopped breathing a few hours into my trip, I took about a gram which is a lot for your first time, but I wish I had more honestly. I took dxm polisterex, so it lasted for hours and wasn't as intense as I hear hbr is.
A few minutes into my loss of breath, I believe my true self kicked in.
I believe I stopped breathing, because, when I am sober I can't hold my breath for so long that I die. I always start breathing again. I believe I either heard someone else, or me, in my mind say, (not verbatim), "dude, if you are that fucking sad just stop breathing and shut the fuck up". So I stopped my breath, but then shortly afterward, longer than it takes while I am sober, I realized 'I AM NOT BREATHING HOLY FUCKING SHIT" and I had to manually restart my breath.
That is ego death, it is when you kill yourself without physical death, you just kill any attachment you have to the world (you all have some, however small) and just say "fuck you guys, I'm out". It is extremely hard without drugs and takes years of meditation and enlightenment work.
My head hurt after I lost my breath, that is how I know I could have died. I focused on my breathing until sleep came over me and my body took over the breathing automatically.
I can say now, that I just don't give a fuck anymore, in a healthy way. I WILL BE THE ONLY ONE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE (barring the government and responsibility obviously).
I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT I SUCK COCK. I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT I ENJOY BEING WITH 30+ YEAR OLD MEN EVEN THOUGH I AM 18.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I REALIZED I AM NOT BISEXUAl. I am Gay, not necessarily proud, BUT I'M FUCKING PROUD.
I know I am a man, and I don't have autism, no matter what ANYONE SAYS! I AM NOT FUCKING TRANSGENDER SO GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU LOUSY THOTS, YOU NEVER HELPED ME, ONLY HURT.
( maybe even a therapist or licensed doctor, because what I think is all that matters in the end, WE ALL WILL DIE.)
I know that this feeling might not last, but the fact that I have it now is all that matters. I WILL CLING ON TO THIS SLIVER OF HOPE FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.
I send out hope to each and every one of you reading this right now, I know many of you don't feel loved, and you have no hope left. I hope you don't kill yourself, but if you do there is nothing I can do.
(Skip this if you don't wanna be pissed off)
I also realized how to fix American mental health. LET THEM DIE. No one will ever admit to being suicidal because you lose everything if you do. MANY WILL GET THE REAL HELP THEY NEED AND DESERVE THAT IS INACCESSIBLE TO THEM BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO LOSE EVERYTHING (in a weird paradox, don't care to live, but don't want help to make them not want to die that takes everything away.)
They lock you up until you say the right things to get out no matter how you actually feel.
Make a suicide pill legal and put it every drug store, grocery store, and mental hospital.
I know some will perish if this policy is implemented, but many more will live because they won't be able to bring themselves to do it.
Suicidal people don't want to lose everything, that is why no one fesses up. You lose it all if you do, and that is seriously fucked up.
You can only take it in-store, have to take a week long psych eval, have to administer it to yourself, and have to do it in front of an employee to stop homicide. Vomit inducing drugs are right in front of you. As well as the antidote.
No one will take it, and the few that do will be finally at peace.
(Jump to here if you are skipping that)
Radical opinion, but valid.
I love all of you, I hope you don't do it today. Just live one more day, even if you do do it tomorrow, I will be happy you went on for even one more day.
Have an amazing day you beautiful people.
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